Twilulz
by queenbellaloca
Summary: The Cullen Clan like you've never seen them before. Warning: Extremely OOC. Gratuitous use of knitting, drugs, and pwning. You've been warned. Emmett/Jasper slash. Other fun pairings along the way.
1. Act One: Meet The Cullens

**DISCLAIMER: THESE CHARACTERS ARE OOC TO THE MAX!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.**

**ALSO WE DON'T OWN TWILIGHT ECT ETC BLAH BLAH BLAH.**

**THIS WAS WRITTEN BY MYSELF AND CANDYAPPLEBLACK.**

**------------------------**

**TWILULZ**

ACT ONE: MEET THE CULLENS

_Fade in to Carlisle's office:_

ESME: Carlisle, are you going to get off the computer anytime soon? You've been on it since 6pm last night.

CARLISLE: Hold on Es. I'm about to pwn this noob at a level 23. I'm a 94 Mage. It's going to be epic.

ESME: Do you realize how idiotic you sound?

_She couldn't believe Carlisle was playing an online RPG. The man was supposed to be a doctor._

CARLISLE: That's right bitch I PWND YOU. CARLIZZLE HAS FUCKED UP YOUR SHIT. PWND BITCH. PWND. Did you see that Es? I totally fucked that noob elf's shit up. _Carlisle beamed with pride._

ESME: Yeah … great …

_It was her only response as she walked away rolling her eyes._

_*_

_Upstairs, in Edward's room:_

_Edward is trying to knit a sleeper for the baby that's on its way. He's not very good at it. There is a pile of failed dishcloths to his left._

EDWARD: Where… is… my… pink… YARN! … EMMETT!!

_From downstairs:_

EMMETT: WHAT!?

EDWARD: MY YARN! WHERE IS IT!?

JASPER: *_muffled snicker*_

EMMETT: I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR STUPID YARN IS!

EDWARD: Well SOMEONE took it!

JASPER: *_in between giggles_* Maybe Carlizzle pwned it... *_giggle* _fo shizzle…

EMMETT: *_loud guffaw*_

_Edward shakes his head and continues to knit WITHOUT his pink yarn._

JASPER: What DID you do with that yarn, Em?

EMMETT: I buried it… In Esme's garden…

JASPER: _*muffled snicker*_

_Jasper holds up a little baggie; makes a chagrined face. The small bag appears to be empty._

EMMETT: Un minut, mi amigo.

_Emmett reaches into his pocket, pulls out a larger baggie. Jasper's eyes grow wide with delight._

JASPER: *_trembling with joy_* I love you, man.

EMMETT: It's medicinal. Guess where I got it?

_He dangles it in front of Jasper's face._

JASPER: Duuude. Dad's been holding out.

EMMETT: Let's spark a bowl!

_They proceed to get retarded._

_Rosalie comes down the stairs, wearing a pair of white Capri pants and a white jacket._

JASPER: Whoa. *_cough, cough_* You have a faaat aaaass.

ROSALIE: No I don't!

JASPER: Yes you do!

ROSALIE: Emmett?

_He stammers for a moment, and then shrugs his shoulders. _

EMMETT: Uhhmm.. White's not your, uh.. Color?

ROSALIE: *_Looks __horrified and insulted. _Oh you are so on the couch tonight! *_Storms off in a huff*_

JASPER: *_snorts in laughter and takes another hit*_

EMMETT: Oh well. Not like she was going to put out anyway. Frigid bitch.

_Rosalie storms back in the room._

ROSALIE: Are you two doing drugs?

JASPER: *_exhales a loud cloud of smoke; coughs_* …No…

EMMETT: *_loud guffaw_* You gonna tell *_makes bunny ears with his fingers_* "mom" on us?

_Rosalie emits a noise of disgust, throwing her arms in the air._

ROSALIE: I can't believe you two! What do you think Alice is going to say, _*in a harsh tone_* _JASPER_?

JASPER: That your ass is fat?

_Both boys begin to laugh hysterically, and topple to the floor. Rosalie storms off muttering something about her stupid husband and retarded brother._

*

_Back in Edward's room, Edward is proudly showing Bella the sleeper that he knitted for the baby._

EDWARD: What do you think honey? Isn't it cute?

_The sleeper is half pink, half mustard-yellow; one arm is longer than the other; and there is an extra foot. On the rear._

BELLA: *_at a loss for words, but not in a good way_* Why… why does it have a tail?

EDWARD: It doesn't! It… *_notices; looks chagrined_* Oh…

_Bella takes his hand and gives it a squeeze._

BELLA: C'mon. maybe we can fix it.

_Edward smiles warmly at her and follows._

_*_

_Alice is sitting on her bed, flipping through pages of a Sears catalogue and dog-earing the things she would like to buy. She is listening to 'Shoes' by Liam Kyle Sullivan._

ALICE: *_singing_* Shoes. Let's get some shoes. Omigod, shoes. SHOES.

_She hears a knock at the door._

ALICE: Coming!

_She opens the door to find Bella and Edward. She looks down at the monstrosity in Edward's hands. She tries not to laugh._

ALICE: Oh my god, what happened here?

_Edward hangs his head and looks like he's about to cry._

BELLA: Well, can you help it?

ALICE: Well. *takes it* I'll see what I can do! *pauses* Why does it have a tail?

_Edward starts to cry. Bella comforts him._

_*_

_Esme is about to leave for her book club meeting. She hollers goodbye, only to be responded to by a fit of giggles and coughs from the bathroom, Carlisle shouting at the computer, and Edward's faint whimper._

_-_

**A/N: Thanks for reading! Comments are love :)**


	2. Act Two: Dysfunctional Family

**AGAIN, DISCLAIMER: ****WE DON'T OWN TWILIGHT ECT ETC BLAH BLAH BLAH.**

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ACT TWO: DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY

_Esme is at her book club, sipping tea. Well, pretending to sip tea. She is asking the girls for help on what to do with her dysfunctional family. Especially her husband._

ESME: All he does all day is sit at his computer playing some stupid video game! The man is supposed to be a doctor! And my youngest, he got his girlfriend pregnant! My two other boys are always together, _all the time_! In the _washroom_! It's freaking me out! And I keep finding balls of yarn in my garden!

_Various comments such as 'you poor dear', 'such a shame', 'I understand', and 'it must be so hard for you' are heard around the group._

_One woman pipes up._

WOMAN 1: How old is your husband, dear?

ESME: …Twenty-three…

_Half the room chokes on their tea, while the other half gasps in astonishment._

WOMAN 1: Isn't that a little young, to be a doctor?

ESME: He's very smart.

WOMAN 1: If you say so, dear…

WOMAN 2: So dear, you like younger men, do you?

_There is a muffled giggle coming from the far end of the couch._

ESME: *_whispers to herself, while hiding a smirk behind her teacup_* If you say so…

*

_Em and Jazz have abducted Edward from Alice and Bella and have locked him in a bathroom._

EDWARD: *_glances around awkwardly_* Why are we in the bathroom…?

EMMETT: Beca-

JASPER: It gives me a feeling of POWER! POWERRRR! Mmm… Power… Mmmm. *giggles*

_Edward looks afraid._

EMMETT: *_throws an arm around Edward_* Relax, bro. We're not gonna hurt ya. We're your... Bros. We're just gonna help you chill a little.

JASPER: Because you're so fuckin' uptight!

EDWARD: I am not!

EMMETT: You had a tantrum because you couldn't find your YARN!

EDWARD: That yarn was for my BABY!

_Jasper, having had enough of this bullshittery, turned on the taps of the sink and tub._

JASPER: Enough of this! We're gonna hot box the hell outta this joint!

EMMETT: Woo!

_Edward finally notices that sitting on top of the toilet is a bag of weed, a pipe, and a rather large joint._

EDWARD: Are you crazy?! You can't do drugs in this house! What if dad catches us- er, you guys!

JASPER: *_smirking_* Are you kidding, man? We got this FROM dad!

EDWARD: *_deadpan* _He gave you guys drugs.

EMMETT: Well, notsomuch "gave" to us, as it came from his stash. We just dipped in.

EDWARD: Alright, that's it. I'm telling mom right this instant!

EMMETT: *_leans against the door, blocking Edward_* Whoa whoa, not so fast, homeslice.

EDWARD: *_gritting teeth_* Move away from the door, Emmett.

EMMETT: *_reaches out to Edward's forehead, and holds him at bay with his index finger*_ Make me.

JASPER: *_laughing uncontrollably in the corner_*

_Edward tries to move past Emmett, but due to Emmett's strength, he is subdued. Yes, that's right. By his finger._

EDWARD: Emmett, come on. Would you- Get out of my- GET YOUR FINGER OFF MY FACE!

_Emmett ignores his plea, taking a joint from Jasper with his free hand, and takes a toke._

JASPER: Hey, Ed…

EDWARD: *_full of rage_* WHAT!!!??

JASPER: You look like a foot.

_Edward's nostrils flare._

JASPER: Dude. Just take one hit, and we'll let ya go.

EMMETT: Yeah, dude. All it's gonna do is mellow you out. And let's be honest. You could stand to be a little more mellow.

EDWARD: Guys, this isn't funny! _*coughs* _I CAN'T BREATHE!

_Emmett starts to laugh._

JASPER: *_leaning into Edward's ear* _Dude, can I tell you a secret?

EDWARD: NO!

JASPER: You're a vamper. We can't breathe!

EMMETT: Did you just say 'vamper'?

JASPER: Well… I… Um.. *_snickers_* Yes!

_They both laugh hysterically. Edward is starting to feel the effects of the hot boxed bathroom._

EDWARD: Emmett…

EMMETT: Yeah, Edward?

EDWARD: Would you _please_ remove your finger from my forehead?

EMMETT: I did.

EDWARD: …

JASPER: _*snicker_*

EDWARD: But I can feel it… *_points to forehead_* It's right there! *_smacks himself in the head_*

JASPER: *_snort_* Eddie, dude.. You need more. *_holds out joint_*

*

_Rosalie comes back into the house, and goes up to Alice's room, where Alice is still working on fixing the octosleeper. Bella has returned to her room to fail alone._

ROSALIE: Alice, can I ask you an honest question?

ALICE: *_looks up from her "project"* _Hm?

ROSALIE: What do you think of *_gestures to herself* _these pants?

ALICE: Well, they're… white. And they're not exactly flattering.

ROSALIE: Flattering… how?

ALICE: Well, you know how black is a _slimming_ colour?

ROSALIE: My ass is NOT FAT!

_And Rosalie stormed out of the house yet again._

ALICE: _*to herself_* What's _her_ problem? *_looks back down to the sleeper still in her hands*_ Why did Edward think he could knit?

*

_Meanwhile, in Carlisle's office, he is trying to download Harold & Kumar Escape to Guantanamo Bay._

CARLISLE: STUPID RAPIDSHARE! What the hell! Who has the time for a 65 second wait time for a download! I got things to do! Noobs to pwn! Rahhhhh! *_he smashes the mouse against the desk*_

_He opens a new tab to troll /b/ on 4chan. Badly._

CARLISLE: The Game? I just lost it? What game?! How did I lose it? I wasn't even playing! *_is silent for a minute_* OH, I WAS NOT JUST RICK-ROLLED!

_Esme, having returned from her book club, comes to check in on her husband._

ESME: Hey sweetheart, how was your aftern-

CARLISLE: Rick-Rolled. RICK-ROLLED. RICK-MOTHERFUCKING-ROLLED!

_He turns the monitor to face Esme, who is confused because all she can see is some weird picture made out of text, numbers and punctuation. _

ESME: *_laughing a little_* What the hell _is _that?

CARLISLE: It's ASCII art, Esme. AND I JUST GOT RICK-ROLLED WITH IT!

ESME: Umkay? Rick-rolled?

CARLISLE: *_turns to Esme* _LURK moar.

ESME: *_starts to say something but gives up_* You haven't seen my children have you?

CARLISLE: *_not paying attention* _Someone was in the bathroom, and a ball of yarn went missing. *_checks his download_* Where's the sound? What the HELL good is a movie without sound!!? *_slams the mouse on the desk again*_

ESME: … *_promptly leaves*_

*

_Back in the bathroom… They're all in a circle, passing a joint around. Edward has finally submitted to peer pressure. That, and he was hot boxed, damn it!_

EDWARD: You know what Bella told me the other day?

EMMETT: *_tokes_* What, dude?

EDWARD: She told me, that her and her mom… used to make rain sticks… out of paper towel tubes and chinchilla droppings.

JASPER: Eww, your girlfriend touched poo.

EMMETT: You sure know how to pick em, Eddie.

_They all crack up laughing._

*

_Bella is in her room, talking on the phone to Jacob._

BELLA: You should have seen it, Jake. It was… atrocious. Half of it was pink, and the other half was like the color of bad mustard. And it had a tail, Jake! It had a _tail_!

JACOB: *_snickers_* Was he making it for me?

BELLA: Ha, ha, Jake. Very funny.

JACOB: I thought so.

BELLA: Seriously, Jake. I don't even know why he would think he could take up knitting.

JACOB: *_mumbles_* Well he is kind of a sissy.

BELLA: What?

JACOB: What?

BELLA: Did you just call Edward a sissy?

JACOB: No, why would I call that pansy a sissy, when he's clearly a giant doorknob?

BELLA: Okay, I get it. You don't like him!

JACOB: *_under his breath_* Understatement of the century…

BELLA: Okay Jake. I better get going. Talk to you later.

JACOB: Later, Bells. Wait: Quick question: Since your baby is gonna be like, half doorknob, is it gonna have like, one tooth? Like right in the middle?

BELLA: _GOODBYE_ JACOB.

_Jacob is still laughing his ass off even after she hangs up._

_-_

**A/N: Again, thanks for reading, please review:)**


	3. Act Three: TSFAH,L

**DISCLAIMER: Mhm. Yep. We don't own Twilight. THANK GOD. There's a little Native stereotyping, but that's okay cuz one of us IS Native. And the Nomads make an appearance for... fun and sport. Enjoy =)**

ACT THREE: THAT'S SOME FRENCH ASS HYDROPONICS, LAURENT.

_The boys have run out of weed. State Emergency._

EMMETT: Shit! Where the hell are we gonna find weed around here?

JASPER: *_looks thoughtful for a minute, then slams his hands down on the table_* LA PUSH BABY, LA PUSH.

EMMETT: We can't go there, doofus.

JASPER: Yeah, but if we go there to buy… They're not gonna get pissed off because it's extra booze money!

EMMETT: I dunno Jazz. I don't wanna move again.

JASPER: *_holds up his hands making the OK gesture with both of them* _Trust me.

EMMETT: Oh, man…

_*_

_Esme and Edward are outside in the garden. Edward is wearing kneepads and too-big-for-his-hands floral pattern gardening gloves. Esme is wearing the same thing, except has completed her ensemble with a large straw sunhat, complete with yellow bow wrapped around it. Edward is feeling kind of awkward and uncomfortable because they are out in the sun. Which of course, equals SHINY._

ESME: *_noticing something is wrong_* Aww, what's wrong, sweetface?

EDWARD: *_wringing his hands, he mutters_* Sun's out.

ESME: *_cups his face_* My beautiful boy. You worry too much. Can I tell you a secret Edward?

EDWARD: Okay.

ESME: *_whispers_* Don't tell the other boys, but you're my favourite. *_she places a soft kiss on his forehead_* Now. Help me plant these pansies.

EDWARD: *_beams, gives her a quick peck on the cheek_* So, do you want me to plant the purple ones, or the orange ones?

ESME: Plant the purple ones dear. Those are my favourite.

_They start planting flowers. Esme finds a ball of pink yarn, and quickly pockets it before Edward can see. Edward begins to sing to himself._

EDWARD: You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know, _mom_, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away.

_Esme wasn't paying much attention until she heard the "mom" part of the song. She smiles warmly and gives him a gentle nudge. They go on happily planting their flowers._

_*_

_Somewhere in the woods on Quileute land…_

EMMETT: This is wrong, Jasper. You'd better have a plan. I feel like I'm breaking a million treaties with every twig I step on. *_another twig snaps under his foot_* A million and _one_…

JASPER: *_facing Emmett, walking backwards_* I said just trust me, Em. You're just gonna have to trust- *_bumps into something_*

EMMETT: Oh, shit.

JASPER: *_turns his head, is face to face with Sam Uley_* Oh, hey… howah ya… where's my dog…

EMMETT: Shut _up_, Jasper…

SAM: What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here. Go back to your land, bloodsuckers.

JASPER: …Get our white ass off your lawn?

EMMETT: *_claps a hand over Jasper's mouth_* Okay. We're not here to cause any trouble.

SAM: Then why _are_ you here? We have nothing you want.

JASPER: *_voice muffled_* mhmmm!

EMMETT: We're here to buy.

SAM: *_laughs_* What?

EMMETT: *_holds out wad of bills_* We have money.

SAM: *_eyes widen_* That's the biggest wad of cash I've ever seen. Do you know how many cases of beer I can get with that!?

EMMETT: So… Can we?

SAM: I think I can help you out… How much are you lookin' fer?

JASPER: *_opens arms wide, grinning like a fool_* This much!!!!

EMMETT: Ignore him. We'll take a freezer bag full. Take this. *_hands him wad of cash_*

SAM: Are you sure…? Oh.. Kay… *_is looking at about $400 in twenty dollar bills_* Howa.

EMMETT: Pleasure doing business with you.

JASPER: You rock, dude.

_After the "transaction" goes down, Sam goes off to find Jared._

SAM: Hey, J, get in the truck. We're goin' to the beer store.

JARED: Yeah? And what are ya gonna buy the beer with? Welfare check day ain't til the 28th *_he kicks a beer bottle off the lawn_*

SAM: *_flashes wad of cash_* Wid' this.

JARED: Holy smoke. That's the most money I ever saw. Where'dja git that den?

SAM: Don't matter. All that matters is we're gonna have one heck of a squaybe tonight.

JARED: Oh, you didn't steal Jacob's payment, didya?

SAM: Jeeeeez, jus' get in the truck.

JARED: You know. You should get a new truck with that cash. This one's lookin' a total rez bomb.

SAM: Don't worry. There'll be more where dis came from.

*

_Meanwhile, hiding out somewhere… where… nomad vampires hang out… Wherever that is… Laurent is lounging around kicked back smoking a huge blunt. Victoria is sitting on the floor going through a box of James' possessions._

VICTORIA: Where'd you get that joint from?

LAURENT: I got it from the native boys on the beach.

VICTORIA: Where did you get money?

LAURENT: It's not important. *_grins_*

VICTORIA: Okay then. *_shakes her head, continues sifting through the box_*

LAURENT: Why do you keep going through that box, Victoria? He is gone. You cannot bring him back.

VICTORIA: Because I loved him, you ass.

LAURENT: *_chuckles_* Yes. I had the pleasure, or rather, _displeasure_ of hearing your love many times.

VICTORIA: *_flips him the bird_*

_She takes a hairbrush out of the box and starts laughing._

LAURENT: I think you should get rid of that. Never in my 300 years have I seen a man more obsessed with his hair than any woman.

VICTORIA: It's true. Did you know he actually smashed a mirror over a cowlick?

LAURENT: *_just blinks_* So that's why my mirror was broken?

VICTORIA: *_sarcastically_* Yeah, _that_ was a fun morning.

LAURENT: Sorry I missed it. *_chuckles_*

VICTORIA: Oh, it was something, let me tell _you_…

_A few months ago …_

_James is standing in front of his mirror brushing his hair._

_JAMES: 72... 73... 74... 7... *notices cowlick* Go away… Why won't you go away… WHY WON'T YOU STAY DOWN!? _

_VICTORIA: Are you all right in there…?_

_JAMES: I'm FINE._

_VICTORIA: *walks to the door* Are you… sure…?_

_JAMES: *turns to look at her* YES. _

_VICTORIA: *notices the cowlick and snickers*_

_JAMES: *curls his lip* Why are you laughing?_

_VICTORIA: You have one piece of hair that's just… going in it's own direction._

_JAMES: I know that Victoria. DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT!?_

_VICTORIA: Calm down, James. It's just hair._

_JAMES: It's just hair!? JUST HAIR? It's easy for YOU to say! You just roll out of bed in the morning and your hair is PERFECT! I can't do a single damn thing with my hair!!!!!_

_VICTORIA: Cut it._

_JAMES: Cut it? CUT IT?! Do you KNOW how long it TOOK ME to grow this out when I was HUMAN!??? If I CUT it, it will NEVER GROW BACK!_

_VICTORIA: Do you want to pin it back? *is trying not to laugh* I have some cute clips with little kitties on them._

_JAMES: *narrows his eyes* Do… I… LOOK… like a girl!?_

_VICTORIA: *is looking at James, his long blonde hair is down* Like, right NOW, or just in general?_

_JAMES: *snarls* GET OUT!_

_VICTORIA: You are absolutely ridiculous._

_JAMES: OUT!!!_

_VICTORIA: *shakes her head, leaves*_

_She hears James scream, "STUPID HAIR!" at the mirror and then a loud shattering sound._

VICTORIA: Yep. Trufax.

LAURENT: I'm sorry I missed that. *_holds out the blunt_* You want to try it?

VICTORIA: Why couldn't you have started this habit back when James was still HERE? *_she takes a hit_* Not bad…

LAURENT: Of course it's not. You think I would buy crap? To answer your question… What do you think I was doing while you two were in the other room making all that noise?

VICTORIA: *_laughs_* You dick.

LAURENT: *_laughs_* No, I am Laurent.

VICTORIA: That's a French ass name, Laurent.

*


	4. Act Four: Gender Bender Day

**DISCLAIMER: Nope. Still don't own anything. Remember Jackson Rathbone on Criminal Minds? No? Well it won't let me put a link so google Jackson Rathbone on Criminal Minds. SRSLY. YOU NEED TO SEE IT. GOD DAMN, HE IS PRETTIER THAN US.**

**Picture Jasper looking like that in this chapter. Kthx.**

**Oh, slight Rosalie bashing... It gets progressively worse from here on in. We didn't mean it that way, it just... happened. Anyway.. Carry on:**

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ACT FOUR: GENDER BENDER DAY

_It's Gender Bender Day at Forks High. Everyone is downstairs, ready to go, except for Jasper, who is taking his sweet time._

ROSALIE: *_getting impatient, stamping foot_* Let's GO, Jasper… Emmett didn't even take this long. *_looks at Emmett_* Did you even dress up at all?

EMMETT: Yes! I DID.

ROSALIE: You're still wearing guy clothes.

EMMETT: I'm wearing one of your necklaces and a little bit of makeup.

ROSALIE: That doesn't make you a girl, Emmett.

EMMETT: Sure it makes me a girl. A butchy lesbian girl.

ROSALIE: Whatever.

ALICE: I think that's actually really creative!

EDWARD: *_who looks like some girl version of Robert Smith_* Yeah, a really creative way of getting out of wearing a dress.

EMMETT: *_shoots him a look_* Shut up. *_glances at Bella_* Where did you get those clothes?

_Bella is wearing a pair of jeans two sizes too big, a wife beater, and a plaid shirt. Her hair is down and is sporting a baseball cap._

BELLA: A friend…

ROSALIE: *_sniffs_* You smell like a dog.

EDWARD: *_unimpressed_* You got those from Jacob!

ALICE: *giggles* You dressed like a native boy. That's really cute.

ESME: I think so too. And you look cute in your plaid skirt, too, Edward.

CARLISLE: You all look great. What _is_ taking Jasper so long?

ROSALIE: *_yells_* JASPER!

JASPER: *_in girly voice_* Coming!

_Jasper comes down the stairs in a long dark wig with bangs. He is wearing a sleeveless form-fitting jade green satin dress and a pair of black Jimmy Choo shoes he borrowed from Alice. He is wearing a touch of green eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara and berry lipgloss. He also has Rosalie's black Gucci bag slung over his shoulder. Everyone is gaping at how impressive his transformation into a woman is._

EDWARD: Holy…

EMMETT: …Hot damn.

CARLISLE: Now _that's _impressive. You really look like a girl, Jasper.

JASPER: Jasper? My name's Jasmine!

ALICE: Omigod, I love you.

ROSALIE: *_mouth gaping, disgusted_* You are the creepiest thing I have ever seen.

ESME: Be nice. I think he looks _lovely_.

EMMETT: *_under breath_* I'll say… *_holds out hand to help Jasper down the stairs_*

JASPER: Why thank you, kind sir. I do declare, I think you're giving me the vapors! *_fans self_*

BELLA: Oh my god, this is too funny.

EDWARD: Yeah, in the creepiest sense of the word. Let's get this over with. The sooner this day is done, you can give that _dog_ his clothes back.

BELLA: Well actually, he told me to keep them. He doesn't wear them any more, anyway.

EDWARD: Fine, we'll burn them later. *_is dragging her out the door_*

_Everyone heads out to the cars. Emmett, still holding Jasper's hand lifts it up to his mouth and kisses his knuckles. _

EMMETT: Let me get that for you. _He opens the door for Jasper. _

JASPER: My, what a gentleman. You really know how to make a woman blush_._

ROSALIE: …And to make _me_ sick. This is a stupid school thing, Jasper. I think you're going just a _little _overboard!

EMMETT: Oh, just ignore her. She's just jealous you make a prettier girl than she does.

ROSALIE: *_enraged_* Well if _that's_ what you think, why don't you date JASMINE, instead!?

JASPER: *_trying to lighten the mood_* Now, now. Don't be fightin' over little ol' me!

ROSALIE: Oh, SHUT UP!

EMMETT: Aw, babe come on, don't-

ROSALIE: No! You spend all your time with him anyway, nowadays! You may as well be dating him!

EMMETT: *_annoyed_* Well, MAYBE I WILL THEN! *_drags Jasper to the Jeep_*

BELLA: Wow.

EDWARD: *_makes a half disgusted, half baffled face_* My family is insane…

ALICE: *_quietly to herself_* Things are going to get very interesting, very soon… *_smirks_*

_In Emmett's Jeep… _

EMMETT: *_tapping on the steering wheel_*

JASPER: *_smirks_* Does that mean we're a couple now?

EMMETT: *_laughs_* Well, it _would _keep the guys at school from unf-ing all over you…

JASPER: Do I really look that much like a girl?

EMMETT: *_thoroughly checks him out_* …Yeah.

JASPER: *_wide grin spreads across his face_* You think I'm gorrrgeousss. You wanna kissss me!

EMMETT: *_laughing_* Shut up!

JASPER: *_back in girl mode_* Ah! Now is that any way to talk to a lady!

EMMETT: *_shakes his head_* You're lucky you're cute…

JASPER: *_smiles gleefully_* You think I'm cute! *_bats eyelashes_*

EMMETT: *_laughs, starts the Jeep_*

_Upon arrival at the school, all heads start to turn when Jasper starts to get out of the Jeep. _

JESSICA: *_scoffs and rolls her eyes_* Looks like Dr. Cullen adopted another kid.

ANGELA: She's beautiful.

ERIC: Huh? *_turns his head_*

MIKE: Whoa…

TYLER: She is fiiine…

JESSICA: Well that's not a shock, she's a Cullen.

MIKE: A _single_ one. *_grins_*

JESSICA: Oh, please. Need I remind you, she's a CULLEN. Noone here is ever good enough for a CULLEN. Except Bella. *_rolls eyes again_*

MIKE: Yeah, well, Cullen's a freak.

TYLER: You guys have fun with that discussion. I'm gonna go over there *_points with both hands_* to her.

ERIC: There's a Cullen missing.

ANGELA: Yeah, Jasper. Probably home sick.

JESSICA: Who cares!?

_Back over with the Cullens…_

EMMETT: Are you just gonna ignore me all day, Rose?

ROSALIE: I have nothing to say to you.

EMMETT: And let me guess, I'm on the couch _again_?

ROSALIE: Wow. You brained. _Impressive_.

EMMETT: Maybe I _should _date him. He's probably more likely to put out than _you_. When was the last time…?

ROSALIE: We're vampires, Emmett. We live _forever_. Another night on the couch is not going to kill you.

EMMETT: I have needs, Rose. I can't be like Edward! Forever!

EDWARD: *offended* Um, hello? Girlfriend. Pregnant. Didn't just happen by itself, you know…

EMMETT: Okay. Sorry. I just- The point is: *_to Rosalie_* You're a prude! And I'm just getting really sick of… Everything!

ROSALIE: Well. Suit yourself. By the way. You might want to pay a bit more attention to your new *_makes finger quotes_* _girlfriend_. She's being hit on, by that Tyler kid. *_points_*

EMMETT: Aw, shit.

_Pan to Tyler and "Jasmine"…_

TYLER: *_touching "her" hair_* So you're the new girl, huh? What's your name, beautiful?

JASPER: *_blinks_* Um… right. Jasmine?

TYLER: That's a beautiful name… For a beautiful girl.

JASPER: *_trying not to laugh_* Thank you.

TYLER: *_touching "her" arm_* So… How's about… *_puts arm around her_* you and me?

JASPER: Um…

EMMETT: *_cutting in_* Everything all right here?

JASPER: Better now that you're here, darlin'.

TYLER: *_feeling awkward_* Um… She's your girl? I thought the crabby blonde was your girl?

JASPER: *_snickers_*

EMMETT: Yeah… *_gives Tyler the eye_* Change of plans…

TYLER: *_backs off_* Sorry, dude… it's all good… All good! *_runs off to Eric and Mike who are gaping in astonishment by his van_*

JASPER: *_adjusts Emmett's collar, touches his chest_* My hero!

EMMETT: *_half joking_* Isn't the hero supposed to get a kiss from the fair maiden?

JASPER: Well. *smirks* If you insist…

_From the car beside them:_

EDWARD: *_looking sick_* Oh, no…

BELLA: *_stunned_* This has gone too far.

ALICE: *_hiding her inner glee_* This is the best day ever!

BELLA: *_confused_* Isn't… Jasper with _you_…?

ALICE: *_waves hand dismissively_* We're not so much "married"… We just have sex! *_smiles_*

_Edward looks even more sick._

BELLA: I though you two were in love…?

ALICE: We do love each other! We just have an open relationship!

EDWARD: *_sinks into seat_* You're a perv, Alice.

ALICE: I know! Hee!

ROSALIE: You all can enjoy this freakshow. I'm going inside. *_leaves_*

_Back to Jazz and Em…_

_Emmett is in a moment of complete catatonic schizophrenia. His mouth is hanging open, and his only thoughts are "omigod, omigod, omigod, omigod." Jasper cups Emmett's chin and pulls his face down towards his and gently presses his lips to Emmett's. Emmett's eyes grow wide for a split second, then he shuts them and snakes an arm around Jasper and pulls him against him. His other hand is curled in Jasper's wig. Jasper, after a moment of shock, lets out a soft sigh and continues to kiss Emmett._

_*_

**And that's that. Thanks for reading, reviews are made of win. :D BTW, Chapter 5 is coming soon. And Jasper is still dressed as a chick.**


	5. Act Five: Smells Like Teen Confederacy

**DISCLAIMER: CandyAppleBlack and I STILL don't own Twilight. Nope.**

**Alright... I think thats it. Without further ado:**

**----------**

ACT FIVE: SMELLS LIKE TEEN CONFEDERACY

_At lunch, in the cafeteria:_

JESSICA: I cannot believe he did that! Has somebody told Rosalie?

TYLER: Yo, Jess. Emmett said they broke up.

ANGELA: Oh. That's a little sad. They looked so good together. When did they break up?

MIKE: Who cares. Rosalie's single now. *_follows her ass as she walks by with her lunch tray_*

ERIC: What makes you think she'll go out with you?

MIKE: I'll just lay out the good ol' Newton charm.

TYLER: Dude. You have about as much charm as a fig newton.

_Both girls laugh._

_Back at the Cullen table…_

BELLA: I can't believe you two did that.

EDWARD: *_still grossed out_* Yeah. Me neither.

ROSALIE: Ugh. Can we _please _talk about something _else_? If I could eat this salad right now, and then lose it, I would.

ALICE: Lighten up, Rose. It was funny! They're just playing around!

JASPER: Yeah, lighten up Rosalie.

_Emmett is trying to mask his confusion. He is not sure whether or not Jasper was being serious, and is even more curious as to whether or not that kiss was real. He is too wrapped up in his thoughts to notice that Edward is watching him. Emmett is pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of the bell ringing. Everyone starts heading back to class. He starts dragging his feet slowly and then Edward grabs his arm and pulls him back._

EMMETT: …What?

EDWARD: You… seriously like him, don't you?

EMMETT: I don't know what you're- Get out of my head, footface!

EDWARD: Look. Do you want me to help you, or not?

EMMETT: Help me with what?

EDWARD: Remember when I got you to help me get Angela and that Eric kid together? Now I'm gonna return the favour…

EMMETT: Okaaay…

EDWARD: Just answer me this first… Is it _Jasper _you like, or is it Jasper as a _girl _you like?

EMMETT: I'm not… sure.

EDWARD: All right. Picture him looking like Jasper. Do you still want to *_shudders_* do… him?

EMMETT: *_pictures for a moment_* Yeah. Yeah I do.

EDWARD: It took a wig, lipstick and fake tits for you to realize that? …And when did you even decide you liked… boys?

EMMETT: *_throws arms up_* I… Are you gonna help me or not!?

EDWARD: Fine. On one condition: That I never have to see you two- Or even _hear _you two. Doing. Anything.

EMMETT: *_folds his arms, smirks_* You have a problem with two guys doing it?

EDWARD: Of course I do! I have a problem with _anybody _doing it! There's a reason we all have our own-

EMMETT: …Sexy time cabins?

EDWARD: *rolls eyes* Yeah. Those.

EMMETT: You know mom and dad have "sexy times" at home.

EDWARD: *_totally disgusted_* I don't wanna hear it! I don't want to hear about _my mother_ doing those vile and obsene acts!

EMMETT: You did it with Bella!

EDWARD: *_hysterical_* AND IT WAS JUST AS VILE!

EMMETT: *_bursts into laughter_* WHAT!?

EDWARD: No- That's not what I- It wasn't- Shut up! Go to class! *_points down the hall_*

EMMETT: *_salutes_* Yes, sir! You still gonna help me later or what?

EDWARD: *_through gritted teeth_* Yes. NOW GO!

_They each go to their respective classes. Edward is sitting behind Jasper in History. Today's subject is the confederate states of America and the Civil War. Jasper's mind is wandering because he already knows this all too well… Lucky for Edward, it's wandering right where it should be…_

JASPER: _…I wonder if he liked that kiss as much as I did. If it wasn't for this stupid dress-up day, would I have even had the guts to do it? I wonder if he actually likes me. And if he does, is it me, or 'Jasmine'. Maybe I should just go ask Alice. She probably knows how it's gonna end anyway. No fair. I wond- *groans* I got peeping Ed behind me, don't I? Shit. *turns around* _What do you know?

EDWARD: *_tries to play dumb_* About what?

JASPER: *_stares him down_* Don't lie to me.

EDWARD: You know, it's kind of hard to take you seriously, dressed like _that_.

MR. MILLER: MISTER Hale!

JASPER: *_turns back to front of class_* Yes, sir.

TYLER: HOLY SHIT.

MIKE: Oh, god. You totally hit on a dude, dude.

MR: MILLER: Language, Mister Crowley.

TYLER: *_still shocked_* Sorry sir but… *_looks at Jasper* _You're a dude.

JASPER: Yes… I'm a dude.

EDWARD: It _is _Gender Bender day…

TYLER: Yeah, I know but… You made OUT with a DUDE!

JASPER: Yes. I'm bisexual. I do that from time to time.

EDWARD: _Well, he's making this a hell of a lot easier._

MR: MILLER: Alright class, simmer down. Remember this is HISTORY, not Sex Ed, Mister Hale.

JASPER: *_smirks_*

MR. MILLER: And since you seem to think you don't need to pay attention in this class, you can come up and teach the rest of the class.

EDWARD: Oh, this should be good.

JASPER: *_back in girl mode_* Why I'd love to.

EDWARD: *_whispers_* Cheater.

_Jasper saunters up to the front of the class, swivelling his hips like a girl._

MIKE: He plays the part really well…

TYLER: It's just not right, dude… It's just not right. *_raises hand_* Yo, Mr. Miller… Can I have, like, a bathroom pass… _please_?

MR. MILLER: *_hands it to him_* GO.

_Tyler takes off like a bat out of hell._

MR. MILLER: Alright Mr. Hale, proceed.

_Jasper smirks and clears his throat. He continues talking in a girl's voice._

JASPER: The Confederate States of America, also called the Confederacy, the Confederate States, and the CSA formed as the government set up from 1861 to 1865 by eleven southern states of the United States of America that had declared their secession from the U.S. The CSA's de facto control over its claimed territory varied during the course of the American Civil War, depending on the success of its military in battle…

EDWARD: *mutters to himself* Does he have to keep talking like a girl…

JASPER: Any more shenanigans out of you, Mister Cullen, and I'm sending you straight to the principal's office!

EDWARD: Duly noted… Ma'am.

_The entire class breaks out in laughter. Jasper continues to teach until the class ends. Mr. Miller is amazed and chagrined at the same time._

*

_It's the last period of the day. Edward and Jasper have a spare together. They go sit in the library where it's quiet. Edward is struggling with how to broach the subject of Emmett to Jasper, so he decides to just be blunt._

EDWARD: Do you like Emmett?

JASPER: What?

EDWARD: *says slowly* Do… You… Like… Em… Mett?

JASPER: I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME, I AM NOT RETARDED.

MRS. SMITHELY: SHHH!!!

JASPER: Sorry, *_under breath_* Mrs. Smite-Thee…

EDWARD: So do you?

JASPER: *_folds his arms_* Don't you already know the answer to that, Mr. Nosey?

EDWARD: You know I can't help that! Like you can't help feeling everyone's… _feelings_!

JASPER: Alright fine… *_almost inaudibly_* Yes…

EDWARD: You know I can hear you _thinking _that, right?

JASPER: Shit.

EDWARD: *_smiles warmly for a second and then shudders_* Blargh.

JASPER: *_gives him the finger_* Where are you going with this, anyway?

EDWARD: *_having a hard time enjoying the conversation_* He… likes… you.

JASPER: *eyes widen* Really? *grins* Wait… Does he like me? Or… *_holds out a piece of the wig_* Me…?

EDWARD: Ahh… You. As… a whole. *_waves hands in a circle_* Yeah.

JASPER: Emmett likes… Males?

EDWARD: Emmett's a special… guy…

JASPER: I knew it.

EDWARD: You spent _half an hour _arguing with yourself in your head!

JASPER: See! You WERE spying on me! You lying… lie face!!!

MRS. SMITHELY: SHHHHHHHH!!!

JASPER: *_slumps back into seat_* I'm gonna eat her. Crusty old bag.

EDWARD: No you're not.

JASPER: How do _you_ know?

EDWARD: *_smugly_* Because I can read Alice's mind.

JASPER: …Hate you. Both of you. *_crosses his arms, pouts_*

EDWARD: Aww, don't cry little girl…

JASPER: I'm gonna eat YOU!!!

MRS. SMITHELY: SSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

JASPER: *_stands up, knocking his chair over_* is that all you can say is SHHHHH! Stop telling me to SHHHH! Tell me to shush! Tell me to shut up! Tell me to stuff it! Tell me anything, just stop telling me to SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

MRS: SMITHELY: Mister Hale. Shut the fuck up.

JASPER: *_cracking up_* Oh, dude. I totally need to smoke one.

EDWARD: *_laughing so hard he fell off his chair_* Two words: Ep… and Ic.

*

**Thus ends Chapter 5! Next chapter up soon. Thanks for reading, and don't forget that reviews make the world go round. Or at least they make us happier. ^_^**


	6. Act Six: Heartstrings: TTTR, OS

**DISCLAIMER: Still don't own Twilight... RAGE alert, ANGST alert.**

**Okay so we really wanted to get this up, so chapter 6 is early. Merry X-Mas.  
If you have the song Apologize by OneRepublic we recommend you play it while reading this chapter. It adds that, how do you say... Je ne sais quoi.**

**So this one is a little more angsty than the rest but hey. Variety is the spice of life. Without further ado:**

ACT SIX: HEARTSTRINGS: *TUG, TUG, TUG, RIP* OH SHIT.

_Jasper has locked himself in the handicapper stall in the boys washroom. He is taking a hit off of a rather large joint. He hears the bathroom door open. He starts coughing, because he figures he is busted._

EMMETT: Jazz? Edward said you were in here… Jazz. Dude. I can see the smoke in the end stall. *_tries to push open the stall door but finds that it's locked_* Jazz, come on.

_Jasper is perched up on the toilet seat with his knees drawn up. He takes another huge hit._

EMMETT: Dude. Open this door or I'm gonna either bust it open or jump over.

JASPER: No you can't.

EMMETT: Haven't you ever seen me play baseball?

JASPER: Hate you. All of you!

EMMETT: *_wincing_* I'm… sorry?

JASPER: Okay I didn't mean that. At least not to you. But still to Edward.

EMMETT: *_snickers_* So… you gonna pass that over any time soon dude? Or do I have to hop over this door?

JASPER: I think you should hop. Monkey man.

_Emmett leaps over the door. Jasper holds out the joint. Emmett takes a hoot. There is a moment of silence that seems to drag on forever._

JASPER: The librarian told me to shut the fuck up.

EMMETT: *chokes on cloud of smoke* What??!

JASPER: Yeah man. Trufax. The little old lady with the beehive and the big coke bottle glasses. She was all like, *_in little old lady voice_* "Mister Hale. Shut the fuck up."

EMMETT: *_snorts_* I gotta admit, you do a mean old lady impression.

JASPER: *_is Jasmine again_* Why thank you handsome. You do flatter me so.*_bats eyelashes_*

EMMETT: *_smiles a little_* So… Why were you and Edward in the library? _What did that bastard Edward say to him? I swear to god I'll kill him…_

JASPER: We were talking about… things…

EMMETT: *_getting a little nervous_* What kind of… things?

JASPER: You know… Thingy… type… things.

EMMETT: Well, did he say something you didn't like? I mean… why did you lock yourself in the bathroom? _Edward is going to DIE…_

JASPER: Well… he said something really interesting…

EMMETT: Oh yeah? _Interesting good, interesting bad, interesting what!?? Edward's going to die today… that's interesting._

JASPER: Yeah… Dude… *_butts out the roach, reaches into bra, takes out baggie, puts the roach in it, and puts the bag back in the bra_*

EMMETT: *_slumps against the wall, slides down, leans his head against the wall, mutters_* This was such a stupid idea… Maybe I should try to talk things out with Rosalie…

_Jasper tries to get up, ends up falling._

EMMETT: *_catches him_* Are you okay?

JASPER: Yeah… No… Yeah… No?

EMMETT: *_cups Jasper's face_* What did Edward do to you? I'll kill him…

JASPER: Nothing. This is just some really strong weed… And I need more.

EMMETT: *_lets Jasper's face go_* Whatever Edward told you I'm sorry. *_looks away_*

JASPER: _looks confused for a moment, and then his eyes widen with a sudden revelation. *quietly* _Aw, shit. _He scoots over beside Emmett. He reaches over and takes Emmett's face in his hand and turns it towards him. Emmett's eyes are brimming with tears, so he tries to turn away. Jasper pulls him in and kisses him tenderly._

EMMETT: So… you- But- You mean- Then- Why did you- You locked the- Bu-

JASPER: At ta ta! Stop that. You sound like Bella. Nothin' against Bella, she's great…

EMMETT: She's great… And vile.

JASPER: Ehh?

EMMETT: Uhm. Never mind.

JASPER: Uh… okay.

EMMETT: The point was… I like you… A lot.

JASPER: *_excited_* That was the interesting thing that Edward told me! I like you too, you big doofus.

EMMETT: Really?

JASPER: Did I not just kiss you?

EMMETT: Oh yeah. *_sings_* Me and my bros that's how we roll, you never know how far we'll go, I'll grab some junk that I don't own, and plant one right on him… I kissed a boy and I liked it…

JASPER: *_crosses arms_* And just who's junk have you been grabbing, exactly?

EMMETT: Heh. *_stealthily slides his hand up Jasper's dress_*

JASPER: What are you doing… Uh… Uh-huh… *_closes his eyes_*

EMMETT: *_licks his lips_* Yeah… *_leans in and starts kissing Jasper's neck_*

*

_That evening, at home, Emmett and Rosalie are upstairs in their room bickering. Alice is trying to probe Jasper as to how the rest of his day went._

ALICE: Pleeeease!

JASPER: No! Don't you already know anyway?

ALICE: Yeah. But I wanna hear it from you!

JASPER: Well then you're shit outta luck.

ALICE: Was it romantic?

JASPER: *_scoffs_* We're guys! *_quietly_* …A little.

ALICE: Eeee! Yay!

*

ROSALIE: Okay. You and Jasper had your fun today. Now it's time to get over it and get back to real life.

EMMETT: But you dumped me.

ROSALIE: I was angry… I just needed some space. You know that. This isn't you, Emmett.

EMMETT: But I'm getting tired of it. Maybe we should stay broken up.

ROSALIE: And if you think Jasper's going to leave Alice for _you, _then… you're stupider than I thought.

*

JASPER: *_shivers_*

ALICE: What's wr- *_sees a vision_* Ohh…

*

EMMETT: *_starting to rage_* Don't call me that.

ROSALIE: Well you are. You have this _stupid _idea in your _stupid _little head, that you're going to have this _stupid _little romance, because… You're _stupid_. And it's BECAUSE you're stupid, you got mauled by that bear!

EMMETT: Why did you save me then?

ROSALIE: *_shrugs_* Pity?

EMMETT: *_his eyes blacken_* You… BITCH!!! *_he swipes an arm back, smashing it through her armoire_*

_Rosalie is suddenly short an armoire. Not only that, her favourite pair of shoes have just been crumpled to pieces by Emmett's fist._

_*_

_Jasper and Alice hear the smash and come running up the stairs. From the hallway they hear them shouting._

ROSALIE: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

EMMETT: YOU! YOU'RE A MEAN GIRL, ROSALIE. YOU'RE A BITCH.

_Emmett turns around to see Alice and Jasper standing there in the doorway. Rosalie darts out to warn the rest of the house that Emmett has gone ballistic, and to tell Edward to get his human out of the house. There are bits and pieces of armoire and shoe all over the floor. Jasper's eyes widen as he stares, frightened, at Emmett._

ALICE: Oh! Those poor shoes!

JASPER: *_harsh tone_* Alice!

ALICE: *_whispering_* Sorry.

_Emmett is still standing there, fists clenched at his sides, and breathing erratically._

JASPER: *_trying to calming ability to bring Emmett down_* Emmett, dude. Please. Just calm down. We'll smoke a doob later…

ALICE: Jasper, I don't think that's incentive right now…

JASPER: *_to Alice_* Can you just… leave the room… So I can be like, alone with him?

ALICE: Okay… Are you sure you're going to be all right?

JASPER: I'll be fine. Go.

_She leaves. Jasper cautiously goes up to Emmett and takes one fist into his hands and starts rubbing it. _

JASPER: You're not stupid, okay?

EMMETT: You're just saying that to make me feel better, because that's what you do. You're Dr. Feel Good.

JASPER: *_snort_* I'm sorry, I shouldn't be laughing. *_snicker_* This is not a good time… *_snickers some more_*

EMMETT: WHAT?

JASPER: Um… I'm just picturing you calling me that in bed.

EMMETT: *_holds back a chuckle_* I'll have to remember that…

JASPER: Was that a smile? *_in baby voice_* Ohh, I saw a smile! *_wiggles finger at Emmett's face_*

EMMETT: *_swats at Jasper's finger_* Stop that! *_grumbles_* You and your stupid Dr. Feel Good powers… Making me feel… good.

JASPER: …Oh I haven't begun to do _that _yet…

EMMETT: *_wiggles eyebrows_* Oh really?

JASPER: Mhm. *_walking fingers up Emmett's chest_* But first, we're gonna clean up this mess, make sure everyone's pacified, smoke a really big doob, and _then, _we're gonna feel really *_nuzzles Emmett's neck_* _really _good.

EMMETT: Yeah… Okay…

*

**Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed. And remember, reviews = 3, and make Esme squee.**


	7. Act Seven: Cobra Starship Pwns Rosalie

**Disclaimer: Mhm. yep. Still don't own Twilight. Don't want to.**

**Bashing Rosalie heavily. We also return to your regular scheduled programming... Not angst!**

**----------------**

ACT SEVEN: COBRA STARSHIP PWNS ROSALIE

_The next day, Bella and Alice rode with Edward in the Volvo while Rosalie and Jasper rode with Emmett in the Jeep. Emmett and Rosalie were arguing. Again. _

ROSALIE: Okay. You ruined my armoire and my shoes. And that's fine. But if you think that whatever you're doing with *_looks in rear view mirror and points to the back seat where Jasper's sitting_* HIM, is going to work, *_Jasper rolls his eyes_* you are sadly mistaken.

EMMETT: *_gritting teeth_* Alright, and WHY is that?

_Jasper is getting nervous in the back, because Rosalie is being a bitch, it's pissing Emmett off, and Emmett's driving. Nothing good can come from this._

ROSALIE: You're in high school, if you've forgotten, and people can be cruel. They're going to call you fag, and homo, and queer, an-

EMMETT: Well if I'm so disgusting, why are you in my car? GET OUT.

ROSALIE: We're on the road, jack ass.

EMMETT: Tuck and roll.

JASPER: Uhh, guys? Rosalie? Um… Cool it.

ROSALIE: Oh, figures you'd defend _him_.

JASPER: I'm not defending anybody. If we're going to wage war on each other could we like, not do it whilst in a moving vehicle?

ROSALIE: It's his fault. He's the _stupid _idiot that started all of this.

EMMETT: *_screeches his tires as he turns sharply into the school parking lot, narrowly missing Bella_* Oh look, the parking lot. GET OUT.

EDWARD: *_standing in the parking space adjacent to Emmett's_* What IS it with everyone nearly hitting my GIRLFRIEND?!

EMMETT: Not NOW, Edward!

JASPER: *_quietly_* I think I may have wet my pants… At least, if I _could _pee myself… I probably would have…

EMMETT: GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. ROSE. NOW. NOWWWWW.

ROSALIE: *_gets out of the car, slamming the door so hard the window shatters_*

EMMETT: *_fuming_* Oh, Rosalie?

ROSALIE: WHAT!?

EMMETT: One more thing. *_turns on cd player, blasts it at full volume_*

_Uh-huh, holy shit__  
It's about time you get off my dick  
A few times you been around that track  
But your ass is still fat  
it's gonna stay like that  
Cause I ain't your hollaback boy  
I ain't your hollaback boy_

JASPER: Uhhh…

EMMETT: What?

JASPER: Uhhh… *_points to front of Jeep_*

EMMETT: Holy shit…

JASPER: *_muttering_* Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.

PRINCIPAL: Mister Cullen and Mister Hale. Turn that infernal racket off, and see me in my office.

ROSALIE: Ha. Good going Emmett. You just got your new boyfriend in trouble. You really _are _stupid.

PRINCIPAL: And you too, Miss Hale.

ROSALIE: What did _I_ do?

PRINCIPAL: All of you. In my office. NOW.

ROSALIE: *_looks at Emmett_* I hate you. I utterly and completely loathe you.

EMMETT: Fuck you too, you miserable swamp donkey cuntwaffle.

ROSALIE: You know, if you were smart, you'd be a little more concerned about the fact that your new boyfriend is probably suspended!

_Jasper brushes past Rosalie, glances back at her and glares, walks up to Emmett and entwines their fingers. Emmett looks at Jasper, then looks down at their hands. He smiles. Jasper gives his hand a squeeze._

JASPER: …Since we're going to hell. *_smiles_*

_They enter the office, the principal walks behind his desk, and leans on it._

PRINCIPAL: So. What do you all have to say for yourselves?

EMMETT: She deserved it! It's not my fault she's a raging cuntrag!

ROSALIE: That's right, dig yourself in deeper, you stupid ass.

EMMETT: Oh shut up, you scum-sucking road whore.

PRINCIPAL: That's enough, Mister Cullen.

_Jasper cautiously raises one finger into the air._

JASPER: Um… Can I just say that I'm just guilty by association, I didn't actually do anything…

ROSALIE: He's right. The only thing he did was get sucked into _your _stupidity.

EMMETT: Fucking cunt, stop calling me STUPID!

ROSALIE: …If the shoe fits…

PRINCIPAL: That's quite enough out of all of you.

JASPER: But… I didn't _do _anything!

PRINCIPAL: Rosalie, detention for you.

ROSALIE: What do you mean, _detention_? They were the ones-

PRINCIPAL: DETENTION, Miss Hale. One hour, after school. As for the two of you, suspension, three days.

_Rosalie crosses her arms and smirks triumphantly._

EMMETT: *_chagrined_* Fuck…

JASPER: …But I didn't _DO _anything!

ROSALIE: Good for you, Emmett. You got your boyfriend suspended. Good job.

EMMETT: …Fuuuck.

PRINCIPAL: If you don't quit with the language Mister Cullen, you are going to be suspended for the whole week!

_Emmett makes an angry face, and then gives Rosalie the finger behind the desk so the principal can't see._

PRINCIPAL: Is there a parent or guardian that can come pick you boys up?

ROSALIE: *_rather smug_* Esme's home.

EMMETT: *_deep breath_* …Kill me.

JASPER: *_looks like he's about to cry, says quietly_* I didn't even do anything!

EMMETT: *_turns to Jasper_* I'm so sorry. *_hangs his head in shame_*

ROSALIE: *_still smug_* Don't worry. I'll drive your Jeep home.

EMMETT: *_lifts his head, gapes at her_* Don't touch my Jeep. Alice can drive it. And I'll know if you touched it.

ROSALIE: Oooooh, I'm scaaared.

JASPER: *_curls his lip_* I'm gonna eat her.

*

_We are in the biology lab with Bella and Edward. Something about prophase and metaphase is going on. _

BELLA: *_glances out the window_* Why is your mom pulling into the parking lot?

EDWARD: *_excited_* My mommy's here?

BELLA: Mommy?

EDWARD: What?

BELLA: …Mommy.

EDWARD: Huh?

BELLA: You… said… MOMMY.

EDWARD: Because… shut up!

*

_In Esme's car, the silence is deafening. She breaks it._

ESME: So do you two want to explain to me exactly why you're going to be at home for three days?

EMMETT: Because… I didn't… It wasn't… *_bursts into tears_*

JASPER: *_takes Emmett's hand_* He and Rosalie were fighting again. It got a little out of hand… The principal came out at the worst moment imaginable.

ESME: I hope you two know the amount of trouble that you're in.

JASPER: *_finally getting fed up_* But… I… didn't even DO ANYTHING!

EMMETT: _*sobs harder_* I'M SO SORRY!

JASPER: *_gives his hand a squeeze_* It's okay. I'm not angry with you. Calm the hell down, man.

EMMETT: So *_sniffles_* You're not gonna dump me?

JASPER: *_stares at him like he's insane_* What? No! Of course not! Where did that even come from? Of course I'm not dumping you, you big dork!

EMMETT: *_sniffles, smiles a little_* …I'm not a dork.

JASPER: Yeah, well. You're my dork. Get over it.

_Meanwhile, in the front seat, Esme is SO confused._

ESME: *_says with exasperation_* What is going on… with my family…

EMMETT: what do you mean mo- Uh.

JASPER: *_snorts_* Well this day has been fun…

ESME: Well?!

JASPER: *_blurts out* _Emmett and Rosalie broke up, I dressed up like a girl, things happened, now we're together. Like, together… together.

EMMETT: Way to word vomit, Jasper.

ESME: *_looking in rearview mirror_* And what about you and Alice?

JASPER: Oh. She's cool with it. She knows I go both ways. We've always had a very open relationship.

ESME: Okay. And I guess that Rosalie didn't know that you're the same?

EMMETT: Um… Not exactly… I prefer… boys.

JASPER: *_snickers_* And all it took to get there was… a girl. You're ridiculous!

EMMETT: Shut up!

JASPER: *_snorts_*

ESME: Well. Just know that I'll always love and accept you no matter what your preference is. All that matters is that you're happy. You'll always be my boys. *_under breath_* No matter how many imaginary gray hairs you give me…

EMMETT: *_to Jasper_* So… What are we supposed to do for three days? Sit in a corner and think about what we've done?

JASPER: *_snickers_* We get a time out.

ESME: Oh, don't worry boys. I have enough things planned to keep you busy. And OUT of trouble!

EMMETT: *_quietly_* Shit.

JASPER: *_raises his brows_* Like what?

ESME: Well, for starters, you're going to pull the weeds from my flower bed, then you're going to give the house a good clean, Emmett is going to tidy his room-

EMMETT: *jaw drops* But-

ESME: No ifs, ands, or buts. And then, you're going to help me make dinner for Bella.

JASPER: *_makes a face of disgust_* Ew. Human food. Bleh.

ESME: That's right! We've got a looong three days ahead of us!

EMMETT: But… It's my _room_! It's… mine! Besides, if we do all these things, what's Edward going to do? He'll be bored!

ESME: *_a little annoyed_* He'll be _fine_.

EMMETT: …Dammit.

JASPER: I'll help you clean your room.

ESME: Uh-uh. He's going to do that all by himself.

EMMETT: Not fair.

ESME: Life's not fair, honey. And now that I know what I know now, if I leave you two to clean your room together, not much cleaning is going to happen, now is it?

JASPER: …We just got pwned. By our mother.

EMMETT: The game. We just lost it.

ESME: NONE OF THAT! None of that.

EMMETT: None of what?

JASPER: *_snorts_* …Talking like dad.

EMMETT: *_giggles_* Oh.

_Esme pulls the car into the driveway._

ESME: Alright boys. Go put on your grubby clothes. We have weeds to pull. *_satisfied smile*_

*

**Thanks for reading... Leaving reviews gets Emmett and Jasper _not_ in trouble! ^_^**


	8. Act Eight: You Are Trashing My Scene

**DISCLAIMER: Still don't own Twilight. Stilllll don't want to. Jacksper however, we'll take him. ^_^**

**So... All aboard the rage train! Please put your bags in the overhead compartment and enjoy the ride!**

**-------**

ACT EIGHT: YOU ARE TRASHING MY SCENE

_In the garden, Jasper is sporting Esme's straw hat. Emmett rips out a dandelion and starts to snicker._

JASPER: What?

EMMETT: Esme had an Edward and its head popped off! *_flicks the dandelion top off with his thumb*_

JASPER: _*snickers* _You better not do that in front of Edward.

EMMETT: *_grin spreads across his face_* It's brilliant I tell you!

JASPER: No.

EMMETT: Genius I say! …Why are you wearing Esme's sun hat?

JASPER: Um. It makes me feel pretty?

EMMETT: And witty and gay?

JASPER: *_in sing-song voice_* And I pity anyone who isn't me today!

EMMETT: *_shakes his head_* You're silly.

JASPER: Yes. *_puts a daisy in the hat_* Yes I am.

_Fast forward to an hour after the end of the school day, Rosalie finally storms through the front door._

ESME: Where on earth have you been?

ROSALIE: *_fumes* _I was in detention.

ESME: You were in detention. How on earth did you get in detention?

ROSALIE: Ask the two _idiots _you call sons.

ESME: What did you do and why on earth did you bother getting involved in their nonsense? I expect more from you, Rosalie, you should know better than that. Just go, Rosalie, Just… Just go.

ROSALIE: _*boils over with rage_* That's IT. *_storms out of the house*_

_Everyone suddenly perks up to the sound of something smashing in the garage._

ROSALIE: *_baseball bat in hands_* STUPID! _*smash* _IDIOT! _*smash* _JACKASS ASSHOLE! _*louder smash*_

_Emmett's Jeep has been reduced to pulp. The windows have been smashed, the headlights have been destroyed, and there are dents everywhere. One of the side view mirrors is on the floor to the left. The Cullen family in its entirety runs into the garage. Yes, even Carlisle, who was busy pwning noobs in his office. Emmett pushes through and sees his beloved Jeep reduced to rubble. He looks like he's about to cry._

EMMETT: My… Jeep! _*trembles*_

ROSALIE: Not any more!

EMMETT: You bitch, my fucking Jeep!

ESME: Language!

CARLISLE: *_stunned look* _What… is… going on!?

ESME: *_calmly* _Well, honey, if you got off your computer once in a while, you would know *_rages_* WHAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE FREAKING DOING!

EDWARD: …Mommy? Are you-

ESME: NOT NOW EDWARD!

_Edward looks completely distraught and whimpers. Bella attempts to comfort him._

CARLISLE: I'll make a note of that. Now someone PLEASE TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON!

ALICE: Emmett and Rosalie broke up and now he's dating Jasper. They got in a fight at school. They got suspended, she got detention.

CARLISLE. Oh, well that makes perfect… _*reality sinks in* _WHAT?!

JASPER: *_holding the sun hat down over his ears_* In my defense, I didn't DO anything!

ROSALIE: Oh, shut up! You're guilty by stupidity! *_points to Emmett*_

EMMETT: *_in her face_* …You vapid, cock-juggling, thunder-cunt BITCH! You destroyed my fucking car!

ROSALIE: What did you just call me?

EMMETT: You heard me, you miserable bitch. *_shoves her shoulder*_

ROSALIE: *_looks down at her shoulder* _Oh no you didn't.

EMMETT: Do what, this? _*childishly pushes her again_*

ESME: *_getting frustrated_* ENOUGH!

EMMETT: She… SHE TRASHED MY CAR!

ROSALIE: You deserved it!

EMMETT: What did I ever do to you?!

ROSALIE: You know what you did!

EMMETT: You dumped ME!

ESME: *_completely livid_* ENOUGH!! ALL OF YOU! GET IN THE KITCHEN! WE ARE HAVING AN EMERGENCY FAMILY MEETING!

ROSALIE: _*mutters* _Stupid asshole!

EMMETT: *_overcome with rage* _Stop calling me STUPID! *_puts his fist through the wall*_

ESME: NOW!

_Everyone is sitting around the table in the kitchen. Jasper is holding Emmett's hand, trying to keep him calm. _

ESME: Everybody needs to calm down right now.

EMMETT: Calm down? CALM DOWN!? I don't have a car anymore! Because that bitch killed it! How am I supposed to be calm when my vehicle is a pile of scrap metal on the floor!?

EDWARD: Can I take Bella out of here? Too much stress isn't good for the baby.

ESME: Fine. You two may leave.

CARLISLE: Rosalie, darling, why exactly did you feel the need to take a baseball bat to Emmett's vehicle?

JASPER: Yeah. That was really uncalled for.

ROSALIE: You shut up! …And what the HELL is on your head!?

EMMETT: Don't you yell at him!

ROSALIE: There you go defending your boyfriend again. God, you are such a fag!

EMMETT: Shut your whore mouth, you dirty cuntrag slore.

ROSALIE: Excuse me?

EMMETT: Yeah. It's a dialect of bitchcunt that I don't comprehend.

ROSALIE: I'm surprised you can comprehend anything at all.

EMMETT: Suck my dick.

ROSALIE: Been there, it was disgusting.

EMMETT: Not as disgusting as the hallway between your legs.

ESME: ENOUGH! If I hear ONE more dirty word or insult thrown at this table, the next person who DOES, is having their mouth washed out with soap!

JASPER: *_snickers* _Bleh.

CARLISLE: *_puts hand on Esme's arm_* Calm down, honey.

ALICE: *_who has been at the table the whole time just quietly taking in the insanity that is her family* _…I should have just gone shopping for shoes instead of coming home…

CARLISLE: This nonsense is going to stop. Now. Rosalie, I understand that you were upset. But what you did to Emmett's Jeep was completely uncalled for.

_Rosalie folds her arms and makes a face._

CARLISLE: And Emmett, I understand why _you're _upset. But there are better ways to handle situations than breaking things and name-calling. The two of you are blowing this break-up thing into epic proportions… Jasper, why are you wearing your mother's sun hat!?

JASPER: …Because I was weeding in the garden! It seemed appropriate at the time!

CARLISLE: Well that's… Good, then. Rosalie, I am to understand that you are the one who broke up with Emmett. You can not berate him for his decision to date… men. _*is trying not to laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole situation*_

EMMETT: *_trying to be the bigger person_* I'm sorry, Rose. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for getting you in all this trouble. Things weren't working out anyway, and you weren't exactly treating me very well.

ROSALIE: Yeah, well, you humiliated me in front of the whole school, by throwing yourself at HIM! You don't think it's embarrassing when your boyfriend leaves you for another BOY?! Especially when that boy is her twin brother!?

EMMETT: *_clunks his head on the table_* You… dumped… me!

ROSALIE: Well… Did you have to date him so fast! And IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL!?

EMMETT: It's not my fault he had to dress like that and look so damn hot!

JASPER: *_grins_* Hee.

ESME: This is _insane_.

CARLISLE: At least they're all talking it out.

ALICE: He's right. You gotta admit, Jasper was really pretty.

ROSALIE: How are you okay with all of this, Alice? He basically stole your boyfriend!

ALICE: I don't mind. I saw it coming. And besides, we've always been open with each other. I don't mind if he wants to try new things. And, seriously, it's cute!

CARLISLE: So, are we all going to come to a truce here?

ROSALIE: I guess.

JASPER: *_gives a thumbs up_*

EMMETT: Yeah, sure. But… what about my car? I don't have one now!

CARLISLE: Tomorrow, I'll take you to get a new one.

ROSALIE: Oh my god! He gets suspended and is rewarded with a new car!

CARLISLE: You destroyed the one he had! And don't think Emmett's off the hook for anything. He still has to fix the hole in my garage.

EMMETT: What hole? …Oh. Sorry, dad.

CARLISLE: Mhm. And you don't get to drive your car until your suspension is over.

EMMETT: Aw, come on!

ESME: *_gaping_* Wow, I am very surprised at your parenting skills Carlisle. I didn't know you could do anything besides "internet."

CARLISLE: NOW can I go back to my computer!?

ESME: Yes. Go. *_kisses him_*

*

_The next day, at the car lot… Carlisle is talking to a sales rep. Emmett and Jasper are walking around the lot looking at cars. _

JASPER: So, what do you want? Another Jeep, an SUV, a truck?

EMMETT: This one. *_points to a car_* I want this one.

_Jasper looks at the car Emmett is pointing at._

JASPER: Um… really?

EMMETT: Yes. This is going to be my new car. I love her. Her name is Sally.

_The car in question is a royal purple 2009 Volkswagen Beetle with a pink flower by the steering wheel._

CARLISLE: *_walks over with sales rep guy_* Have you decided?

EMMETT: *_points to VW_* It's mine. Sally is coming home with me.

CARLISLE: *_raises his brows* _You named it?

EMMETT: Isn't she pretty?

JASPER: *_whispers in Emmett's ear* _You know… This thing would be perfect for a hot box…

EMMETT: *_eyes widen_* I'll take it! Just name your price!

CARLISLE: Calm your jets, Emmett. We're going to pay the sale price, we're not going to barter.

SALES REP GUY: Oh… kay. Are you sure you don't want to look at our trucks first?

EMMETT: Nope! I love Sally. *_caresses the hood*_

JASPER: *_wraps arms around Emmett_* You are so kawaii.

EMMETT: What did you just call me?

JASPER: *_grins_* Hee.

SALES REP GUY: Okaaay. *_under breath_* Weirdest. Day. Ever.

CARLISLE: Alright. I'm going to go pay for your car. You boys can go take mine home.

EMMETT: *_pouts_* Aw! But…

CARLISLE: What did I tell you? You can't drive it until after your suspension!

JASPER: _*puts up his hand as if he's asking a question in class_* Um, what if _I_ drove it, and he rode shotgun? Technically, he's not driving, but he still gets to be in his car.

CARLISLE: *_chagrined_* Fine.

EMMETT: Woo! Thank yooouu. *_gives Jasper a peck*_

SALES REP GUY: *_makes sick face behind Carlisle* _Bleh.

*

**For those who care... Kawaii is Japanese for "cute". Thanks for reading, and remember, reviews are always appreciated.**


	9. Act Nine: Let It Derp

**DISCLAIMER: Still don't own Twilight. And for that, we are very glad.  
So chapter 9 is early, because we keep writing faster than we can post. And we want them out. And proud. Like Emmett. You'll see.**

**Anyway, enjoy:**

**-----------------**

ACT NINE: LET IT DERP

_Bella is in her room, on the phone with Jacob._

BELLA: You should have seen it, Jake. There were bits and pieces of Jeep everywhere.

JACOB: Wow, Bella. Your family has a lot of rage. What the hell are you marrying into? You know you could have had a simple, easy life with _me_.

BELLA: I'll keep that in mind.

JACOB: *_hopeful_* Really?

BELLA: No.

JACOB: Boo, you whore.

BELLA: Excuse me?

JACOB: I kid, I kid.

BELLA: You had better be.

JACOB: So what were they fighting over anyway?

BELLA: I don't really wanna talk about it.

JACOB: I'm surprised he owns a Jeep anyway. Shouldn't you guys be driving hearses and other stuff like that?

BELLA: We're not the Addams family, Jacob.

JACOB: *_to the tune of the Addams Family song_* The Cullen family started, when Edward Cullen farted, they all became retarded, the Cullen family, doo-doo-doo-doo *_snaps his fingers*_

BELLA: Very funny Jacob, you're a comedic genius.

JACOB: You really think so?

BELLA: No. I gotta go.

JACOB: Okay, Bells. Wait- Can I ask a quick question?

BELLA: You always do…

JACOB: When Emmett was all like, angry, was he all, "EMMETT MAD, EMMETT SMASH!"

BELLA: *_rolling her eyes_* _GOODBYE_, Jacob.

_As she's hanging up the phone, she hears Jacob ask, "Wait! Does he turn green?"_

_*_

_Downstairs in the living room… The girls and Edward are watching television._

ALICE: Wonder what kind of car Emmett's picking out.

ESME: I'm sure whatever he picks will be perfect for him.

ROSALIE: Pink Porsche… Barbie car…

EDWARD: You really think he's going to buy a Barbie car.

ALICE: *_sees a vision, puts hand over mouth_* oh my god! _*giggles*_

ROSALIE: You saw the car!

ALICE: *_giggles insanely* _

ESME: Say nothing, Alice, let it be a surprise.

ALICE: I'll say this much: It's not a pink Porsche…

_They hear a car pull into the driveway. Edward and Rosalie dash to the door to see what Emmett picked out._

ROSALIE: It's a-

EDWARD: …Purple bug?

ESME: *_putting her hand on her forehead* _Oh my goodness.

ALICE: It's so cute!

_They all go outside._

ROSALIE: Nice… car… Emmett.

EMMETT: Isn't she? Her name is Sally. I love her.

ROSALIE: *_looks disgusted and astonished at the same time*_

BELLA: *_who has just come outside* _What's… That?

JASPER: Emmett's new car.

ALICE: Isn't it cute?

EDWARD: _*confused_* Why did you name it?

EMMETT: Because she needed a name. I named my Jeep you know.

EDWARD: Oh really.

EMMETT: Yeah. Charlene.

EDWARD: Okay then…

BELLA: *_at a loss for words_* It's nice.

JASPER: *_mutters_* We're gonna hot box the hell outta this thing…

BELLA: *_glances sideways at him_* Jasper, do you even have your own car? I've never seen you with one.

JASPER: Yes I do.

BELLA: Where is it?

JASPER: In the garage. Covered.

BELLA: Why?

EDWARD: Because it's ridiculous!

BELLA: Umkay? What is it?

JASPER: It's a 1969 Dodge Charge-

EDWARD: YOU DRIVE THE GENERAL LEE. You drive a car with the Confederate flag on the roof!!

JASPER: Your point?

EDWARD: Your car is ridiculous!

JASPER: My car is confederate. And sexy.

BELLA: Does it have that ridiculous horn, as well?

JASPER: Don't be ridiculous, of course it does!

EMMETT: Whoa, whoa, whoa, back to _my _car!

ROSALIE: *_gawking through the window_* Your car has a flower.

EMMETT: Your point? It's prettier than you.

ESME: Oh, no… Let's not go through this _again_!

ROSALIE: Your car is _purple_. Funny, that.

EMMETT: You're a _bitch_. Funny, that.

ESME: Enough! Keep it up, and I'm taking away your car keys.

ROSALIE: *_smug_* Hah!

ESME: Yours too, missy.

ROSALIE: Oh my god… _Fine_.

ALICE: Can we go for a drive now? Can we go to the mall? Can we go get shoes!?

ESME: Not until his suspension is over. He can't drive his car until then.

EMMETT: Awwwwww.

JASPER: *_waving one hand in the air frantically* _Ooh! Pick me, pick me!

ESME: Yes, you with the sun hat. Why are you still wearing my sun hat!?

JASPER: It makes me feel pretty!

ROSALIE: Oh, lord…

ESME: Anyway… You wanted to say something?

JASPER: I can drive! That way we can go, but he's not driving! I said the same thing to dad, he went for it.

ESME: Of course _he_ did.

ALICE: So can we!? Maybe I can drive it!

EMMETT: No! I don't want everyone else driving my car except me! Besides, you might get distracted by a shoe billboard and crash it into a wall!

ALICE: Ah! Are you saying I'm obsessed with shoes?

EVERYONE IN UNISON: YES.

ALICE: *_folds her arms, pouts_* Way to gang up on me…

ROSALIE: Can I ask just one more question about your car, Emmett?

EMMETT: *_looks warily at her_* …What?

ROSALIE: How did you go from the big man-Jeep to this girly looking thing?

JASPER: You be nice to Sally!

ROSALIE: How am I supposed to take you seriously when you're wearing that sun hat?

JASPER: *_stands erect with his hands behind his back_* Because I'm confederate.

EMMETT: And sexy.

EDWARD: …And sickening.

*

_Three days later, Emmett and Jasper's suspension having been lifted, Emmett pulls into the parking lot in "Sally", blasting Let It Rock by Kevin Rudolf._

_Because when I arrive  
I, I bring the fire  
Make you come alive  
I can take you higher  
What is this, forgot?  
I must now remind you  
Let It Rock  
Let It Rock  
Let It Rock_

ANGELA: Oh. My. God.

MIKE: *_looking at the license plate, which reads Sally1_* Who's Sally?

ERIC: Who cares?

TYLER: Yeah, who cares. Those Cullens are freaks. _*looks like he's about to vomit into a garbage bin*_

JESSICA: Looks like _someone's_ out and proud.

JASPER: *_in the car_* Everyone's looking.

EMMETT: They're just jealous. Cuz they're not in their hot V-Dub with their hot boyfriend.

JASPER: And their pink fuzzy dice and pink heart air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror?

EMMETT: Too much? *_removes the dice, leaves the heart*_

JASPER: *_smirks* You're _too much.

EMMETT: But you love it.

JASPER: I do.

EDWARD: *_pulls in beside Emmett, and everyone gets out of their respective vehicles_* I can't believe you drove that thing to school. In public.

EMMETT: How else am I supposed to get to school? I can't drive it in private!

EDWARD: You're impossible! Let's go, Bella.

JASPER: *_under his breath_* And Booberella was all like, derp derp derp.

EMMETT: Booberella? Where the heck did you get that from?

JASPER: Dad.

EMMETT: Where did _he _get it?

JASPER: You've got to be kidding me. Dad. The internet addict.

EMMETT: Right. But seriously, _Booberella_? What was he looking at, porn?

JASPER: If he was… I don't wanna know.

EMMETT: *_looks confused_* What's 'derp'?

*

_The bell rings and everyone goes to their first period class. Edward's is Home Ec. He walks into class and takes his seat._

MRS. FISKE: Alright class, partner up. Today we're going to make bundt cake. With a lemon glaze.

_The entire class pairs up before Edward has a chance. The only person left for him to pair up with… Is Jessica._

JESSICA: So, we're like, partners.

EDWARD: Yes. *_under breath_* I'll just have to endure it.

JESSICA: So, like, we're supposed to decide whether we want chocolate or vanilla. I want vanilla.

EDWARD: I don't care- I mean, sure, sounds good.

JESSICA: Like, your brothers are gay huh? Are they like, together, together?

EDWARD: …I guess. What gave it away? Was it the purple car, the cross dressing, or the TWO GUYS MAKING OUT?

JESSICA: *_not even paying attention_* So was like, Rosalie super pissed? And like, what about Alice? She must have been pretty pissed too.

EDWARD: Here. You mix the ingredients.

JESSICA: Don't you find it kind of weird, that like, your brothers are dating? Like, isn't that illegal in some states? And you know what is even more weird? Like, Emmett was dating Rosalie, and now like, he's like, dating her brother.

EDWARD: Can you _just _mix the ingredients?

JESSICA: No, like, don't you find it the least bit weird? I mean, like, who pitches and who catch-

EDWARD: I DON'T CARE! WILL YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT UP AND MIX THE FUCKING INGREDIENTS!?

MRS. FISKE: MISTER Cullen!

EDWARD: WHAT?!

MRS FISKE: If you continue this behaviour I will send you to the principal's office!

EDWARD: *_exasperated sigh_* Sorry.

JESSICA: *_scoff_* Wow. I can't believe THE Edward Cullen almost got sent to the principal's office. I can't wait to tell Angela about this.

_Edward starts throwing ingredients into a bowl, he mixes it, and pours the mixture into the bundt pan. He then proceeds to toss the bundt pan into the oven. Jessica quietly makes the glazed. Thirty-five minutes later…_

MRS. FISKE: Well… *_is looking at a lop-sided circular cake* _It's a good effort, and it probably tastes just fine. And I'm sure once you put the glaze on, it will look okay.

JESSICA: *_looks at Edward_* How did our cake come out lop-sided when it was in a molded pan?

EDWARD: *_mutters* _I'm gonna put you in a pan…

_*_

_Later, at lunch, the Cullens are sitting around their table, staring at Edward's lop-sided cake. The glaze on top looks like something resembling dried paper mâché._

EMMETT: …What is it?

EDWARD: It's a bundt cake.

JASPER: No. *_pokes it* _It's a rock cake.

EMMETT: You're not planning on giving that to Bella, are you? And what are you gonna say? "I made you a bundt cake, but I fucked it up."?

JASPER: I'm pretty sure that if she bit into it she'd break her teeth. *_pokes at it again* _Thing's harder than our skin.

EMMETT: And why did you put glue on it?

EDWARD: It's GLAZE!

JASPER: Well did you put glue in it?

EDWARD: _*annoyed_* Yes, Jasper. I put glue in it. Lemon flavoured glue.

JASPER: …Where the hell did you get lemon flavoured glue?

EDWARD: *_deadpans_* In a faraway land where they wear hats on their hands, and hamburgers eat people, Jasper.

_The entire table bursts out in laughter. _

_*_

**Thanks for reading! and don't forget, if you leave a review, Jasper will sing you songs about the Confederacy. ^_^ ...And if you don't... You'll have to eat that bundt cake.**


	10. Act Ten: Hey, Needz Moar Jacksper

**DISCLAIMER: I, queenbellaloca, and she, candyappleblack, solemnly declare that we still do not own Twilight.**

**Thanks for all the lovely reviews, guys! It means a lot to us both. *big group Esme-type hug* Squeeee!**

**So we decided to compile a soundtrack for the first ten chapters for shits and giggles. It was fun. Here is what we came up with:**

**Ch. 1 - Shoes - Liam Kyle Sullivan  
Ch. 2 - Because I got High - Afroman  
Ch. 3 - NDN Kars - Keith Secola  
Ch. 4 - Androgyny - Garbage  
Ch. 4 - Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go) - Garbage  
Ch. 5 - Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana  
Ch. 6 - Apologize - OneRepublic  
Ch. 6 - I Kissed A Boy - Cobra Starship  
Ch. 7 - Hollaback Boy - Cobra Starship  
Ch. 8 - What Don't You Fucking Understand - Christian Bale  
Ch. 9 - Let It Rock - Kevin Rudolph ft. Lil Wayne  
Ch. 10 - I Can't Stop Talking - NoMeansNo**

**Okay. Also. We've decided to throw in an original character. It still won't let us post a link, so just google "Thomas - Smoke Signals" and you'll see what he's based on. It's the first picture that comes up when you click images. Also, he tells a story in this chapter. This is also the same story the character we based him on tells in the movie. There, we gave credit. Don't sue. We're broke ass anyway. All we have is fry bread.**

**And go:**

**-------**

ACT TEN: HEY, NEEDZ MOAR JACKSPER

_It is after school. Upstairs, in Emmett's room, which is now sparkling clean much to Emmett's chagrin, Emmett and Jasper are sitting on the bed._

JASPER: Your room is so tidy, Emmett.

EMMETT: I know. It's disgusting.

JASPER: Seriously? You miss the laundry and junk everywhere and the boxers on the lamp shade?

EMMETT: YES! Those boxers have been there for-

JASPER: SERIOUSLY!?

EMMETT: *_pouting_* It was my mess, and I loved it. And besides, now I don't know where anything is.

JASPER: *_shakes his head* _My god.

EMMETT: What?

JASPER: We have to break in your car.

EMMETT: *_eyebrows perk up_* Really? I like the way you think… *_puts a hand on jasper's thigh*_

JASPER: What? No! *_swats him away*_

EMMETT: *_confused_* what you do mean, "no"?!

JASPER: Well, yes. But that's not what I'm talking about right now.

EMMETT: Well if we're not going to have sexy times in my car, then what _are _you talking about?

JASPER: We need to hot box it, man!

EMMETT: I like the way you think! But… dude. We ran outta weed.

JASPER: I guess we're going to La Push!

EMMETT: I guess so!

*

_The two boys are walking through the Quileute forest, joking around. _

JASPER: Why do you look so nervous walking out here? Do you think something is gonna come out and bite you? Or give you fleas?

EMMETT: I just don't like comin' out here, man. I just broke my one hundred and second treaty!

JASPER: You broke a stick! A stick is not a treaty!

EMMETT: *_picks up a stick_* Alright, you primitive screw heads, listen up! You see this? This… Is my TREATY STICK!

_They suddenly hear a voice coming from behind the trees. "There's no such thing as a treaty stick!"_

EMMETT: What was that? Did you hear that, Jasper?

JASPER: _*is suddenly clinging onto Emmett's arm, as tight as possible_* Yes.

EMMETT: *_looks over at his arm_* …When did I grow a Jasper?

JASPER: Just now.

EMMETT: …I'll protect you, lady… fair…?

JASPER: *_in Jasmine voice_* My hero!

_The voice in question materializes from behind the trees. It is a scrawny native guy, with two long braids, huge coke bottle glasses, and a weird suit jacket that appears to be two sizes too big, and is sporting the biggest and most awkward smile you've ever seen. He looks somewhere to be in his early to mid-twenties._

JASPER: _*whispers to Emmett* …_What is it?

EMMETT: One of the natives, genius.

JASPER: …Are you sure? I've never seen one that looks quite like that…

EMMETT: Um… Hi. We're looking for Sam Uley, do you know where we can find him?

THOMAS ULEY: Oh, sure I do! Sam's my brother, eh. I'm Thomas Uley.

EMMETT: I'm Emmett. The uh… Cute growth on my arm is Jasper. *_Jasper still has a death grip on his arm*_

THOMAS: Hey, Jasper!

JASPER: *_gawks at him strangely, eyes bulging* _It's a… pleasure to meet you.

THOMAS: Hey, Jasper! Do you like fry bread?

JASPER: I don't- Yes.

EMMETT: You do?

JASPER: Back in the confederacy…

EMMETT: Ah.

THOMAS: My mom makes the best fry bread in the whole world, eh. It's so good they use it for communion back on da rez. They made this Jesus fry bread. This fry bread can walk across water-

JASPER: Whatever this guy's on, I want some.

THOMAS: Fry bread risin' from the dead-

JASPER: Okay, maybe not.

EMMETT: _*to Thomas* _Is that true?

THOMAS: Way back when, we were havin' a feast on our reservation. A good ol' feast. We didn't have a whole lot of food. Just a little bit o' deer meat, a huge vat of mashed potatoes-

EMMETT: *_mutters_* This guy really likes to talk…

JASPER: Bleh. Mashed potatoes.

THOMAS: Some Pepsi, and _fry bread. _But the fry bread made all the difference in the world. You see, a good piece of fry bread turned any meal into a feast. Everybody sat at the table, waitin' for the cooks to come out with the fry bread-

EMMETT: This is a really great story, but we would really like to see Sa-

THOMAS: But they waited, and they waited… But you see there was a hundred Indians at that feast, and only fifty pieces of fry bread! My mom kept tryin' to figure out what to do! I mean, it was her magical fry bread that everybody wanted-

JASPER: He's like the thing that wouldn't shut up. I am so not high enough for this.

THOMAS: But my mom knew what to do. You see, my mom's fry bread was magic. My mom was magic-

JASPER: Seriously! What is this guy _on_!

EMMETT: I thought the only one that thought their mother was magic was Edward.

THOMAS: She knew how to feed a hundred Indians with only fifty pieces of fry bread! She went up to talk to the people. "Listen!" she said. "There are a hundred Indians here and only fifty pieces of fry bread!"-

JASPER: …I'm gonna eat him.

EMMETT: I wonder if he tastes like fry bread.

THOMAS: Everybody was mad, there was gonna be a fry bread riot for sure! But my mom said, "But! I have a way to feed you all!" She took a piece of fry bread, and she held it over her head, and she ripped it in half!

EMMETT: Is that actually true?

_From a distance…_

SAM: No it's not true! Thomas, you're so fulla shit!

THOMAS: Oh, hey, Sam! Hey, Sam! This here is Emmett, and this here is Jasper. They were lookin' for ya!

SAM: …Hi. So ya met my brother.

EMMETT: _*unimpressed* _Yeah. Uh… You can let go now, Jasper.

JASPER: But I like it here.

EMMETT: What, are you gonna live on my arm?

JASPER: Yes! I'm already mapping out where I'm gonna put the bedroom!

EMMETT: *_deadpan* _…On my arm.

JASPER: Some may call it small, I call it cozy. No really, it's quite quaint.

EMMETT: Oh yeah?

JASPER: Yes. We even have a tea room.

EMMETT: Oh yeah? And where's that?

JASPER: *_points_* Right in there.

EMMETT: In my armpit?

JASPER: Yeah-huh.

EMMETT: Oh-KAY. So!

_Sam is standing there in complete disbelief and Thomas is still sporting a wide grin._

THOMAS: Hey, Sam! I like your friends. They're funny, innit.

SAM: Yeah. Sure. So are we gonna talk business, leech?

EMMETT: Yeah. Same as last time.

SAM: I think I can help you with that. Hey, Thomas. Can you go back home and tell mom I'll be back in about fifteen minutes, eh?

THOMAS: Okay. Hey, Sam!

SAM: *_impatient_* What, Thomas…

THOMAS: I like your friends! They're pretty funny, innit! We should invite them back to da rez for some fry bread! Because our mom makes the best fry bread in the whole w-

SAM: GO, THOMAS.

JASPER: I'm gonna eat him.

_Sam gives him a look._

EMMETT: He's kidding. So about this deal.

_The deal goes down… Emmett and Jasper head off into the woods. Sam is standing there counting the bills. He is interrupted by…_

THOMAS: Hey, Sam! Look who I found!

_Thomas has come back with Jared and Jacob in tow._

JARED: Sam! *_eyes widen at the sight of the cash wad in Sam's hands_* Where'dja git dat den?

SAM: Don't matter.

JACOB: What did you do, rob a bank?

SAM: No!

JACOB: Then where did you get the giant wad of cash? *_glances up for a second, sees the two Cullens amongst the trees* _Are those CULLENS? *_starts to charge forward*_

SAM: *_jumps in front of him, pushes his chest back* _Whoa, chillax, Jake.

JACOB: They're on our land! You know, _the Cullen's don't come here!_

SAM: They came here to see me. And now they're leavin'. Get over it.

JACOB: Why would they wanna see you?

SAM: *_exasperated sigh_* They wanted to buy.

JACOB: Buy what?

SAM: Dreamcatchers. _WEED_, You idjit!

JACOB: You're selling drugs?

SAM: Yeah. I do that from time to time. Google it.

JARED: But we don't have internet on the rez.

SAM: Shut up.

THOMAS: _*squinting and raising a hand to his brow* _What are they doin' over there anyway? It looks like they're dancing or something', innit?

_Pan to the Cullens…_

JASPER: Oh, Robin Hood, you're so brave! *_clasps hands together*_

EMMETT: Can I be rewarded with a kiss, Maid Marian?

JASPER: Only if you catch me first!

_They run around for a few minutes until Emmett catches him and shoves him against a tree._

EMMETT: I guess I caught you.

JASPER: I guess you get your kiss.

_Emmett leans in and begins to kiss Jasper. In the distance, the Quileute boys are observing the scene, gaping in horror._

JARED: The Cullens are freaks.

SAM: You got that right.

JACOB: Ew. What are you marrying into, Bella?

THOMAS: Hey, Sam! Why are they kissin' each other? They're both boys!

SAM: Jeeeeez. Get back to da rez. Alla ya's. Just go.

JACOB: *_questioning self_* What's more disturbing: That over there, or the drug dealer over here?

THOMAS: Hey, Jacob!

_Jacob pinches between his eyes, and dies a little inside._

_*_

**Thanks for reading! Here's the deal: You leave us a review, we'll give you a piece of fry bread. Sounds pretty sweet, innit?**


	11. Act Eleven: Bleh

**Disclaimer: Twilight. Not ours. Blah, blah, blah.**

**-----------**

ACT ELEVEN: BLEH

_The next day, at school, Emmett and Jasper are parked behind the gym, away from prying eyes. "Sally" has been hot boxed._

JASPER: This was such a good idea… *_takes toke, passes it to Emmett*_

EMMETT: *_takes a hit_* So, can we break in my car the _other _way now, too, please?

JASPER: What, now? We're at school!

EMMETT: Not now? Okay… How about now? _*excited look in eyes*_

JASPER: *_laughs_* No!

EMMETT: Why am I always being cockblocked? *_crosses arms, pouts_*

JASPER: *_ponders for a moment_* You know, I have been told I am quite skilled in the art of fellatio.

EMMETT: Fella-what-oh? *_has epiphany_* Oh. OH! OHHH! Heh.

JASPER: *_smirks_* So are you going to accept my offer?

EMMETT: *_looks at Jasper as if he's mental* _Duh!

*

_It is Carlisle's day off at work. Esme is hoping for a nice, relaxing day with her husband. But instead, Carlisle is having a nice, relaxing day with his computer. He is currently playing The Sims 2._

CARLISLE: …What kind of vampires _are _these? They don't even sparkle! And seriously, the day I actually meet a vampire and he goes, "Blehhh, blehhhh!", I am going to slap him!

ESME: …Would you please get off the computer? I was hoping we could spend _some _quality time together today…

CARLISLE: *_spins around in his chair_* Can I ask you something?

ESME: Hmm?

CARLISLE: Does this turn you on? *_waves his hands at her like a sim* _Blehhh, blehhh!

ESME: *_dumbstruck_* …No.

CARLISLE: Well apparently the vampires in this game seem to think it's "cool." *_spins his chair back to face the computer*_

ESME: Well… That's… Nice. Carlisle, will you _please _get off your computer?

CARLISLE: But I just downloaded a bunch of custom content, I need to try it out!

_Esme, having quite enough of this nonsense, walks over to the computer cord. She sticks her foot under it and pulls it out of the wall. Carlisle is startled by the sudden black that is appearing on his screen. He swivels his chair around to see Esme standing there, cord in hand, with a satisfied look on her face. _

CARLISLE: Are you MAD, woman?!

ESME: Mhm! Quite, actually.

CARLISLE: …We're not talking about the same kind of mad, are we?

ESME: *_shakes head_* Nope.

CARLISLE: Oh shit. I've been pwned.

ESME: The game. You just lost it.

*

_Back at school, in the cafeteria, Emmett & Jasper have just entered hand in hand._

MIKE: Who knew, Rosalie, you da gay maker! How you likin' da gay, gurl?!

ROSALIE: Excuse me?

MIKE: You da last stop on the train to Gayville!

ROSALIE: _*gasps in astonishment*_

MIKE: Just sprinkle on a little Rosalie, and _hello_!

EMMETT: _*having a moment of kindness_* Oh, just… shut up!

MIKE: It's true! She turned you gay!

EMMETT: She didn't turn me gay. You can't be _turned _gay, you just _are _gay! You know, I see you eyeing her all the time. If you think you have a chance with her now, you're a dip shit.

ROSALIE: *_astounded_* Wow. You're defending me.

EMMETT: Yeah, well. I'm in a good mood today.

MIKE: Yeah, well, if you chose a guy over her, then there must be something wrong with her.

EMMETT: I like dick. There's nothing wrong with her, except she has no dick. You dick!

JASPER: *_smacks his lips_* My mouth tastes like dick. And weed. Dickweed!

EDWARD: *_baffled and disgusted* _What!?

JASPER: *_nonchalantly_* Oh, nothing…

*

_After school, everyone's at home. Bella is eating the dinner that Esme cooked for her, and Jasper is watching her eat the dinner Esme cooked for her._

BELLA: …What?

JASPER: What does that taste like?

BELLA: …Spaghetti? And meatballs?

JASPER: *_pokes one of the meatballs with a finger_* It's very… Meatbally.

BELLA: Do you wanna try a piece?

JASPER: Uhh…

BELLA: *_takes a piece with her fork, holds it out_*

JASPER: *_takes it off the fork, examines it as though it's an alien species, pops it in his mouth* _Bleh! _*spits it on the table* _That was just…. Blehhhh!

_Carlisle, who is fuming the whole time, reaches across the table and slaps him across the face._

JASPER: *_shocked_* What was that for?! I didn't even do anything!

CARLISLE: You said 'blehh!'

JASPER: So!?

CARLISLE: It's… Never mind. Sorry.

EMMETT: Are you okay?

CARLISLE: No. Your mother decided it would be fun to unplug the computer. While I was on it.

ESME: *_arms folded across her chest_* I'd had enough. That machine shouldn't be your entire world.

CARLISLE: It's not!

ESME: How many children do you have, Carlisle?

CARLISLE: Uhh… Four?

ESME: Try again, Carlisle…

CARLISLE: Five, then. *_counts on fingers_* Emmett, Jasper, Rosalie, Alice, Bella… That's five!

ESME: EDWARD! You forgot EDWARD!

EMMETT: *_snickers_* You forgot Edward!

BELLA: *_laughs quietly to herself_*

JASPER: Is it because he's bleh?

CARLISLE: *_glares at Jasper_* If I hear that word _one _more time…

JASPER: What, bleh? Bleh, bleh, bleh. *_waves hands like sim* _Blehhhhh, blehhhhh!

_Carlisle, having had enough, takes a meatball off Bella's plate, and throws it at Jasper. It hits him square between the eyes._

BELLA: Will you guys stop playing with my food, please!? I need to eat, you know! It's not just for you to play with and throw around!

JASPER: *_distraught_* I got a meatball in my _face_!

EMMETT: *_gets cloth, starts wiping meatball off Jasper's face_* Aww, poor baby!

JASPER: *_pouts_* Now I smell like… *_defiantly_* BLEHH.

ESME: *_shakes her head, leaves the room_* Seven. I am a single mother of seven children…

*

_Upstairs, in Alice's room… She is on the floor literally neck-deep in shoes. Rosalie opens her door, and sees Alice drowning in shoes._

ROSALIE: What are you doing, why are you swimming in your shoes?

ALICE: I'm organizing them.

ROSALIE: It's a good thing you're immortal, because that's going to take forever.

ALICE: Wanna help?

ROSALIE: What exactly are you planning to do? Organize them? Get rid of them?

ALICE: *_dismayed_* Get rid of my shoes? Are you MAD, woman!?

ROSALIE: Do you even _wear _them all?

ALICE: *_indignantly_* Yes.

ROSALIE: Even these? *_holds up pair of shoes that look like they belong to a five year old*_

ALICE: They were mine when I was little!

ROSALIE: You kept a pair of shoes for _that _long!

ALICE: They're special! They're my first pair of dress shoes!

ROSALIE: Wh… Whatever. _*sits with her* _Sorting shoes with you has got to be better than watching dad throw meatballs at Jasper.

ALICE: *_gawks at her_* Did you say _dad_? What was he doing away from the computer?

ROSALIE: Mom unplugged it on him.

ALICE: Sounds like our family is bonding quite nicely.

ROSALIE: The only thing that did any bonding was the meatball that hit Jasper in the face!

ALICE: It must have been horrible for him. He has such a distaste for human food.

ROSALIE: I believe the official term is 'bleh.'

ALICE: *_smiles_* 'Bleh.' How cute.

*

_Carlisle is trying to make it up to Esme by taking her out for the evening. Edward is in the living room reading, Bella is still in the kitchen attempting to eat dessert. It is a bundt cake. The bundt cake Edward brought home from school. Emmett and Jasper are doing Bella's dishes. Jasper is washing, Emmett is drying. Emmett winds up a towel and cracks Jasper on the ass. Bella chokes on her cake in laughter._

JASPER: _*gasps, puts hand over mouth* _How _dare _you! *_scoops up soap bubbles from sink and smooshes them on Emmett's face*_

EMMETT: Oh no you didn't!

JASPER: _*pulls out retractable faucet from the sink and holds it out at Emmett like a gun* _Don't come any closer! I'll shoot you!

_From the living room…_

EDWARD: You might want to refrain from spraying water in the house. Esme wouldn't appreciate it too much.

JASPER: *_rolls eyes_* Fine. Spoil sport. *_puts the faucet back, sees something floating in the sink* _Eeewww. _*is holding a very long piece of wet spaghetti* _It's so blehhh. _*wiggles it around a little* _How does she eat this crap?

BELLA: Uhh, guys? I'm still here, you know.

JASPER: *_startled, spins around, loses grip of the noodle*_

EMMETT: *_starts laughing* _That's a nice look for you.

_Bella is standing there with a spaghetti noodle draped down her face. Edward enters the room._

EDWARD: *_snickers_* You have a noodle on your face.

BELLA: That's very observant of you, Edward.

EMMETT: *_notices the cake on the table_* Is that the cake you made in Home Ec? You actually gave it to her to eat?

JASPER: *_points accusingly_* You're a monster!

BELLA: *_mumbles to herself_* Maybe a quiet, simple life wouldn't be so bad…

*

**Thanks for reading! Please review or we'll throw a meatball at your head!**


	12. Act Twelve: Detachable Penis

**DISCLAIMER: blah blah blah. Twilight. Dnw. Me and LadyEmjazz AKA CandyAppleBlack own nothing. **

**Warning: This chapter is redonkward. Jasper gets his own scene! Hope you like.. er, umm.. penis? Yeah, you have fun with that, kay bye.**

**-----**

ACT TWELVE: DETACHABLE PENIS

_Bella is on the phone, yet again, with Jacob. Do these people ever even see each other?_

BELLA: You should have seen it Jake, I had a noodle on my face.

JACOB: Do I even wanna know why you had a noodle on your face?

BELLA: Well one person got whipped, one got shot at, and I'm the lucky loser who got the noodle on her face.

JACOB: …Uh.

BELLA: Well, okay, to be fair, Jasper was hit in the face with a meatball earlier, but seriously!

JACOB: I don't think there's anything serious about your family except that they have a serious _problem_. You are the only person who eats and yet a full fledged food fight erupted?

BELLA: I don't think Carlisle throwing a meatball at Jasper's face constitutes as a food fight.

JACOB: Isn't that man supposed to be a doctor?

BELLA: …Essentially.

JACOB: You know, Bella, you could've had a real nice simple life with me. We could have nice little house on the beach front on the rez, and have a couple of pups-

BELLA: Pups? Let me think about that- NO.

JACOB: Seriously, you'd rather live in that mess, and have doorknob junior?

BELLA: Okay. It's one thing to insult Edward, but please don't insult my unborn child.

JACOB: *_mopey_* Alright. I'm sorry. Oh, I saw some of your family members on my land the other day.

BELLA: Which family members? And what were they doing over there?

JACOB: The big dopey looking one, and the little girly looking one with the blonde hair.

BELLA: Oh… great.

JACOB: Yeah. They were buying from my buddy.

BELLA: Buying what?

JACOB: Dreamcatchers. WEED, Bella!

BELLA: Oh?

JACOB: And that's not the weirdest part.

BELLA: Oh… no.

JACOB: They were making out. With… Each other.

BELLA: Uh huh. They're together. They do that.

JACOB: You _know_!? And you're… _Okay _with it?!

BELLA: Yeah.

JACOB: You belong in that family then, you're just as warped as the rest of them!

BELLA: *_sigh_* I gotta go, Jake.

JACOB: Don't get me wrong, I still love ya, Bells, but, jeeeeez.

BELLA: Same here. Now I gotta go.

JACOB: Alright, Bells. See you later. *_pauses_* Aren't you going to hang up?

BELLA: I'm waiting for your question.

JACOB: I don't actually have a question today. Guess it's just your lucky day!

BELLA: *_relieved_* Guess so. Bye Jacob.

*

_The next day, in Jasper's science class, the regularly scheduled teacher is absent. A substitute teacher has taken place._

SUBSTITUTE: Alright class, since your teacher isn't here today, we are going to watch a video called "Evolution and the Platypus."

_Jasper groans, and slumps back in his chair. The movie starts, there's some guy on the screen talking. Jasper is finding it extremely boring. He takes a pencil out of his pencil case with an eraser shaped like a penis and he starts moving it back and forth in his mouth. The kid sitting beside him mutters, "fuckin' weird kid…" and slowly starts scooting his chair farther away from Jasper_. _The guy on the screen has been talking for at least fifteen minutes. Jasper gets fed up, and rips the eraser-penis off his pencil and whips it at the television. It bounces off the screen, and lands on Mike Newton's notebook. Jasper gets up and walks up to Mike's desk with his hands behind his back, all confederate like._

JASPER: *_in serious tone* _Excuse me. Can I have my penis back, please?

MIKE: *_is trying to figure out how to pick it up without having to actually touch it_* Just take it. _*pushes it towards Jasper, using his notebook*_

_Jasper takes it and sits back down in his seat. He resumes playing with it, tapping it on his lips, much to the chagrin of the kid beside him, who is still thinking "Fucking weird kid." and is now dangerously close to the wall. After about another ten minutes, we actually get to see the platypus._

JASPER: _*drops pencil* _It's cute!

KID BESIDE HIM: *_mutters_* Fuckin' weird kid.

JASPER: *_turns to look at him, picks up the penis pencil and pokes him in the chest with it, resumes watching the film*_

*

_At lunch…_

_Jasper walks gleefully up to Emmett._

JASPER: *_puts arms around Emmett's waist_* I want a platypus.

EMMETT: …What?

JASPER: A platypus. I want one.

EMMETT: Well… Like, a stuffed toy?

JASPER: Well, yes, but no. I want a _real _one.

EMMETT: *_still a little confused_* I… don't think… you can… get them… as pets…?

JASPER: *_makes begging hands, puppy dog eyes, and pouty lips* _But… I _want _one! I _love _them!

EMMETT: *_conflicted_* Don't get me wrong, baby, I'd love to get you one, but I don't think that it's like, possible.

EDWARD: Or legal… This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. A platypus. Really, Jasper?

JASPER: Go away. This doesn't concern you, footface.

EDWARD: A fucking platypus!

JASPER: Don't make me throw my penis at you.

EDWARD: What?

JASPER: I'll do it. I already whipped it at the TV. And then Newton tried to touch it. And then I poked the guy beside me with it.

EMMETT: *_confused_* What were you doing whipping your penis out in class?

JASPER: …I thought it would be fun.

EMMETT: You can't whip it out in class, it's mine!

JASPER: No, it's mine!

EMMETT: No, it's _mine_!

JASPER: It's mine! And it's this big! *_holds up pinky*_

EMMETT: No it's not!

JASPER: Yes it is! And it's blue!

EMMETT: No it's _not_! I would know!

JASPER: How would you know? You've never even seen it!

EMMETT: I saw it last night!

JASPER: No you didn't! I just got it today!

EMMETT: *_really confused* _What are you talking about!?

JASPER: What are _YOU _talking about?!

ROSALIE: It's sick for me to say this, but I actually want to know what they're talking about.

EDWARD: *_looking sick_* …I don't.

BELLA: I regret the decision I made to eat today. And I'm suddenly heavily considering puppies.

EDWARD: What is _WRONG_ with my _FAMILY_!

ALICE: *_cheerfully_* I love my family!

JASPER: Do you want me to show you? Do you want to see my penis? I will whip it out for you right now!

EMMETT: Right here? Are you CRAZY!?

EDWARD: NO!

ROSALIE: I think I'm going to be sick…

ALICE: *_has vision_* Oh my god… *_in utter disbelief*_

BELLA: *_mumbling to herself_* Puppies. Should have gone for puppies…

JASPER: *_reaches into pocket*_

EMMETT: Don't! *_accidentally grabs Jasper's package*_

JASPER: *_eyes widen, looks down at Emmett's hand, looks back up at Emmett* _What are you doing?!

EMMETT: Uh… _*his hand is still there*_

JASPER: As much as I enjoy it when your hand is… there… Could you please remove your hand?

EMMETT: Uh… *_removes his hand*_

JASPER: Now where was I… Oh yeah! I was showing you guys my penis! _*reaches into pocket and pulls out the penis pencil* _

ROSALIE: What the hell is that?

JASPER: My penis!

EMMETT: *_slams elbow down on table, presses fingers between his eyes, his brow furrows* _Awkkkwarrrd…

JASPER: *_to Emmett_* What did you think I was talking about? You wouldn't think I would actually whip my penis out in class, would you? And let Mike Newton, of all people, touch it!

EMMETT: I'd like to hope not!

EDWARD: Be right back, Volterra…

*

**Thanks for reading. If you review, Jasper will show you his penis! LOL**


	13. Act Thirteen: Here Come The Delinquents

**DISCLAIMER: We still don't own Twilight. Kthxbai.**

**----**

ACT THIRTEEN: HERE COME THE DELINQUENTS

_It's a Friday night. Everyone is at home. Carlisle is on the computer as per usual, the girls are in the living room watching the Sex And The City movie, and Edward and Esme are making potpourri. Emmett and Jasper are bored. B-O-R-E-D. BORED._

JASPER: You're the gay one, but Edward's doing potpourri. How does that work?

EMMETT: I'm gay, Jasper. I'm not a pansy.

JASPER: *_snickers_* So… What do you wanna do?

EMMETT: I dunno. What do you wanna do?

JASPER: I don't know… Let's go for a walk.

EMMETT: *_is mocking him_* Okay, let's for a moonlit walk on the beach, it'll be so romantic!

JASPER: Not what I had in mind, but okay.

EMMETT: And then we can have sexy times and get sand in our underwear!

JASPER: *_looks at him_* I hope you're not serious!

EMMETT: Of course I'm not! There are a lot of places I want to have sex with you but La Push beach is not one of them!

JASPER: *_feigns hurt_* And why not!?

EMMETT: *_laughs_* Shut up!

JASPER: Is it because it's La Push, and the Cullens don't CUM there?

EMMETT: *_shakes his head, laughing_* You're nuts. Come on, let's go. *_calls out_* We're leaving!

ESME: *_calling back_* Alright boys, don't be out too late. Be good!

JASPER: *_to self_* We're always good.

EMMETT: We are?

*

_Somewhere, gallivanting around town… Emmett and Jasper are attending the shenanigans. Which shenanigans? Who knows!_

EMMETT: Wow. This town is so dead.

JASPER: The party's probably at La Push.

EMMETT: Party? What party?

JASPER: Everyone's probably all passed out on some guy's lawn on the rez.

EMMETT: Why are you looking for a party?

JASPER: I'm not. I'm just saying. That's Forks' idea of a party.

EMMETT: That's sad. So, do you actually have a plan or are we just walking for the good of our health?

JASPER: What health? And yes, actually, I do.

EMMETT: Oh, no.

JASPER: Oh yes!

EMMETT: Let me guess, trust you?

JASPER: Precisely!

_They walk a short way down the street until they stop short in front of a house._

EMMETT: Um. Nice house? Why are we here…?

_They are standing in front of an abandoned house. It has boarded up windows, and looks pretty worse for wear._

JASPER: I heard it was haunted. I want to go in.

EMMETT: There's no such thing as ghosts, Jasper.

JASPER: *_stares blankly_* So going by your logic, we shouldn't exist.

EMMETT: *_pinches Jasper's arm_* You exist!

JASPER: Oww! Of course I do! Ow! You dick!

EMMETT: *_thinks for a second_* But ghosts don't! You can't pinch a ghost!

JASPER: *in disbelief* What the hell, man!?

EMMETT: *_folds arms, says matter-of-factly_* If you go in there, and find a ghost, and then pinch it, I'll believe it's real.

JASPER: *_looks stunned for a minute, holds out his hand_* Deal.

EMMETT: *_shakes his hand_* Cool. Now let's go find Casper.

_They enter the house and look around. Upon finding nothing, they decide to spark up._

EMMETT: *_smug_* See? I told you. There's no such thing as ghosts.

JASPER: *_takes a hit_* How do you know? I could've like, pinched an invisible ghost.

EMMETT: Well, if it's invisible, how would you know if you pinched it?

JASPER: …Well, how would you know if I didn't? It's invisible!

EMMETT: *_cracks up_* Your brain is invisible!

JASPER: How would you know? You can't see it!

EMMETT: …My point exactly.

JASPER: *_laughs insanely* _Whoa.

EMMETT: What…?

JASPER: *_still laughing_* I… totally just fell off the floor.

EMMETT: How- *_decides its against his better judgement to even ask_* …Are you okay?

JASPER: It would have been better if I had an Emmett to break my fall.

EMMETT: Oh yeah? *_pulls Jasper into his lap, Emmett nuzzles Jasper's neck_*

_They hear a voice. _

CHARLIE: Who's in there? This is the police. *_shines flashlight* _Carlisle's boys?

EMMETT: Fuck!

JASPER: Oh, shit.

CHARLIE: What are you doing in here?

_The boys are still sitting on the floor, Jasper still in Emmett's lap, with the joint between his fingers._

EMMETT: *_nervous_* Hi… Chief Swan.

_Chief Swan glances at Jasper who is sitting there, eyes wide, looking back and forth between him and the joint._

CHARLIE: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take you in boys. Come on, let's go.

EMMETT: Are we going to jail?

JASPER: But I'm too pretty for prison!

_They are sitting in the station. Chief Swan is on the phone._

CHARLIE: Hello. May I please speak with Carlisle or Esme?

EDWARD: Is everything all right, Chief Swan?

CHARLIE: Well Edward, it appears that your brothers have gotten into a bit of trouble.

EMMETT AND JASPER: *_in unison_* Aww, he's talking to Edward!

EDWARD: *_smiling smugly to himself* _Oh? What did they do?

CHARLIE: I'm charging them for a B&E and possession.

EDWARD: Oh really? *_still smug_* I will let my mother know.

CHARLIE: Thanks, Edward.

EMMETT: Stupid Edward. All smug. Stupid Smugward! He's probably skipping tra-la-la to his dearest mommy right now. One of these days I'm going to punch that smug look right off his face.

JASPER: If you punch him, he probably won't have a face.

EMMETT: Even better.

_After a short while, Esme walks into the station._

ESME: Emmett McCarty Cullen and Jasper Whitlock Hale! I am so disappointed in you two. What were you boys thinking?

EMMETT: We weren't…

ESME: *_angrily_* Oh! That's obvious!

JASPER: *_looking down at lap_* We're sorry. *_looks up at her*_

ESME: Oh, you're going to be sorry. What kind of a fine am I looking at, Chief Swan?

CHARLIE: Well, Esme, since they're family, I'm gonna let the fine slip.

ESME: Thank you. That's very nice of you. However, they still need to be taught a lesson.

CHARLIE: I can keep them in a holding cell overnight.

EMMETT: What?

JASPER: _Why_?!

ESME: Alright. But… Separate them.

JASPER: Whaaat?

EMMETT: This sucks!

CHARLIE: Very well. Sorry for disrupting your evening, Esme.

ESME: Not as sorry as they're going to be. *_to the boys_* I will send your father to pick you up in the morning.

CHARLIE: Noon, actually. When someone is held overnight, we usually hold them until noon.

ESME: That's fine. The longer the better. *_She leaves*_

CHARLIE: Come on, boys.

*

Sitting alone on the floor of his holding cell, Jasper is being overly dramatic, singing Lonely Day by System of a Down…

JASPER: Such a lonely day, and it's mine. The most loneliest day of my life, such a lonely day should be banned. It's a day that I can't stand. The most loneliest day of my life. The most loneliest day of my life…

CHARLIE: Well now you're not going to be so lonely.

JASPER: *_perks up a little_* Oh? _*sees some drunk guy that's not Emmett get thrown in, dies a little inside*_

CHARLIE: Not enough room. Only have two holding cells in Forks.

JASPER: *_horrified_* Swell.

_Charlie locks the door and walks away._

DRUNK GUY: *_thinks Jasper is a girl_* Yer… gorjuss.

JASPER: *_backs up against the wall* _Stay the fuck away from me, man!

DRUNK GUY: Well aren't you a feisty little thing…

JASPER: *_frantic_* My boyfriend's bigger than you!

DRUNK GUY: Well. *_puts hand on Jasper's thigh* _Your boyfriend ain't here, now is he, sweetheart?

_Meanwhile, in the other cell, Emmett was leaned up against one wall, throwing a baseball against the other and catching it repeatedly. He was muttering something about 'Smugward' and 'imminent death'…_

_The next day, Jasper and the drunk guy are sitting in opposite corners staring each other down. Drunk guy's hand appears to be very badly bruised, and possibly broken._

CHARLIE: Alright Jasper, Carlisle's here. You can go home.

JASPER: *_gets up_* Thank GOD!

CHARLIE: *_looks at the other guy in the cell. He raises a brow, shakes his head and walks away.*_

JASPER: *_sees Emmett, runs, leaps into his arms, clings_* I missed you!

EMMETT: *_taken aback_* I… missed you too?

JASPER: For one whole night, my life lost all meaning!

EMMETT: Seriously?

JASPER: A little. I just missed you.

CHARLIE: I think you faired pretty well, Jasper. Your cell mate however looks a little broken.

EMMETT: Cell mate?

CHARLIE: We ran out of room. I think we should get someone to look at the guy's hand. I think it's broken.

EMMETT: Broken hand? What did you do?

JASPER: *_innocently_* Nothing.

EMMETT: Then why is his hand broken?

JASPER: Should've kept it to himself…

EMMETT: He _touched _you?!

JASPER: He tried.

EMMETT: I'll kill him!

CARLISLE: Guys. In the car. Now. Let's go!

CHARLIE: Are they… together?

CARLISLE: Mm. Imagine my surprise.

CHARLIE: Okay then… I need a beer.

_As they are leaving Emmett calls out to Charlie._

EMMETT: Why would you put the drunk in with the pretty guy!

*

_At the Swan residence… Charlie is the phone to Billy Black. Huh. Doesn't this sound familiar…_

CHARLIE: You should have seen it, Billy. I go in there to arrest a couple punks, and I find two of Carlisle Cullen's boys in there.

BILLY: I never did like those kids. I still think that your Bella should be with my Jacob.

CHARLIE: Sometimes I think so too…

BILLY: Why did they break into a building?

CHARLIE: They were smoking marijuana, and now that I think about it, I think they were about to… *_shudders_* Make out.

BILLY: I didn't think I could like those Cullen boys any less. But then I went and surprised myself and now I do! *_laughs_* Wanna get together for a couple beers?

CHARLIE: Do I ever!

*

_At the Cullen home, the door opens. In comes Carlisle, followed by Emmett and Jasper._

ROSALIE: Here come the delinquents!

EDWARD: *_sitting smugly on the couch_* You guys just keep digging yourselves deeper and deeper, don't you? No wonder mom likes me best!

EMMETT: Augh! That's IT! *_storms over to Edward, raises his fist and cuffs him square in the jaw* _Smug bastard!

JASPER: Calm down, Emmett!

EMMETT: Don't tell me to calm down! And I'll know if you're _'feeling' _at me, so don't even try it!

EDWARD: *_shocked_* You… punched me!

EMMETT: Yes, and I'll do it again!

ALICE: Even I didn't see that one coming!

ESME: *_scolding_* Emmett. Your room. Now.

JASPER: *_rests a hand on Emmett's shoulder_* Em…

EMMETT: *_jerks his arm away_* Don't!

_Emmett literally stomps up the stairs, they hear his door slam. _

*

**That's right, cliffhanger. Deal with it. We love you! ^_^**


	14. Act Fourteen: Nothing Else Matters

**DISCLAIMER: You know the drill. Also, LadyEmjazz (AKA CandyAppleBlack) and I would like to thank you for all the lovely reviews. Squee!**

**Oh, btw, OUR vamps SLEEP. That is all.**

**Oh, and we love you Jackson. Really, we do. ^_^**

**----------**

ACT FOURTEEN: NOTHING ELSE MATTERS

_Emmett is propped up on his bed, arms folded, fuming to himself. Coming from the stereo is "All About Us' by t.A.T.u. The music can be heard from downstairs. _

ROSALIE: Wow. He really is gay. He can't even rage straight.

Jasper goes upstairs to check on him. He cracks open the door.

JASPER: Emmett?

EMMETT: *_turns head, glares at him_* WHAT!?

JASPER: *_quietly_* …Sorry. *_steps back, shuts the door_*

_Jasper heads to his own room. He sits on the edge of his bed for a moment and sulks. He then turns on his own music. Ironically, it's a song by t.A.T.u.:_

_Gomenasai for everything  
Gomenasai, I know I let you down  
Gomenasai till the end  
I never needed a friend  
Like I do now…_

_Rosalie opens Jasper's door, Jasper is still sulking. Upon seeing her he quickly shuts off his iTunes._

ROSALIE: I could hear what you were listening to.

JASPER: Shut up.

ROSALIE: *_sighs_* I can't believe I'm doing this, but just give him some time. Let him cool down. He's not angry with you. Unless this was your fault, then maybe.

JASPER: *_throws head back onto the bed_* Shit…

ROSALIE: This was your fault?

JASPER: In a word… Yes.

ROSALIE: What part of you thought that breaking into a building and doing drugs was a good idea?

JASPER: …The dumb part…?

ROSALIE: That's a pretty big part.

JASPER: You're not helping.

ROSALIE: He'll forgive you. It's just the way he is. No matter how many times you fuck up, he'll forgive you.

JASPER: *_looks at her funny_* He didn't forgive _you_. You guys broke up! _*looks worried*_

ROSALIE: That's different. I killed his car. I was a bitch! He's _gay_!

JASPER: *_laughs a little_* I suppose.

ROSALIE: He will forgive you. *_deep sigh_* Trust me.

JASPER: You promise?

ROSALIE: He loves you, you ass. Just give him a couple hours. God, this being nice is so-

JASPER: Bleh?

*

_Jasper is in bed, half-asleep. He notices his door opening. _

JASPER: *_sleepily_* Who is it?

EMMETT: It's me… Can I come in?

_Jasper rolls over and looks at the door to see Emmett is standing there._

JASPER: *_groggy_* Mmm.. Yeah…?

_Emmett walks in and shuts the door. He sits at the end of the bed._

EMMETT: I'm really sorry. Sorry I've been an asshole.

JASPER: *_sits up and rubs his eyes and yawns_* Why are you sorry? This was my fault.

EMMETT: Yeah. But I'm still sorry I was an asshole.

JASPER: Hey! *_half-offended, whaps Emmett in the arm*_

EMMETT: *_chuckles_* So… You still mad at me?

JASPER: *_shakes his head_* No. You still mad at _me_? I mean, I did get us thrown in the slammer.

EMMETT: Well… No. It's weird. I've been fuming in my room for the last few hours, and then I come in here, and then I see you, with your cute face and your big eyes… And now nothing else matters.

JASPER: Really? You're sweet. I'm still sorry I got you into all this trouble.

EMMETT: I went in there willingly. You didn't hold a gun to my head. Let's just say we're both idiots and call it a night.

JASPER: Mhm. According to my sister, my dumb part is rather large.

EMMETT: Oh? And what part would that be?

JASPER: *_circles head with his finger*_

EMMETT: In our defense, teenagers do stupid things.

JASPER: This is true. I once set a kid on fire.

EMMETT: *_dumbstruck_* Oh. WHAT?!

JASPER: WHAT!?

EMMETT: …Why?

JASPER: He asked me to…?

EMMETT: Do you always do things people ask you to do, Jasper? If I asked you to jump off a cliff, would you?

JASPER: Mhm!

EMMETT: No you wouldn't!

JASPER: Yes I would. Because I know you'd catch me.

EMMETT: Of course I'd catch you. But then I'd yell at you for being so boneheaded!

JASPER: I'm joking!

EMMETT: I'm not. Are you naked?

JASPER: Yeah. I sleep naked. What's your point?

EMMETT: No point… Just… *_looks over Jasper appreciatively_* Yeah…

JASPER: You wanna spend the night? We could have a sleepover.

EMMETT: _*is still staring. Very appreciatively*_

JASPER: Are you going to do anything or are you just going to sit there staring at me?

EMMETT: Huh? Oh… Uh huh. *_strips down to his boxers and climbs into bed_*

JASPER: Uh-uh. Nope.

EMMETT: *_confused_* What? But you just asked-

JASPER: My bed has a very strict dress code in place.

EMMETT: Ehh?

JASPER: The boxers. Off with them!

EMMETT: Uh… Um… Okay.

JASPER: What's this? Getting bashful? I've seen your penis!

EMMETT: Oh? Was it blue? And this big? *_holds up pinky_*

JASPER: No! That's mine!

EMMETT: Well, fine. But it sure felt bigger. *_sheds boxers, gets into bed*_

_They are both lying in bed, just looking at each other a little awkwardly._

JASPER: _*breaking the silence* _…Hi.

EMMETT: *_moves closer, puts his arms around Jasper_* Hi.

JASPER: *_in Jasmine voice_* Why hello there handsome. I just feel so safe in your big strong arms.

EMMETT: *_laughs_* You're lucky I love you…

JASPER: *_taken aback_* What?

EMMETT: I… I love you.

JASPER: *_bites lip_* You… do?

EMMETT: *_nods_* Yeah. *_anxiously awaiting Jasper's response*_

JASPER: *_puts a hand on Emmett's face, and gives him a kiss* _I love you, too.

_Emmett smiles warmly and kisses Jasper back. They start to kiss. Things are getting heated, Emmett moves on top of Jasper. Things get more heated. _

_Outside the room, Edward is walking down the hall. He hears 'noises.' He stops in front of the door._

EDWARD: What the… Oh, ewww_. *He shudders, and then hears Emmett moan 'Jasper'* _Oh, they are so dead in the morning. _*shudders again*_

_*_

_Next morning, Emmett and Jasper saunter downstairs into the kitchen. Esme is standing there, arms crossed. Edward is behind her, looking smug. The rest of the family is sitting at the table quietly. Except for Alice, who is sporting a huge grin._

EMMETT: Oh yeah. You're still mad about yesterday, aren't you…

ESME: Oh, there's still that.

JASPER: Still…? What did we do now?

ESME: It has come to my attention that one of the house rules needs to be reinforced.

EMMETT: What rule?

ESME: Come bedtime, everyone is to remain in their respective rooms. There will be no "sleeping over" in somebody else's bed.

JASPER: How did she…

EMMETT: Be right back. *_walks over to Edward, punches him_*

EDWARD: What the hell!

EMMETT: Maybe if you wouldn't have opened your big mouth, I wouldn't have punched it.

EDWARD: I clearly stated, in our agreement, I didn't want to hear it!

EMMETT: Then don't creep at our doors! Besides, if you hate it so much, why did you help me get with him!

EDWARD: I plead the fifth!

ESME: Alright. I'm sure that everyone has something to do. You two. *_looks at Emmett and Jasper_* If you think you are going to be enjoying this Saturday, you are sadly mistaken. You have a lot of trouble to make up for. You can start by washing all the windows. Inside and out.

EMMETT: You've got to be kidding me!

JASPER: *_groans, slumps against Emmett*_

ESME: And Emmett, apologize to Edward.

EMMETT: No! Tell him to stop being such a smug bastard!

EDWARD: *_quickly gives Emmett the finger before Esme can see_, _leaves the room*_

EMMETT: *_mumbles_* He's cruisin' for a bruisin'…

ESME: The windows. Now. *_to self_* What did I ever do to deserve this? Why do those two have to be so… Argh. *_sees Jasper looking at her with big sad eyes_*

JASPER: I'm sorry, mom. *_hangs head, walks away_*

*

_A few hours later, Esme, feeling some remorse, goes to check on them._

ESME: Boys?

_They turn from their window-washing._

JASPER: Yes'm?

EMMETT: Huh?

ESME: I love you boys very much. Please know that. I just don't understand why you insist on always being so-

JASPER: Dumb?

ESME: Well… Yes. Are you trying to drive me crazy? If you boys could give me grey hair, it would be everywhere. My hair would only look this colour because it would be from a box. Because underneath it would be grey! I swear between you two and Carlisle, you're trying to kill me!

JASPER: *_lip trembles a little*_

EMMETT: We'll try to be better.

ESME: That would be nice, boys. *_pulls them both into a hug_*

EMMETT: Mom, can you do me one little teensy favour?

ESME: And what's that?

EMMETT: Would you tell your beloved Edward to stop being such a jerk?

JASPER: I concur. *_mutters under his breath_* Smug prick…

ESME: I love you all equally.

EMMETT: That's not what he seems to think.

ESME: Well, I'll talk to him then.

JASPER: Are we really not allowed to be in each other's rooms? Like, at all?

ESME: I just don't think that in a house so full of people that that kind of thing is appropriate.

EMMETT: *_throws his arms up_* Why is the world against me having sex!?

JASPER: I'm not!

ESME: That's it! I quit! I can't do this anymore! I'm handing in my letter of resignation! …And by the way, you missed a spot! *_drags finger down the middle of the window_*

EMMETT: Did she just…

JASPER: Yep.

*

**Thanks for reading! Please review or Esme will smudge up your windows!**


	15. Act Fifteen: So Jasper Thinks He Can

**DISCLAIMER: Twilight = not ours. K. bai.**

**Another original character, but not really. This time, we stole Matthew Gray Gubler. And called him Grubby. We find his voice obnoxious. So, sorry if you are a fan of his, we don't mind him... So long as he's quiet. But yes, heavy Grubby bashing in this chapter.**

**----------**

ACT FIFTEEN: SO JASPER THINKS HE CAN DANCE

_It's Monday, so everybody's back at school. Jasper is in English Lit class. He is worn out from doing too many chores, and too much Emmett on the weekend, so he is passed out at his desk._

MR. GRUBLER: *_taps Jasper on the shoulder_* Mister Hale!

JASPER: _*remains face-first into the desk_* Mehh… *_swats_*

MR. GRUBLER: MISTER Hale!

JASPER: *_lifts his head up, smacks his lips_* What?

MR. GRUBLER: Is there any particular reason you feel the need to sleep through my class?

JASPER: *_grumpy and annoyed_* Emmett wore me out. Too many damn chores. Wash your own damn windows… *_slumps back down into desk_*

MR. GRUBLER: MISTER HALE! Get up!

JASPER: *_sits up_* I'm gonna eat you…

MR. GRUBLER: Pardon me?

JASPER: What? Nothing! I'm up…

MR. GRUBLER: *_goes back up to the front of the class_* Alright class. Our paper today is on Stephen King. Everyone is to pick a piece of writing from him, and analyse it. The essay is due at the end of the class.

JASPER: *_to self_* Salem's Lot it is…

_He takes out purple iPod that he borrowed from Emmett, is listening to 'Damn You Look Good' by Cobra Starship. He becomes so engrossed in the music, he begins to boogie down in his seat and sing along… And progressively gets louder._

JASPER: No good, you're up to no good

But damn you look good and I'm drunk

Now you've got me kinda thinking' that maybe I would

So hard to be good, it's so hard to be good

KID BESIDE HIM: *_astonished and a little disturbed_* …Fuckin' weird kid! Why am I always stuck sitting beside this fucking weird kid!

JASPER: S C A N D to the A to the L O U S

I can't handle it, I can't handle it

Damn that girl that's scandalous

MR. GRUBLER: MISTER HALE!

JASPER: *_is jolted out of his reverie_* Buh?

MR. GRUBLER: Not only is your music at alarming volumes, so is your singing.

JASPER: Oh. Sorry. *_turns music down, stops singing but continues to dance_*

MR. GRUBLER: Mister HALE! Would you please refrain from dancing in your seat!

KID BESIDE HIM: Fucking… weird… KID!

MR. GRUBLER: Language, Mister Olsen. Now Mister Hale, I'm going to have to confiscate your iPod since you can't seem to listen to it in a normal fashion.

JASPER: You've got to be kidding me!

MR. GRUBLER: *_holding out palm_* Your iPod, Mister Hale.

JASPER: *_deeply chagrined, hands it over_. _Mutters under breath_* I am so dead…

MR. GRUBLER: You can have it back at the end of the day.

JASPER: Bu- I- It's not mine!

MR. GRUBLER: End of the day, Mister Hale.

JASPER: *_slumps back into his chair and groans_* Why can't I just have it back at the end of class!?

MR. GRUBLER: If I give it back to you at the end of class, you won't learn as valuable a lesson as you would getting it back at the end of the day.

JASPER: Learn a lesson? What are you, my freaking mother?!

MR. GRUBLER: I'm sorry, Mister Hale, but I'm going to have to give you detention.

JASPER: You gonna ground me too? No TV for a week!? Wash your windows?!?

MR. GRUBLER: That is quite enough, Mister Hale. I don't understand how one student can be so much trouble. You will report to your detention in my classroom during your lunch break.

JASPER: Ugh. Bleh.

_At the end of class, Jasper walks up to Mr. Grubler's desk to hand in his paper. It is written entirely in red crayon._

MR. GRUBLER: Thank you Mister Hale, I- …Why is this written in crayon?

JASPER: *_snarkily_* I didn't have a pen.

MR. GRUBLER: You are going to have to redo this entire assignment, you realize? You can do that over lunch.

JASPER: Augh. Why? I did the work. I did it right. It's legible. What's the problem?

MR. GRUBLER: It's written in crayon.

JASPER: So?! I could have written it in Cheez Whiz on a piece of bread and it would still be right!

MR. GRUBLER: Enough! I will be seeing you at lunch, Mister Hale.

JASPER: Fine. *_starts walking away_*

MR. GRUBLER: And I expect you to be here at the beginning of lunch, not the middle, or the end.

JASPER: *_makes talking motion with his hands_* Mer mer mer mer mer. Ass.

*

_Jasper meets up with Emmett at their lockers between class. _

EMMETT: Hey, babe. _*gives him a kiss* _How was English?

JASPER: It was… English.

EMMETT: Okay. So. Can I have my iPod, I have history next and… yeah. Boring.

JASPER: No.

EMMETT: Why?

JASPER: I don't have it.

EMMETT: *_getting a little worried_* Why?

JASPER: Grubby has it.

EMMETT: WHY? …Who's Grubby?

JASPER: My English teacher.

EMMETT: Oh. WHY?

JASPER: I was misusing it in class.

EMMETT: What?

JASPER: *_innocently_* Mhm.

EMMETT: What did you do?

JASPER: I had the volume up too high… And I may have been singing out loud… And there may have been some dancing.

EMMETT: Are you kidding me?

JASPER: *_embarrassed_* No… And then I got detention.

EMMETT: Do I even wanna know?

JASPER: I may have written my English assignment in red crayon.

EMMETT: Red crayon.

JASPER: …And then refused to fix it.

EMMETT: I see. Not really. But I see.

JASPER: *_weakly_* You can have your iPod at the end of the day?

EMMETT: Seriously?

JASPER: I'm sorry.

EMMETT: You're lucky I love you so much, or else I would _throttle _you!

JASPER: *_bats his eyes, takes Emmett's hand_* I love you too. *_pecks Emmett's cheek_*

EMMETT: *_frustrated_* Those damn big eyes of yours, they should be illegal!

JASPER: I don't know what you're talking about. *_Makes puppy dog eyes_*

EMMETT: Damn you!

JASPER: I know. I'm a stinker. *_grins_*

EMMETT: Yeah. You are.

_They start making out. Edward walks by, thoroughly disgusted._

EDWARD: You're in public!

EMMETT: Suck my dick.

JASPER: *_shoots up an arm_* Ooh, pick me!

EDWARD: *_repulsed_* Blargh! *_he keeps walking_*

EMMETT: So I'll see you at lunch?

JASPER: No…

EMMETT: Why?

JASPER: Detention.

EMMETT: Well, at least it's during school, and not after school. That way mom doesn't have to know.

JASPER: True. But it doesn't change the fact that my teacher is a giant ASSHAT!

EMMETT: Asshat. Hah.

JASPER: Yes. Asshat. With an annoying voice. That makes me want to kill a baby.

EMMETT: Okay, that's a bit much.

JASPER: No. You don't get it. *_mocks Mr. Grubler_* Hi, I'm Mr. Grubler. I'm an asshat! My voice is annoying!

EMMETT: Wow. Never do that again.

JASPER: See? I'm going to my next class. Before I'm late, and get another detention.

EMMETT: Okay. *_gives him a quick kiss_* Have fun.

JASPER: *_kisses him back_* Mmm. Hate school.

*

_Lunch time rolls around and Jasper reports to his lunch time detention._

MR. GRUBLER: I hope you brought a pen, Mister Hale.

JASPER: Is a pencil okay?

MR. GRUBLER: Yes, I suppose.

JASPER: Splendid.

_Jasper takes a seat. He stretches his arms out, penis pencil in hand, making an obvious spectacle of the object. He's making loud sighs, tapping it against his lips, and pretending to give it fellatio._

MR. GRUBLER: Mister Hale. The pencil, please.

JASPER: Hmm? Sure. Sure, Mr. Grubler. _*pulls the penis off the pencil and holds out the pencil*_

MR. GRUBLER: All of the pencil, Mister Hale.

JASPER: You're my teacher, Mr. Grubler. I don't think it's appropriate for you to want my penis.

MR. GRUBLER: *_face turning red and huge vein popping out of forehead_* Mister Hale! I have had enough of your shenanigans! You have detention for the rest of the week! At lunch AND after school! And I am going to be writing a strong worded letter to your mother!

JASPER: *_trying to keep a straight face_* You know, Mr. Grubler, you should really calm down. You look like your head is going to explode.

MR. GRUBLER: One more word out of you, Mister Hale and I will have you suspended.

JASPER: *_rolls his eyes, rewrites his assignment*_

_Meanwhile, in the cafeteria… Emmett's leaned over the table, pushing food around with a fork. He looks quite bored, and a little lonely._

ROSALIE: Not that I care, but where is that idiot I call my brother?

EMMETT: Umm…

EDWARD: *_eyes widen_* He's in detention!

EMMETT: Get out of my head before I punch you in the face. Again.

ROSALIE: Figures. Wonder what he did.

EDWARD: Told off a teacher.

EMMETT: GET OUT OF MY HEAD! _*picks up piece of pizza and throws it at Edward's face*_

ROSALIE: Not so _loud_!

EDWARD: *_removes the pizza from his face_* Not funny, Emmett.

EMMETT: *_baby voice_* Aww, you gonna tell mommy on me!

EDWARD: Don't patronize me.

EMMETT: I don't understand how you can be so much of a mommy's boy, Edward. You didn't even come from her womb. Cut the _cord_, Edward!

EDWARD: Not my fault you and Jasper are a couple of stupid idiots! *_He is suddenly on the receiving end of the reset of Emmett's lunch and the tray*_

_The entire cafeteria has now directed their attention to the Cullen table. Edward is sitting there completely stunned. One, because Emmett threw his lunch tray at him, and two, because he got hit in the face with a LUNCH TRAY._

EMMETT: You were saying?

EDWARD: *_stands up_* Oh my god, you are so-

EMMETT: So what? Say it. I dare you.

EDWARD: _*slams his chair into the table, storms off*_

_Across the cafeteria…_

JESSICA: Oh my god. Did you guys like see that? Edward Cullen totally freaked his shit!

ANGELA: Yeah. I guess Emmett really doesn't like being called stupid.

MIKE: Well he does look like a big dumb ape.

TYLER: Betta not let Emmett hear you say that. You might get a lunch tray in yo face.

MIKE: *_getting loude_r* Like I'm really afraid of that big dumb ape.

_Mike is suddenly hit in the side of the face with an apple._

MIKE: He just threw an apple at me!

ANGELA: You should have just kept your mouth shut! You're pissing off a guy that's like three times your size!

ERIC: Bad move, dude.

MIKE: I… got hit in the face… with an apple… by that big dumb GAY ape!

_Emmett picks up the lunch tray he threw at Edward, and walks over to Mikes table._

ERIC: You are so dead, man.

EMMETT: What did you call me?

MIKE: A big dumb gay ape.

EMMETT: That's what I thought. *_turfs him in the head with the lunch tray*_

JASPER: *_comes in from detention early* _What's going on? What did I miss? Why is he unconscious? _*points at Mike on the floor using penis pencil*_

EMMETT: *_sneering_* He had it coming.

JASPER: *_walks over to Emmett, takes his arm, uses his calming powers_* Calm down. Just relax.

EMMETT: I know what you're doing. Curse you Dr. Feel Good!

JASPER: You have to calm down. You knocked a guy unconscious!

EMMETT: He called me a big dumb gay ape!

JASPER: Oh. Well he did have it coming. But you still need to calm down. I saw Edward in the hallway. Why did he have pizza on his face?

EMMETT: He had it coming too.

JASPER: Wow. I missed a lot. *_takes Emmett's hand, rubbing his knuckles_* Relax.

EMMETT: *_feeling the effects of the calming powers_* Wow you're good.

JASPER: So I've been told… *_smirks_* Now let's get out of here before he wakes up.

*

**Thanks for reading! Please review, or Emmett will wage war with food items and a lunch tray.**


	16. Act 16: iMindfuck, You'll Shit iBricks

**DISCLAIMER:** **We still don't own Twilight.** **Oh, and just to clarify, our characters are indeed vampires, and our vampires sleep. Anyhoo, thanks for all the reviews.** **You guys rock. ^_^**

**-----------------**

ACT SIXTEEN: iMindFuck, You'll Shit iBricks.

_It's at the end of the school day. Emmett and Jasper are together at their lockers._

EMMETT: Thank god it's the end of the day. Let's go get my iPod so we can go home.

JASPER: *_nervous laughter_* About that…

EMMETT: I'm not getting my iPod back?

JASPER: Yeah, you're getting your iPod back… I'm not going home though.

EMMETT: *_chagrined_* …Why?

JASPER: I have… detention?

EMMETT: I thought you already had detention?

JASPER: Ehhh… I had a detention… But I fucked it up.

EMMETT: *_afraid to ask_* …How…?

JASPER: Remember my pencil?

EMMETT: Aww…

JASPER: …I kind of accused Grubby of wanting to touch my penis.

EMMETT: WHY would you do that?

JASPER: He's a douchebag…? So now I have detention every day for the rest of the week at lunch and after school. Did I mention he's a douchebag?

EMMETT: *_cups Jasper's face_* You… You… *_fumes_* I'm going to throttle you. *_gives him a kiss_* Let's go get my iPod.

_They make their way to Mr. Grubler's room. They walk in and walk up to his desk._

EMMETT: Hey, Mr. Grubler.

MR. GRUBLER: Yes, and who might you be?

EMMETT: You took my iPod from my boyfriend, I'd like it back please.

MR. GRUBLER: *_gives him a strange look and reaches into the drawer of his desk_* Here you are, and I suggest you do not give it to him in the future.

EMMETT: *_slightly annoyed_* Yeah. I'll remember that.

MR. GRUBLER: You may leave now. Mister Hale needs to complete his detention.

JASPER: *_gives puppy dog eyes_* You're leaving?

EMMETT: I'll wait for you.

MR. GRUBLER: That's very swell, but you can't wait here. You're going to have to leave.

EMMETT: No kidding. I'll see you in a bit, Jasper.

JASPER: Pray for me?

EMMETT: You overreact!

_Jasper glances at Grubby, smirks, grabs Emmett and gives him a big, deep kiss. Mr. Grubler shifts uncomfortably and adjusts his tie._

JASPER: *_draws back* _See you soon.

EMMETT: *_big goofy smile* _Uh huh.

*

_Bella is at home, on the phone with Jacob. Of course she is! God forbid she ever went and saw the idiot!_

JACOB: …Got hit in the face with pizza, and then the whole lunch tray!? I love it!

BELLA: What?

JACOB: I mean… *_trying not to laugh_* That's terrible!

BELLA: Your voice just oozes with sincerity.

JACOB: I thought I did a pretty good job.

BELLA: Yeah. Well…

JACOB: So… Lesson of the day: Don't call Emmett stupid or he'll go all 'Emmett smash' on you?

BELLA: Evidently. Mike Newton got knocked unconscious by the lunch tray…

JACOB: Why…?

BELLA: He called him a big dumb gay ape.

JACOB: I see. That was stupid.

BELLA: Clearly.

JACOB: Ooh! Can I ask a question?!

BELLA: *_sighs full of dread_* …Go ahead…

JACOB: So does he go around on the top of buildings, smashing things like King Kong, or throwing barrels around like Donkey Kong?

BELLA: GOODBYE, Jacob!

JACOB: When he's on top of the buildings, does he have little Jasper in his hand, wearing a dress?

BELLA: _GOODBYE_, JACOB.

_She hangs up the phone before he can say anything else._

_*_

_Back at school… Jasper is out of detention. He is walking towards Emmett's car. He opens the door and climbs in._

EMMETT: I see you lived.

JASPER: Just barely. I've been hanging on by a minor thread!

EMMETT: *_rolls his eyes_* I got you something.

JASPER: Is it a platypus!?

EMMETT: *_dumbfounded_* No…?

JASPER: *_pouts_* But I really want one!

EMMETT: *_reaches into bag, pulls out iPod box_* Here.

JASPER: You got me an iPod! Thank you so m- It's pink!

EMMETT: Mhm.

JASPER: I love it! *_gives Emmett a hug and a kiss_*

EMMETT: I'm glad. Now, I'm going to bring you down.

JASPER: *_chagrined_* Why?

EMMETT: Because now we have to go home. And chances are, to punish me… Edward's a dick.

JASPER: *_blinks_* What did I miss today?

EMMETT: He pissed me off… So I threw pizza at his face… And then I… slugged him with the lunch tray.

JASPER: Well played!

EMMETT: Not really. He's probably going to rat you out for your detention, and then rat me out for beating him up. Because that's what he is, a rat. A big, momma's boy rat.

JASPER: Yeah. He is a bit of a prick, isn't he?

EMMETT: A bit? Hmm. Try a lot.

JASPER: Well. If he is that much of a prick… We'll just have to kill him.

EMMETT: We can't kill him, Jasper. As much as we want to, we can't kill him.

JASPER: Well, boo. *_mocking Edward_* We'll just have to endure it.

_They arrive at home and walk in the door to find only Edward in the living room. Edward and Emmett stare at each other for a few seconds._

EDWARD: I didn't say anything.

EMMETT: About Jasper's detention or about me kicking your ass?

EDWARD: Neither. Now go away. Before I change my mind.

JASPER: *_throws arms around Edward_* Thank you! I knew you couldn't be a total prick!

EDWARD: *_uncomfortable_* Get off of me!

JASPER: Oh, you! Where's your sense of brotherly love?

EDWARD: I ate it. It's gone. Now get off of me! And don't even try making me 'feel' the love, because once I'm done 'feeling' the love I will kill you!

JASPER: What if I just never stop? I can do that, you know. I can make you feel however I want you to feel for the rest of your life! I could make you fall in love with Jacob Black if I w-

EDWARD: Try it and I'll see to it that your body is never found.

JASPER: *_singing_* Edward and Jacob, sittin' in a tree, F-U-C-K-I-N- *_gets smacked_*

EDWARD: Now go.

EMMETT: Come on, Jasper.

*

_Later, in the evening… Carlisle and Esme are relaxing in bed. Esme is reading a book from her book club. Carlisle has other things on his mind._

CARLISLE: Why don't you… *_kisses her neck* _put down the book… *_kisses her jaw* _and relax a little. *_starts to pull down the strap of her nightgown*_

ESME: *_laughs a little, whaps his hand* _Stop that!

CARLISLE: Aw, come on… *_continues to kiss her neck, begins to push her nightie up*_

ESME: Carlisle! The children are home!

CARLISLE: They're all in bed, so I think you should put down your little romance novel, and let me show you things that are much better than what's in that book.

ESME: *_teasing_* Oh. I don't know about that.

CARLISLE: _*climbs on top of her, throws the book on the floor* _Pwned.

ESME: If you think talking like that is going to get you anywhere, think again Carlisle.

CARLISLE: Where? Like here? _*sticks hand up her nightie*_

ESME: None of that! None of that.

CARLISLE: None of what, clicking your mouse? _*starts to play*_

ESME: Oh… I'll argue with you later. *_closes her eyes*_

_From out in the hall, Edward walks by and hears unpleasant noises coming from his parents' room. _

EDWARD: _*horrified and disgusted* _How can he do those horrible vile acts to my mother! …I'm gonna eat him. Right after I vomit, even though I can't.

_The next morning, Esme walks down the stairs, followed by Carlisle. There is a satisfied smile on her face, and an even more satisfied smile on his. He makes a thrusting motion with his arms and mouths "pwned". The children snicker. Edward is disgusted._

ESME: Why are you all laughing? *_turns to Carlisle, who's whistling with his hands behind his back*_

CARLISLE: Yes, honey? My, you look beautiful this morning.

ESME: *_eyes narrow_* I'm watching you.

CARLISLE: Me? *_points to self_* Love you…

ESME: Hmm. Alright all of you, off to school. Emmett, Jasper, if you boys are going to be late again, could you please call home?

EMMETT: Sure. No problem.

ESME: Where were you boys yesterday evening, anyway?

JASPER: About that…

ROSALIE: *_to Alice as she's heading out the door_* Ten bucks says he got detention…

ESME: *_pinches between her eyes_* Did you?

JASPER: …Maybe a little? *_sees Esme isn't buying it_* …Maybe a lot…?

ESME: And what did you do?

JASPER: *_meekly_* I may have accused my English teacher of sexual harassment…

ESME: *_slams a hand down on the table_* WHAT!

CARLISLE: Oh… Wow. Okay, I'm going to work! *_escapes out the door_*

ESME: Please tell me… Tell me… Tell me something that isn't what you just said!

EMMETT: In his defence… He wasn't actually talking about his… *_points_* Mr. Grubler took it the wrong way.

ESME: *_getting more aggravated_* Took _what _the wrong way…?

JASPER: *_hangs head_* He asked for my pencil, and I told him it was inappropriate for him to want to touch my penis… *_looks up_*

ESME: Oh… WHAT!?

JASPER: *_takes pencil out of pocket_* See? It's just a pencil.

EMMETT: Yeah. It just happens to have an eraser that looks like a dick. So you see how the teacher took it the wrong way?

ESME: *_fuming_* Why would you- What would possess you to- …WHY, Jasper?!

JASPER: *_weakly_* He's a …douchebag…?

EMMETT: No, he _is _a douchebag.

ESME: I don't care if he is or not! What you did was completely inappropriate!

JASPER: He takes away Emmett's iPod from me, and then he gives me detention for no reason! I didn't deserve it! He's a douchebag! He's out to get me, I swear it!

EMMETT: …Didn't he give you detention for singing and dancing in class first?

JASPER: Yes! See? No reason! I did the work!

EMMETT: In crayon!

JASPER: It was done right! It was legible!

ESME: Why must you two… be so… *_bursts into tears_*

JASPER: Um. Uh. I'm sorry… *_hugs her_*

EMMETT: I'm sorry too.

ESME: *_exasperated sigh_* I know, boys. But you two need to find something more constructive to do with your time, so you stop getting into so much trouble.

EMMETT: Like what, take up knitting like Edward?

ESME: No. Something like a sports activity. Or a part-time job, perhaps.

JASPER: What kind of a job?

ESME: We'll discuss it tonight. Now get going or you'll be late for school.

*

**Thanks for reading! Please review, or Esme will cry. She has enough trouble with Emmett and Jasper. Make her day?**


	17. Act 17: Na, Na Why Don't You Get A Job

**DISCLAIMER: Twilight still isn't ours. Mochaberry is based on a coffeeshop in our time. Comfy couches and all.**

**----------**

ACT SEVENTEEN: NA, NA WHY DON'T YOU GET A JOB

_It is after school. Emmett is sitting in his car waiting for Jasper to get out of detention. Jasper walks over to the car, looking unimpressed. He gets in and slams the door._

EMMETT: Whoa, whoa! What did Sally do to you?

JASPER: Stupid Grubby! Cock-munching douche, I'm gonna eat him!

EMMETT: Oh, man. What'd he do?

JASPER: He made me write lines on the board!

EMMETT: Oh?

JASPER: *_in Grubby voice_* I will not sexually harass my classmates!

EMMETT: Let me guess, the pencil was involved.

JASPER: I was just poking the guy beside me in the arm with it! He should be used to it, I do it all the time in the other class.

EMMETT: Who is this guy?

JASPER: *_shrugs_* Dunno. He calls me a fuckin' weird kid all the time.

EMMETT: Gee. I can't imagine why.

JASPER: I know, right?

_Both of them turn their heads to a knock on Emmett's window. There's a girl standing there with dirty blonde hair, trendy glasses, and a sweater vest. Emmett rolls down his window._

EMMETT: Yeah… can I help you?

GIRL: Excuse me, but if you're going to sit in your car, could you turn it off? The toxic emissions from your exhaust pipe are polluting the air.

EMMETT: *_dumbfounded_* Wha…?

GIRL: We have to keep the air that we breathe clean. You guys should be a lot more environmentally conscious.

JASPER: *_whispers_* Just roll up the window and drive away.

EMMETT: Uh. Yeah… We were just leaving.

GIRL: *_hands them a piece of paper_* Here. Fill out this form to get a new compost bin. It also has a list of things you can and can't compost.

EMMETT: _*takes it* _Thaaanks… _*rolls up the window, starts driving off*_

JASPER: *_takes it from Emmett, crumples it up, and tosses it out his window. It hits her in the face*_

EMMETT: Ohhhhh. She looks pissed.

JASPER: You should rev your engine and make more fumes.

EMMETT: Heh. *_does so, sees the girl fuming in the rear view mirror* _Take that, stupid bitch.

JASPER: Polluting the air. Pff. Like we need to breathe.

EMMETT: *_laughs_* We don't need to breathe. Edward thinks he does.

JASPER: Yeah, well, I'm not going to go all "green" just so Edward can think he can breathe.

EMMETT: Who the hell was that broad anyway?

JASPER: I dunno. I'm gonna eat her though.

*

_They arrive home, and Esme is already waiting for them._

JASPER: *_groans_* I was hoping she forgot…

ESME: No such luck boys. Sit down. Have you thought about something productive to do with your spare time?

JASPER: *_under breath_* Eat environmentalists…

ESME: I do hope you're joking.

EMMETT: He's kidding. He says that about people that annoy him.

ESME: Alright then. So let's hear it.

EMMETT: Well. The coffee shop downtown is hiring. I think I'll get a part time job.

JASPER: *_gaping_* But…

ESME: Good. I like that idea. And you? *_turns to Jasper_*

JASPER: *_still gaping_* But…

ESME: Well why don't you go apply where Emmett is?

JASPER: Because I don't want to! And there's human food in there! Bleh!

ESME: *_rolls her eyes_* Well, fine then. As long as _one _of you is doing something productive, both of you can't get in to trouble! I'm going to go see if I can kick your father off the computer so you can make a resume. Pray for me.

EMMETT: What am I gonna say, I worked a bar back in the twenties?

ESME: I see your point. I'll let your father deal with it then. This whole family thing we have is his great plan. He can iron out the details. *_she exits_*

JASPER: *_looks at Emmett with sad eyes_* But…

EMMETT: What? What's wrong?

JASPER: What if you have to work every day after school, and on weekends? Then I'll never get to see you. *_gives Emmett a pleading look_*

EMMETT: Those damn peepers! *_puts his arm around Jasper, draws him close_* We'll have plenty of time to be together, don't worry.

JASPER: This is stupid. You don't need to get a job. We're freaking loaded!

EMMETT: I know. But I kinda want to. I haven't had a job since I was human. But you know, you can always come visit me at work, and we can hang out.

JASPER: *_mood lifts_* Really?

EMMETT: Sure! It's actually a pretty cool place. There's an area in the back with little tables and comfy couches…

JASPER: Couches, huh? *_gives Emmett a suggestive look_*

EMMETT: *_shakes his head_* We'll see if I even get hired first. And then we'll discuss… couches.

JASPER: Yay!

_*_

_In the computer room…_

ESME: Carlisle? Carlisle…? CARLISLE!

CARLISLE: *_looks over his shoulder_* Hmm?

ESME: Do you think you could pause your game for a moment, and help me with something?

CARLISLE: *_who is playing Warhammer_* What could possibly be more important than this game?

ESME: *_sternly_* Your children.

CARLISLE: *_dramatic sigh_* Fiiine! What do they want _now_? This had better be good…

ESME: I told Emmett and Jasper that they need to do something productive with their time. Emmett wants a part time job. He needs a resume, Carlisle.

CARLISLE: So? Can't he go make one?

ESME: And say what, that he worked a bar in the twenties, Carlisle?

CARLISLE: Oh. Right. I'll get a hold of my "guy".

ESME: You have a "guy"?

CARLISLE: Yes, honey. How do you think we renew things like driver's licences and where do you think our children's birth certificates came from?

ESME: Alright, alright. You pwned me. Now get to work!

*

_Emmett and Jasper are driving in the car to the Mochaberry coffee shop. Jasper is looking at Emmett's resume._

JASPER: You delivered papers when you were eight?

EMMETT: What? It says that? How is that even relevant?

JASPER: And you seem to be a pro at washing dishes.

EMMETT: Great. I suck. Thanks dad.

JASPER: Keep in mind, honey bunch, that you're supposed to be seventeen. No seventeen year old has an elaborate resume.

EMMETT: Mm. "Honey bunch"?

JASPER: Mhm. Or would you prefer sugar pie or snickerdoodle?

EMMETT: Uh… If you must… Love bug?

_They head into the coffee shop. There is one lady there who is running around, holding down the fort by herself. It's stock delivery day, and there's no one there to help her._

EMMETT: Hi… I noticed that you're hiring…?

LADY: *_looks hopeful_* Are both of you applying?

JASPER: Uh-uh. *_shakes his head and points at Emmett_*

LADY: Oh. Well. Fine. *_thrusts apron at Emmett_* You start today!

EMMETT: Cool. Uh… Is it okay if he just kinda chills here?

LADY: *_scatterbrained_* Oh, yeah… Sure. Fine. Just start unpacking these things. You can start by putting the cheese and bagel fixings in the sandwich fridge.

EMMETT: Uh, sure? *_puts on his apron and goes behind the counter_*

JASPER: *_is standing there awkwardly, looking around* _It smells like… bleh in here.

LADY: *_to Jasper_* If you're going to stay here honey, go sit down somewhere. You're in my way.

JASPER: *_walks to one of the couches, sits down. He picks up some magazine called 'In The Hills'* _I can't believe this town has its own magazine. I mean, who really cares about the flowers blooming on main street?

_Emmett's back is turned. He is putting products away. He turns around when he hears someone say, "Uh excuse me, I'd like to order."_

EMMETT: Yes, hi, how can I… Oh. Hi.

JESSICA: Oh. Wow. *_scoffs_* You work here?

EMMETT: No. I thought it would be fun to jump over the counter and wear an apron for shits and giggles.

JESSICA: *_stares at him for a minute_* But you're like, a Cullen. And you're like, rich. Rich people don't have to work.

EMMETT: *_looks at her like she's mental* _Oh. KAY. So… Are you gonna order something?

JESSICA: Can I get a frozen chai tea?

EMMETT: Ehh… *_quietly_* What the hell is that? Hold on a second… *_walks over to the boss_* So. I don't know what I'm doing. I think I might need to be trained. And I think I might wanna know your name, and I think you should know mine?

LADY: Right. Okay. Well, my name is Claire, and I'll serve today. You just keep on putting things away and clean. Um…

EMMETT: Emmett.

CLAIRE: Emmett. Nice to meet you. Welcome to Mochaberry. What happened to the kid that was with you?

EMMETT: You sent him to the couch. He'll be fine.

_A few hours later, it is closing time._

CUSTOMER: Um, I just thought you'd like to know, there's some kid sleeping on the couch in the back.

EMMETT: Oh. Thank you. Aww, he fell asleep, that's so cute. My poor baby was exhausted.

CUSTOMER: Right. Well, he's curled up back there, and I think he's started drooling.

EMMETT: Wow. He's out cold. This should be fun waking him up. Maybe I'll just carry him to the car. Thanks dude.

_The customer leaves and Emmett goes to check on Jasper. Jasper is curled up on the sofa in the fetal position hugging a pillow. There is a small dribble of drool. He is also mumbling in his sleep. Emmett hunkers down, and strokes Jasper's cheek._

EMMETT: Jasper? C'mon babe. We gotta go.

JASPER: *_mumbling_* Nasty human noodle… I don't wanna buy shoes…

EMMETT: Okay. *_nudging his shoulder_* Come on Jasper, wake up!

JASPER: *_still mumbling_* Did I tell you that you could touch my penis? Only Emmett can…

EMMETT: Okay, so I guess I'm going to carry you then. *_scoops Jasper up*_

JASPER: *_snuggles into Emmett_* Love you…

_Emmett closes up and gets Jasper buckled into the car. He goes to turn the radio on, forgetting the volume is up rather loud. Jasper is startled so much that he jumps and hits his head on the roof._

EMMETT: *_quickly turns the volume off* _Oh my god, are you okay, Jasper?

JASPER: *_rubbing head_* If I fail my next test because of brain damage, I'm blaming you.

EMMETT: Lucky for me, you can't damage anything.

JASPER: Yeah, well. You know, if you wanted to wake me up, there are a lot more pleasant ways you could have done it.

EMMETT: I tried that. You were dead. I didn't mean to scare you, I forgot my volume was high.

JASPER: I know. I forgive you. So how was your first day, seeing as how I kinda slept through it? *_grins_*

EMMETT: Aside from cream cheese being kind of narsty… Not bad.

JASPER: Human food. Bleh!

EMMETT: There's just something not right about spreadable cheese.

JASPER: *_makes a disgusted face_* And those little cake balls covered in jizz.

EMMETT: You mean donut holes?

JASPER: Whatever they are, they're covered in jizz!

EMMETT: It's glaze, honey.

JASPER: Lemon flavoured glaze? Eww, Edward jizzed on cake balls.

EMMETT: *_shakes head_* Let's just go home.

*

_Back at home, Bella is on the phone with Jacob._

BELLA: So, Emmett decided to go get a part-time job.

JACOB: Oh? Where?

BELLA: Mochaberry.

JACOB: Oh, well, that's uh… Kinda gay.

BELLA: Well, Emmett is kinda gay.

JACOB: Yeah. That's sad. His girlfriend was a knockout.

BELLA: *_amused_* Oh really?

JACOB: Well, yeah. I mean, come on. You can't say she's not hot.

BELLA: Sure. Whatever. You got a thing for Rosalie, do you? Does this mean you'll get off my case now?

JACOB: Oh, Bella. You know you're the only girl for me. *_laughs_*

BELLA: *_sarcastically_* Oh, good. I drift on clouds of joy. Pinch me, could it be real?

JACOB: Come on, Bells, admit it. You've thought about it.

BELLA: Maybe once, because I was having a moment of temporary insanity…

JACOB: But you've thought about it.

BELLA: GOODBYE, Jacob.

JACOB: You've seriously thought about it!

BELLA: Mhm. Once. In a moment of desperation.

JACOB: So what is it? The nice beach house on the rez, the pups, my dashing good looks?

BELLA: *_unamused_* Oh yes, Jacob. All of it. Oh baby, oh baby.

JACOB: Admit it. You love me.

BELLA: Mm. Like a heat rash.

JACOB: Oh?

BELLA: Yes. Like a canker sore. Like a blister. Like a pebble stuck in the bottom of a shoe. Like you love Edward.

JACOB: Edward? I hate that douche. You hate me?

BELLA: No, Jacob.

JACOB: So you love me! Does Edward know you love me?

BELLA: GOODBYE, JACOB.

*

**Thanks for reading! And if you review, Emmett'll make you a frozen chai tea. Once he figures out how...**


	18. Act 18: Smug It's Contagious

**DISCLAIMER: Again, we'd like to thank you all for your awesome reviews. You rock, guys! ^_^**

**We still don't own Twilight. **

**Just in case anyone's wondering, OOC means _Out Of Character_. Just sayin'...**

**Without further ado, here's more crack for you!**

**-----------**

ACT EIGHTEEN: SMUG. IT'S CONTAGIOUS.

_It's the next day after school. Bella is on the phone to Jacob again. She's a glutton for punishment, what do you want?_

JACOB: So, have you decided if you love me or not?

BELLA: *_heavy sigh_*

JACOB: *_smirking_* It was the pups, wasn't it? You wanna have my puppies!

BELLA: Will you stop saying that, it's so creepy!

JACOB: Creepy? Your boyfriend's a dead guy!

BELLA: At least my baby's not going to have fur! I'm not into bestiality, Jacob.

JACOB: *_smug_* So you're into necrophilia.

BELLA: *_at a loss for words_* I am so not having this conversation with you. Do you wanna go for coffee?

JACOB: What, like a date? Are you asking me out on a date, Bella?

BELLA: *_groans_* Coffee shop. Five o'clock. Be there, before I change my mind. *_starts to hang up phone_*

JACOB: *_laughs_* It's a date!

*

_At the coffee shop, Emmett is at work. He's gotten a little better at his job. He's working with some girl named Lindsay, who is crushing on him. He glances up at the clock and smiles. _

EMMETT: He should be here any minute.

LINDSAY: Who?

EMMETT: Jasper.

LINDSAY: Who's that, your friend?

EMMETT: Yeah… My friend… And I swear if he fucked up this detention I _am _going to throttle him!

LINDSAY: What'd he do?

EMMETT: Long story, it involves a pencil.

LINDSAY: A pencil? My brother Dean keeps talking about this weird kid that keeps poking him with a pencil in class.

EMMETT: That's Jasper! *_sees Jasper walk in the door_* Jasper!

JASPER: Hi, honey! I'm going to eat him! *_still smiling_*

EMMETT: No you're not…

JASPER: *_in Grubby voice_* Yes I am!

EMMETT: Lindsay, meet Jasper.

LINDSAY: Hi.

JASPER: Sup. *_to Emmett_* I'm still gonna eat him.

EMMETT: Why this time?

JASPER: Had to redo another assignment.

EMMETT: Was it in crayon again?

JASPER: *_indignant_* No! Pencil crayon. Still a pencil. Just happened to be pink…

LINDSAY: Fucking weird kid…

JASPER: *_points and stares at her with wide eyes_* What did you just call me?

LINDSAY: Uhh, fuckin' weird kid?

JASPER: The guy in my English class calls me that.

LINDSAY: I think that's my brother.

JASPER: Right…

EMMETT: Come here. *_draws Jasper into a hug_*

JASPER: *_snuggles into the hug_* Hate him so much.

LINDSAY: You guys are really close, huh?

JASPER: *_not listening_* Where's my kiss? You haven't even kissed me. You're mean!

LINDSAY: *_gaping_* …What?

EMMETT: Sorry, babe. *_cups his face and kisses him_*

LINDSAY: He's your boyfriend? You're gay?

EMMETT: Very.

JASPER: The purple VW with the flower in the cupholder wasn't a dead giveaway?

LINDSAY: I thought he was like metro, or just weird.

JASPER: Nope! And he's mine. *_grins_*

EMMETT: Yes I am. But I have to get back to work. You can hang out here, but I have to get back to work.

JASPER: Oh, boo. Fine, I'll just sit over here and watch you make *_tries not to make a face_* bagels.

EMMETT: Okay then.

LINDSAY: Do you want anything? A coffee, some donut holes?

JASPER: No thank you, I'm not that fond of sweets.

LINDSAY: Kay. Let me know.

JASPER: *_to self_* Blehhhh! *_says quietly_* Even if I ate this crap, like I'd want something covered in jizz.

_Jasper is sitting at a table, watching Emmett work. After about 5 minutes, he is bored silly. He tries to think of things to do when an epiphany pops into his mind. A smirk creeps across his face. He rests his elbows on the table, hands under his chin and stares at Emmett very purposefully. A couple seconds later…_

EMMETT: Hey! Stop that!

JASPER: *_innocently_* Stop what?

EMMETT: I know what you're doing.

JASPER: *_looks at him with big, innocent eyes_* Doing what? I'm not doing anything…

EMMETT: You're doing it right now! *_shifts uncomfortably_*

LINDSAY: Are you okay?

EMMETT: Mm. Can I go on my break?

LINDSAY: Yeah. Sure. You've got thirty minutes.

EMMETT: Great. *_walks over to Jasper, grabs him, takes him to one of the couches_* Are you crazy!?

JASPER: *_bats eyes innocenty_* What? Why? Why do you ask?

EMMETT: Cuz I'm as hard as a freaking rock right now. Gee I wonder how that happened!

JASPER: Oh? *_glances down_* Well maybe you shouldn't be thinking dirty thoughts about me while you're at work!

EMMETT: *_sternly_* Well maybe you shouldn't make me _feel _dirty thoughts while I'm at work!

JASPER: *_feigning hurt_* Ah! I would never do such a thing!

EMMETT: My boner says otherwise.

JASPER: *_smug_* You poor thing! I think I can help you with that…

EMMETT: I'm at work, if you've forgotten!

JASPER: Your break is thirty minutes, we have time.

EMMETT: And where are we going to go?

JASPER: *_glances over_* The bathroom.

EMMETT: It's a single person bathroom! Customers are going to want to use it, and besides, Lindsay's here!

JASPER: Boo, you're no fun. Where's your sense of adventure?

EMMETT: I left it in my other pants, I'm at WORK, Jasper!

JASPER: *_thumps elbow down on the table, presses palm to cheek_* Fine. And one more thing…

EMMETT: What?

JASPER: *_is just staring at him_*

EMMETT: *_suddenly VERY uncomfortable_* Cut it out!

JASPER: Cut what out?

EMMETT: Fine. *_calls out to Lindsay_* We're going out for a smoke.

_Emmett takes Jasper outside, around the back of the building._

JASPER: But you don't smoke.

EMMETT: *_places a hand against Jasper's chest, pushes him against the wall_* No. I don't. *_smirks_*

JASPER: *_grins widely_* I win!

_Meanwhile, in the coffee shop, Bella and Jacob have arrived._

LINDSAY: Welcome to Mochaberry, can I get you something?

BELLA: Medium mocha latte, please.

JACOB: Just a coke.

BELLA: I thought Emmett was working?

LINDSAY: He is. He's on break. Have you met his boyfriend? Fuckin' weird kid…

JACOB: Oh, no. He's here?

LINDSAY: *_nods_* Mhm.

BELLA: Lucky you! Speak of the devils…

_Emmett and Jasper walk back in, Emmett's hands in his pockets and Jasper's hands behind his back, looking very smug and pleased with himself._

EMMETT: Hey, Bella. Sup, Jake.

_Jasper just keeps smiling and Emmett thinks to himself, 'Oh good, now Jasper can be entertained. I love him, but jeez.'_

BELLA: How are you liking your job?

EMMETT: It's a job… It's not bad.

JACOB: It reeks of the gay in here…

JASPER: *_looks at Lindsay_* Are pets allowed in here?

LINDSAY: *_confused_* Um, no. Why?

JASPER: No reason. Just wondering. *_smiles at Jacob_*

JACOB: *_glares_*

LINDSAY: All right, I'm going home. My shift is done. It's all yours, Emmett.

EMMETT: Cool. Night, Lindsay.

JASPER: It was a pleasure to meet you, Lindsay.

LINDSAY: Uh-huh. *_leaves_*

EMMETT: Okay, I'm gonna go get back to work, Jasper, why don't you hang out with Bella and Jacob?

JASPER: *_devious grin spreads across his face_* Okay. *_gives Emmett a peck on the cheek. He goes over to sit with them_* Hi!

BELLA: Hey, Jasper.

JACOB: *_chagrined_* Yeah. Hi.

JASPER: Jacob, can I ask you a question?

BELLA: *_snorts_* My, how the tables have turned!

JACOB: Ha, ha, ha.

JASPER: So. Do you get fleas?

JACOB: *_unamused_* No.

JASPER: Okay… When you were a baby, were you potty trained or were you paper trained?

BELLA: *_gloats_* Looks like it's your turn to answer ridiculous questions!

JASPER: Do you pee on trees?

JACOB: Is he serious?

BELLA: Yeah. Sad, isn't it?

JASPER: Do you prefer to fetch balls or sticks?

JACOB: *_pinches between eyes_* Oh my god…

JASPER: When someone knocks on the door, do you bark? Can you do tricks?

_Emmett, who is listening in on the conversation, is laughing his ass off behind the counter._

JASPER: Do you prefer Alpo, or Pedigree? Do you hump people's legs?

JACOB: *_slumps back in chair, throws head back_* NO! No, no, no, no, and no! You freak!

JASPER: *_gasps_* Bad dog! *_picks up a magazine, rolls it up and whacks Jacob on the head with it_* BAD DOG!

EMMETT: *_bursts out laughing_* I'm so gonna get fired…

JACOB: What the hell, man?

JASPER: Don't you dare bite me. I'll put a muzzle on you!

BELLA: *_under breath_* I wish…

JACOB: Give me one reason why I shouldn't slug you.

JASPER: If you attack me, you'll have to be put down.

JACOB: *_extremely_ _annoyed_* Very funny.

JASPER: You'd better be nice to me, or I won't give you a treat.

JACOB: *_grumbling_* I don't want a treat.

JASPER: Do you want some water? I'll get you some water instead. *_promptly gets up_*

JACOB: But I already have a… *_Jasper's already gone_* Coke…

BELLA: I don't need to be Alice to know what's going to happen next…

_A few moments later, Jasper comes back with a bowl of water, and places it on the floor._

JASPER: There you go, that's a good boy! *_pats Jacob's head*_

JACOB: *_beyond peeved_* Bella, can we leave?

BELLA: Aren't you having fun, Jake?

EMMETT: Come on, Jake. He's just teasing you. Lighten up!

JACOB: Didn't you wail on some kid with a lunch tray for poking fun at you?

EMMETT: Yeah. But that was different. They were trying to be mean. Jasper's just being an ass.

JASPER: *_lets out a big sigh_* Fine, I'll stop. Truce?

JACOB: *_reluctantly_* I guess.

JASPER: Shake a paw?

JACOB: *_bares his teeth_*

JASPER: Alright, alright, alright I'm done! *_holds out his hand*_

JACOB: *_shakes it* _So, how come you're picking on me? How come you don't do it to Sam and Jared? They're the same.

JASPER: Cuz you're special. *_gives a winning smile*_

JACOB: *_rolls his eyes_* Well lucky me.

*

**Thanks for reading! Please review or Jasper will hit you with a rolled up magazine! ^_^**


	19. Act 19: The Big O

**DISCLAIMER: Twilight. DO NOT WANT. Carrying on...**

**We're not entirely sure of the extent of Jasper's ability. We're just guessing and having fun. Whether or not he can do this, we don't know. Or care. We just thought it would be fun.**

**Oh, and we're not doing Grubby any favours by any means. Really, we're not. **

**--------------**

ACT NINETEEN: THE BIG "O"

_The next day, Emmett and Jasper are sharing a class, sitting in the back as per usual. They are in math, watching a video called "The Pythagorean Theorem And You."_

JASPER: This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. Who makes a movie about math?

EMMETT: No kidding. I don't even think I could spell Pythagorean theorem, let alone do it.

JASPER: I can.

EMMETT: Well la de da, you can "math". Congratulations.

JASPER: *_sticks out his tongue*_

_A couple minutes later, Jasper feels a hand on his thigh._

JASPER: _*looks down, looks back up at Emmett* _Oh? What's this then?

EMMETT: Heh. I was just thinking… *_leans into Jasper's ear_* …Of what I'd like to do to you…

JASPER: Really?

EMMETT: Mhm. *_gives Jasper's thigh a squeeze*_

JASPER: _*sucks in a breath_* Like what?

EMMETT: Heh. Well…

_Emmett starts to whisper sweet nothings and dirty little promises in Jasper's ear while rubbing his thigh. _

JASPER: Uh-huh. Yeah, okay. Mmm…

_Emmett starts to slide his hand farther up but stops midway, and draws his hand back and moves away. _

JASPER: *_confused_* Wha… What?

EMMETT: *_smirks_* Payback's a bitch, isn't it?

JASPER: *_shaking head_* You…

EMMETT: Yes, sweetie pie?

JASPER: …Are so gonna get pwned.

*

_In the cafeteria at lunch, Emmett is holding a failed math test. Of course of all people, Rosalie is the one to notice it first._

ROSALIE: How long have you been taking math and you _still _don't get it?

EMMETT: Yeah, well, shut up! It's stupid anyway! When the hell am I gonna use A + B = 53?

ROSALIE: You do realize that all you have to do is figure out what the numbers are that equal 53? Algebra's not that complex.

EMMETT: No! You gotta go through a bunch of stupid steps to get specific numbers! You can't just pick them willy-nilly!

BELLA: Is it just algebra you have a problem with, or all math?

EMMETT: *_crossing arms_* Fractions are stupid too! I'm not gonna bake, why do I care about quarters, and halves and like, three twenty-fifths? I saw your math and it was bleh!

ROSALIE: Well, you better suck it up and learn how to do it soon, because it's not going away.

EMMETT: What did I ever do to deserve an eternal hell of FUCKING MATH!

ROSALIE: Just lucky, I guess.

JASPER: Well I'd rather have an eternal hell of math than an eternal hell of fat ass.

ROSALIE: Oh, shut up.

JASPER: Well, it's true. You can't burn off dead fat. 'Sides, our skin is so hard, you've got like a boulder butt.

ROSALIE: Don't you have anything better to do than be annoying?

JASPER: Sure, but the school frowns upon public sex.

ROSALIE: You're disgusting.

_Everyone else is conversing amongst themselves. Jasper is sitting there starting to get bored. He suddenly gets the greatest idea ever. At least he thinks so._

JASPER: Hmm… *_tapping mouth with his trusty penis pencil_* Who first… _*gets wicked little grin on his face, starts staring at the back of Emmett's head*_

_Emmett is still talking with Rosalie. He suddenly feels very strange. He is suddenly cut off mid-sentence by a sudden surge of arousal._

ROSALIE: What's wrong with you?

EMMETT: Uh… Oh my god. *_puts hand over mouth_*

ROSALIE: What the hell, Emmett?

_Jasper has now moved on to the next member of the table: Alice._

ALICE: *_mouth drops, eyes go wide_* Oh! Hee!

_Jasper smiles inwardly at his fun. He moves on to Bella._

BELLA: No, Edward, I am not going to leave you for J- *_gasps, clutches the table and puts one hand to her mouth, breathing heavily*_

EDWARD: *_concerned* _Bella, are you okay?

BELLA: I… Uh… I… Yeah…

EDWARD: What happened?

_Jasper smirks to himself. Edward's turn._

BELLA: I… have no idea.

EDWARD: Well something must have happened for you to- *_puts hands to mouth and looks like he's about to jizz in his pants. He then proceeds to jizz in his pants* _What the hell…

ROSALIE: What the hell is wrong with all of you? Is there some joke that I'm not getting?

JASPER: *_tries not to look smug* _Uh-uh.

ROSALIE: You are all-

_And then Rosalie gets her turn. All she can do is stare shocked at the table. Satisfied, that the entire table has been, well, satisfied, Jasper turns to the rest of the cafeteria. He glances over at the table with Mike, Tyler, Eric, Jessica and Angela. Jasper decides that Eric and Angela are decent enough to not be tortured, so he leaves them alone. The other three, however…_

TYLER: *_gasps_* Oh, shit… *_he bolts out of the cafeteria* _

JESSICA: What's wrong with him?

MIKE: Who kno- *_gasps and is just staring at his crotch*_

ANGELA: Okay, this is weird…

ERIC: No kidding.

JESSICA: If you guys have something, you better not get me sick. Because if you do, I- _*is about to climax, when it suddenly comes to a dead stop*_

JASPER: *_to self_* None for you.

ROSALIE: *_who has been watching the whole time, finally dawns on what's going on, grabs the muffin that was on Bella's tray and whips it at Jasper's face* _You son of a bitch!

JASPER: *_innocently_* What? What'd I do?

ROSALIE: You made us all… You little shit!

ALICE: Hee!

EDWARD: You made my girlf- I'm going to kill you.

BELLA: *_suddenly hit with a wave of disgust_* Ew.

JASPER: I didn't hear anyone complain. Well maybe her *_points to Jessica_* But I cockblocked her.

EDWARD: You made me- You're sick!

JASPER: No. Just bored.

EDWARD: Emmett, get him out of here before I murder him.

ROSALIE: I'll help you.

EMMETT: Come on, Jasper. *_is hauling him out of the cafeteria*_

_In the hall…_

EMMETT: I can't believe you did that!

JASPER: I thought it would be funny.

EMMETT: Question…

JASPER: Yes'm?

EMMETT: If you were making everybody… horny, does that mean… Did you?

JASPER: No. I have amazing self control.

EMMETT: Really? *_grabs Jasper's shirt, hauls him into the men's room*_

JASPER: *_grins_* I win again.

*

_Later, in Jasper's English class, Mr. Grubler is droning on about something pointless in his annoying voice._

MR. GRUBLER: …Stephen King wrote: 'Monsters are real. Ghosts are real too. They live inside us. And sometimes they win.'

JASPER: _*is slouched in his chair, pretending to stab himself in the temple with his penis pencil* _Ugh, kill me.

DEAN: Fuckin' weird kid!

JASPER: *_turns to look at him, folds his arms and glares*_

DEAN: What?

JASPER: Nothing. *_glances down at Dean_* I think you have a problem…

DEAN: *_looks down at his track pants_* What the… *_gasps, makes a mess_*

JASPER: Who's the fucking weird kid now? I'm not the one who just came all over their underwear.

DEAN: How did you… Fucking weird kid! *_raises hand* _Uh, can I get a bathroom pass, Mr. Grubler?

MR. GRUBLER: Of course.

_Dean runs to the front, grabs the pass and bolts out the door. Jasper is hit with the most epic idea of all time._

JASPER: *_under breath_* I'm gonna shut you up…

MR. GRUBLER: I highly recommend you read 'In Writing' by Stephen King. It's a very beneficial read and it shows you the basic principals of good… *_is rendered silent, and is just standing there at the head of the class with his hand clapped over his mouth*_

JASPER: Something wrong, Mr. Grubler?

MR. GRUBLER: I'm not entirely sure. Everyone may leave early today.

JASPER: *_thrusts an arm_* Yes! *_he goes to find Emmett, who's on spare_*

_Emmett is in the library, pretending to math._

EMMETT: I hate this crap. Die in a fire!

JASPER: *_sneaks up behind Emmett, kisses his cheek and covers his eyes_* Guess who!

EMMETT: Hmm… Scrawny, blonde, annoying…

JASPER: I resent that! I'm not Mike Newton.

EMMETT: I know it's you. *_turns his head up, gives Jasper a kiss* _What are you doing out of class?

JASPER: *_sits beside him_* Well, Mr. Grubler had a bit of a 'personal' problem today.

EMMETT: *_eyes widen* _You didn't!

MRS: SMITHELY: SHHHHH!

EMMETT: Sorry! Jeez…

JASPER: Can I eat… Heh.

EMMETT: Oh, no! Jasper, don't!

JASPER: Why? I bet it's been like, a hundred years since she's had one.

EMMETT: Okay first: Ew. Second: She's like so old. What if it kills her?

JASPER: She had a good run.

EMMETT: Huh. What will they put on the obituary? Death by spooge?

JASPER: Yes! That's awesome!

MRS. SMITHELY: SHHHHHHHHHHH!

JASPER: Oh, that's it!

_Mrs. Smithely's eyes widen, she makes a small gasp and falls off her chair._

EMMETT: Oh my god, you did kill her!

JASPER: No, I didn't!

_Mrs. Smithely looks completely flabbergasted and confused. She smoothes out her skirt and sits back down._

JASPER: _*cracks knuckles* _Pwned.

EMMETT: *_laughs, shakes his head_* You're crazy.

JASPER: Like a fox. Wanna go make out behind the book shelves?

EMMETT: *_grins_* Heh. Okay.

*

**Thanks for reading. If you review, Jasper will be extra-special nice to you! Heh.**


	20. Act 20: The Desmugging Of Edward Cullen

**DISCLAIMER: We don't own Twilight. And thanks for all your reviews. You guys win at life. ^_^**

**---------------**

ACT TWENTY: THE DESMUGGING OF EDWARD CULLEN

_It's after school and the children have arrived home. Edward bursts out of his Volvo and storms into the house. _

EDWARD: *_to Esme_* Your son is a disgusting freak and I want him dead!

ESME: What on earth happened? Which son?

EDWARD: Jasper! I'm going to rip him apart and burn the pieces! BURN!

ESME: Okay, then. Honey, I think you should just calm down, and tell me what happened.

EDWARD: He used his powers to make me… Bella… Everybody…

ESME: *_waving her hand_* Made you…?

EDWARD: …Ejaculate…

ESME: *_bites back a laugh_* He what?

EDWARD: And it was vile! He's sick! And he needs to die!

CARLISLE: *_enters the room_* Who needs to die?

ESME: It seems your Jasper has been using his powers to arouse his classmates into climax.

CARLISLE: Really? Oh, that's hilarious! I mean… *_clears throat_* Do you want me to talk to him?

ESME: Please. I'll take Edward upstairs. *_they exit*_

_Jasper and Emmett enter the house._

CARLISLE: *_to Jasper_* So… I hear you had quite a stimulating day.

JASPER: Uh-huh.

CARLISLE: *_checks to make sure no ones looking_* High five! *_they slap hands*_

EMMETT: *_bursts into laughter*_

JASPER: I was bored, it was funny!

CARLISLE: I'm not disputing that. Though perhaps next time you decide to 'have fun', be more selective. Edward's really not happy.

EMMETT: Neither was Rosalie.

ALICE: *_skips into the room happily* _Hi! What a great day!

CARLISLE: So I've heard. Go on upstairs, please. We're having a talk, I'm trying to-

EMMETT: What, discipline and parent? Yeah. Okay, dad. Whatever you say…

JASPER: So. Am I in trouble?

CARLISLE: *_sighs_* To be honest, if I could do what you do, do you know how many time's I'd have pwned your mother?

JASPER: So I'm _not _in trouble.

CARLISLE: Well. I wouldn't recommend you do it again, but if you do, use discretion. Edward wants to rip you apart and burn the pieces.

EMMETT: He's gotta get through me first. He can't even get past my finger.

JASPER: That's right. *_rubs Emmett's bicep_* My knight in sparkly armour.

_Upstairs… Esme is talking Edward down._

ESME: Carlisle's talking to Jasper now. I'm sure he-

EDWARD: You've got to be kidding me! You think he's going to punish Jasper! Dad probably thinks that's the single most greatest thing ever!

ESME: Granted, your father is not what you would call a mature man, but he knows the difference between right and wrong. And what Jasper did was wrong.

EDWARD: What's wrong with him? Who does that!

ESME: I don't know, honey. I don't think he meant any harm by it. He was just being silly.

EDWARD: It's still wrong! And do you know what I heard him tell Emmett? He did it to a teacher!

ESME: Oh… I think I know which one…

EDWARD: And the librarian! She's like a million years old!

ESME: *_starts laughing_* Did the woman live?

EDWARD: Yeah, but… It's wrong!

ESME: Edward, honey, you really need to calm down.

EDWARD: *_yelling_* I AM CALM!

ESME: Did you ever think, that maybe, if you didn't react to him the way you do, that he wouldn't want to torture you so much? Every action requires a reaction. But you react too much.

EDWARD: *_folds his arms_* I think he needs to grow up.

ESME: He spent the better part of his human life a grown up. He didn't have a very easy time of it when he was turned.

EDWARD: That's no excuse to act like a freak!

ESME: He's acting like a teenager. Technically he is acting his age. This is the first time he's ever gotten to.

EDWARD: I'm essentially seventeen, and you don't see me going around like an idiot!

ESME: You know what I think you should do?

EDWARD: I'm not going to like it, am I?

ESME: I think you should spend time with your brothers. Bond with them. You've been sharing a roof for quite a while, I think it's time you all got along.

EDWARD: *_groans_* But they're obnoxious!

ESME: I see why you would find Jasper obnoxious… Why does Emmett bother you?

EDWARD: He's fine on his own. When he's with Jasper he's so… Gay.

ESME: You have a problem with who Emmett is?

EDWARD: No! I don't care if he is, but why does he have to act it so much! It's annoying. And sickening.

ESME: *_sighs_* Do it for me? Please?

EDWARD: *_chagrined_* Fine.

_Back downstairs…_

CARLISLE: …And she didn't like, keel over? Somebody that old, I'm surprised her bones aren't dust!

EMMETT: I know! I wish I'd have been in his English class for Grubby!

CARLISLE: What's a Grubby?

JASPER: *_clears throat, talks in Grubby voice* _Hi, I'm Mr. Grubler! My voice is annoying! I like to talk about Stephen King so much, it makes my students want to shoot me, or make me jizz in my pants!

CARLISLE: *_eyes widen_* Okay… Does he seriously sound like that? Ew.

JASPER: Hate that douche.

EMMETT: *_mutters_* Speaking of douches…

_Edward comes down the stairs with Esme. The three boys stand there staring awkwardly at each other for a few minutes._

ESME: Jasper, don't you have something to say to Edward?

JASPER: *_groans_* Fine… I'm sorry.

ESME: Sorry for what?

JASPER: I have to say it? He knows what I did!

ESME: *_folds arms_* Jasper.

JASPER: Fine. I'm sorry I used my powers and made you spooge in your panties.

EDWARD: I don't wear panties!

EMMETT: Are they thong or bikini cut?

EDWARD: I do not wear panties, I wear briefs!

JASPER: You wear tighty whiteys!? *_giggles insanely_*

EDWARD: Because… Shut up!

ESME: Boys, I've decided that the three of you need to start getting along. You're all going out tonight and doing something _together_.

EMMETT: What like, _together_, together?

ESME: I'm serious, boys.

EMMETT: Ugh. Fine then. What would you have us do? We don't exactly share a common interest.

ESME: What's something that teenagers around here do?

CARLISLE: There's a new dance club in town. One of my patients was telling me about it.

JASPER: Dancing? I like dancing! Can we go, Emmett? *_wraps arms around Emmett's neck_* Pleeeaaase?

EMMETT: Sure. It sounds like fun.

EDWARD: What happened to doing something we'll all enjoy? I'm not going to enjoy it. I don't dance.

ESME: You'll learn, Edward. Go.

EDWARD: But-

EMMETT: You don't have to dance, just come with us and chill. God knows you need to chill more.

EDWARD: Fine. For an hour. And then we're leaving.

ESME: *_gives Edward a stern look, tapping her arm with her fingers*_

EDWARD: Fine! Two hours then!

ESME: This isn't a punishment Edward! Stop treating it like one!

EDWARD: You're sending me off with those two idiots and you're telling me it's not a punishment!?

EMMETT: Fuck you, then! Go be a fucking asshole on your own. *_leaves the room, Jasper follows him_*

ESME: You will apologize right now.

EDWARD: Apologize for what, what did I- Oh. I called him stupid.

CARLISLE: And as we all discovered with the Rosalie break-up fiasco, we don't call Emmett stupid. Ever. My walls can only take so much.

EDWARD: Fine. I will go out with them, and I'll go apologize. *_under breath_* Fuck my life…

_He goes upstairs to Emmett's room. Emmett is sitting on his bed, Jasper is beside him._

EMMETT: *_sees Edward in the doorway* _Can I help you, dicknose?

EDWARD: Fine. I deserved that. I'm sorry. And I would be honoured to hang out with you two tonight.

EMMETT: _*cracks a smile_* Now I know you're lying.

EDWARD: *_smiles a little_* So what's this place called?

JASPER: Little Tokyo.

EDWARD: Okay…

JASPER: It's one of these places: *_pretends to spin a record, makes beatbox sound_* Untz, untz, untz…

EDWARD: It's like a techno club?

EMMETT: More like a scene joint.

EDWARD: And what the hell is 'scene'?

JASPER: We don't really know. I think it's like emo, but more colourful.

EDWARD: Sure…

JASPER: Yeah! It's like you, only rainbow coloured!

EDWARD: I resent that. I'm not emo.

EMMETT: Do you listen to any one of the following: Death Cab For Cutie, The Used, or MCR?

EDWARD: All of them, why?

EMMETT: You're emo.

JASPER: The only thing that would make you more emo is the great big black rimmed glasses and the long side swept bangs.

EMMETT: The eyeliner, the eyeliner. Can I dress you up for the club?

EDWARD: No! You're lucky I even agreed to this in the first place!

JASPER: *_gasps_* I wanna Manic Panic my hair! Electric Flamingo! Electric Sky! Purple Haze! *_gasps again_* And Vampire Red!

EDWARD: I thought you wanted me to be seen in public with you.

JASPER: Alright, fine. Just Electric Flamingo.

EDWARD: Must you?

JASPER: Mhm! I love being different!

EDWARD: Oh, you're different…

EMMETT: I could wear my Apple Bottom jeans…

EDWARD: You wouldn't!

EMMETT: I might.

EDWARD: You have those?

JASPER: Yeah, they're really cute! The pockets look like apples.

EDWARD: You have girl's jeans?

EMMETT: *_glances down at Edward's pants_* Nice skinny jeans. Emo kid.

EDWARD: Shut up in ya face! *_laughs_*

EMMETT: What?

EDWARD: How long do you girls need to get dolled up?

EMMETT: Hour. Max.

EDWARD: You _are _frickin' girls.

_An hour and twelve minutes later… Emmett is wearing eyeliner, an orange fishnet shirt, ripped jeans, and black combat boots. Jasper is wearing blue jeans, a tokidoki shirt, hot pink streaks in his hair, bright orange high tops, and a fedora. Edward looks like an emo._

EDWARD: You both look like a rainbow threw up.

JASPER: *_tips his hat* _Thanks.

EMMETT: *_to Edward_* You look like Pete Wentz.

EDWARD: This ain't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race. Okay, can we go now!

EMMETT: If it'll make you less chagrined to do this, Edward, the cover charge is on me.

EDWARD: Good. Thank you.

EMMETT: Cool. We're taking my car.

EDWARD: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't think so.

EMMETT: And what's wrong with Sally?

EDWARD: You just answered your own question.

EMMETT: Too good for my car?

EDWARD: No, it's just so… Effeminate.

JASPER: We can go in my car!

EDWARD: Fine, we're taking Sally!

EMMETT: I win!

_They all head back downstairs._

ESME: Oh, you all look wonderful! You have to let me take a picture!

EDWARD: Mom, what are you- *_groans_*

ROSALIE: You look like a pride parade!

JASPER: We are proud!

EDWARD: I'll have none of your pride, thank you. I have a girlfriend.

CARLISLE: *_giving them the thumbs up_* You guys look awesome.

BELLA: _*laughing_* Have fun dancing, Edward.

EDWARD: I said I'd go. I never agreed to dancing!

BELLA: Well, what else are you going to do? You can't drink!

EMMETT: Hmm…

_Esme gets a quick picture, they say goodbye and head out to Sally. _

_*_

**Thanks for reading! Please review, or we'll make Edward dance with you. And that would just be really... really... awkward.**


	21. Act 21: All Around The Club

**DISCLAIMER: We don't own Twilight! If we did, we wouldn't be writing crackfic about it! This would have BEEN Twilight in the first place! You betta believe! lol**

**And thanks for being awesome readers, and leaving such wonderful reviews! *gives thumbs up* SQUEE! 3**

**----------------**

ACT TWENTY ONE: ALL AROUND THE CLUB, WE ROCK THE CHATEAU

_They enter the club. Tres Cool by Jupiter Rising is playing. Jessica, Angela, Eric, Tyler and Mike are there, as well as a few other randoms._

EDWARD: Oh, god, kill me.

JASPER: Oh, don't be silly. We can't die! You're stuck with us forever.

EDWARD: Not if I leave.

EMMETT: You can't leave. It'll make mom cry.

EDWARD: Ugh. Let's just do this.

JESSICA: Oh my god, are those Cullens?

TYLER: What are they doin' here?

MIKE: Jesus, Emmett is so gay.

ERIC: Just don't call him a big dumb gay ape this time, please, or your head might end up in a speaker.

EDWARD: So, now what?

_Spaceman by Bif Naked comes on the speakers._

JASPER: *_gasps_* I love this song! *_grabs Emmett's arm_* Dance with me!

EMMETT: I would love to.

EDWARD: I'm just going to stand over here, and blend into the wall. Maybe no one will talk to me then. *_watching Emmett and Jasper dance_* Well, that is rather cute. Gay, but cute.

_Some random ditzy scene girl comes up to Edward._

EDWARD: *_under breath_* No such luck…

GIRL: Hi, I'm Whitney. You're cute!

EDWARD: Um. That's nice. Thank you?

WHITNEY: Wanna dance?

EDWARD: No.

WHITNEY: Why?

EDWARD: I have a girlfriend.

WHITNEY: *_looks around* _I don't see one.

EDWARD: She's at home, with my unborn child.

WHITNEY: Will one of your friends dance with me then?

EDWARD: No. They're together.

WHITNEY: *_looks confused* _What do you mean?

EDWARD: *_points_* They're _together_.

WHITNEY: *_looks over at them, they're kissing* _Oh, ew.

EDWARD: *_shooing her away_* Move along…

WHITNEY: *_stares blankly for a minute_* Kay. *_bops away, twirling her hair*_

EDWARD: Stupid humans.

JASPER: You think your girlfriend is stupid?

EDWARD: *_jumps_* Jesus! No… just every other human.

JASPER: So you think Charlie's stupid?

EDWARD: None in my family! Where'd Emmett go?

JASPER: He got an idea, he said he'd be right back.

EDWARD: This won't be good…

JASPER: *_sees Emmett coming back_* Why is he carrying a beer?

EDWARD: Oh, you've got to be kidding me. He doesn't seriously think…

JASPER: Why do you have a beer?

EMMETT: I'm gonna drink it.

EDWARD: We can't imbibe alcohol, genius.

EMMETT: How do you know, have you ever tried?

EDWARD: Well, no, but…

EMMETT: Well I'm going to find out then!

EDWARD: I… don't recommend that, Emmett. We don't know what it would do to us.

EMMETT: What is it going to do to me, Edward? Kill me? Like I'm going to die of alcohol poisoning. Seriously Edward, use your head.

EDWARD: Use MY head? You're the one who wants to try to get drunk!

EMMETT: The worst that's going to happen is my body will reject it and I'll puke. Big whoop, I'll throw up.

JASPER: More than likely, the venom in our bodies will absorb and evaporate it.

EMMETT: That being said, bottoms up! *_chugs the beer*_

JASPER: So…?

EDWARD: Well he's not dead. That's a plus. I think…

EMMETT: If you think I'm going to be drunk after one beer, you are sadly mistaken, my friends.

JASPER: Will you buy me a drink, honey?

EMMETT: Uh huh. What do you want?

JASPER: Something pink.

EDWARD: You don't like human food. What makes you think you'll like human drink?

JASPER: I won't know 'til I try it.

EMMETT: Kay, something pink for you. Do you want something Edward?

EDWARD: No. Just call me the D.D.

EMMETT: Alright! You rock, Eddie.

EDWARD: Gimme your car keys, Emmie.

EMMETT: Fine. *_hands over keys*_

_Emmett goes to the bar and gets himself another beer, and Jasper a Cosmo._

EDWARD: Do you secretly want to become a girl, Jasper?

JASPER: No. I love my penis.

EDWARD: I'm happy for you.

EMMETT: *_returns_* Here you are, my love.

JASPER: Ooh! Pink!

EDWARD: That's all well and good, but you're probably going to take one sip and go 'bleh'.

JASPER: _*takes a sip* _Pink bleh. Oh well. _*takes another sip*_

EMMETT: Babe, if you don't like it, you don't have to drink it, you know.

JASPER: It's okay. It's not that bad.

EMMETT: Is this 'Jump Around'? SWEET! *_starts to jump up and down*_

EDWARD: I'm out… *_goes for a walk*_

_15 to 20 minutes later, Emmett and Jasper have disappeared. Edward is searching for them. He checks outside, and finds them around the back._

EDWARD: What are you- *_sees them passing a joint*_

EMMETT: *_takes a hit_* Want some? *_offers it*_

EDWARD: Are you out of your mind?

JASPER: *_ear to ear grin_* Yeah. Yeah.

EMMETT: Come on, Eddie, loosen up. You've done it before…!

EDWARD: Not by choice!

EMMETT: Well now I'm giving you the choice.

EDWARD: Fine. *_takes the joint_*

EMMETT: Alright. You finish that one, and I'm going to roll another one.

EDWARD: *_toking_* Where did you get this anyway?

JASPER: We could tell ya… And then we'd have to kill ya. Yeah.

EDWARD: *_starting to get high_* You think I'm gonna tell mommy on you?

EMMETT: You might… You are that much of a douche…

EDWARD: You're right… I am a douche. *_starts laughing insanely*_

EMMETT: A stoned douche. You're so high you just called yourself a douche.

EDWARD: *_still laughing_* I did. Heh.

EMMETT: So… *_takes a toke, passes it to Jasper* _Eddie. Do you regret comin' out with us?

EDWARD: Uhh… *_has perpetual smile on his face, due to copious herbage_* No. _*takes joint from Jasper, tokes_* You guys rock. So you guys gonna tell me where you got this from, or what? Did you get it from Jacob? *_laughs*_

JASPER: *_snickers* _

EMMETT: No… Wrong native.

EDWARD: You know other natives? Did you get it from Billy Black?

JASPER: I don't think he'd approve.

EMMETT: I'll cut you a deal. If we tell you… You gotta let me go over there and make out with my boyfriend. And not be all, you know… 'You' about it.

EDWARD: Umm… *_points to the joint_* Can I have the rest of that?

EMMETT: Yeah.

EDWARD: Well then, yeah. Go forth and *_blows out smoke_* prosper. Yeah.

EMMETT: Sweet.

_Emmett takes Jasper, pins him up against the wall. They start to kiss and touch each other. They start to rub up against each other and are moaning rather loudly against each other's mouths. Edward glances over at them and sees Emmett kissing Jasper's neck. Jasper is writhing and moaning like a girl. Edward makes a face and goes back to his joint. It isn't long before both boys… Finish. _

EMMETT: Jesus… *_playing with Jasper's shirt_* I think we should go home.

EDWARD: *_raises hand_* Not before you tell me… where you got this beautiful herbage.

JASPER: Mm… Tell him. *_nuzzling Emmett's neck_* …So we can go home.

EMMETT: Sam Uley.

EDWARD: He is one awesome dog!

_They head home. When they get home, it's late. Everyone is already in bed. Jasper and Emmett are making out up the stairs to Emmett's room. Edward makes his way to his room. He sees Bella sleeping half naked. He climbs on top of her. _

BELLA: Edward? Do you have any idea what time it is?

EDWARD: It's sexy time.

BELLA: What?

EDWARD: Sexy time… *_starts kissing her, pushes her panties aside_*

BELLA: Oh… Okay, then…

_In Alice's room, she's already passed out because she already knew what was going to happen a long time ago. Yes, she's a pervert. Heh._

_Meanwhile, in Carlisle and Esme's room…_

CARLISLE: Sounds like the children are home… and having fun.

ESME: Aww, you wanna have fun, do you, Carlisle? Alright. *_climbs on top of him_*

CARLISLE: Really?

ESME: Mhm. *_takes off her robe, she is wearing sexy nurse lingerie*_

CARLISLE: *_completely turned on_* I like it…

ESME: Well good. *_starts to pwn him*_

*

_The morning after, or rather, afternoon… Rosalie and Alice are sitting at the kitchen table. Esme is making coffee for Bella. Bella walks down the stairs, her hair in complete disarray, and she's wearing a robe._

ALICE: Hee!

ROSALIE: What happened to you?

BELLA: *_trying to smooth down her crazy sex hair_* Um… Edward?

ROSALIE: Really? I didn't think he had it in him.

BELLA: Three times…

ALICE: Damn! Go Edward!

EDWARD: *_coming down the stairs_* Bluh?

ROSALIE: Apparently, you're a regular Casanova.

EDWARD: Heh.

EMMETT: *_rubbing side of face_* You're what?

ROSALIE: A Casanova.

EDWARD: Three times! *_grinning*_

EMMETT: Right on. High five!

BELLA: I'm right here…

EMMETT: High five to you too!

ALICE: Where's Jasper?

EMMETT: Still sleeping. I think I wore him out.

EDWARD: Where's dad?

ESME: Sleeping. I think I wore him out.

EDWARD: Aww, ew. Alright fine, I'll let this one slide. Just this once, cuz I'm in a good mood.

ESME: *_sarcastically_* Why thank you Edward, you're so kind.

_Twenty minutes pass and Jasper lumbers down the stairs._

ROSALIE: Well good morning, sunshine. Nice to see you at the crack of *_checks watch* _4:35 in the afternoon.

JASPER: *_yawns, fingers curled in his wild and crazy sex hair_* Fuck you…

ROSALIE: I think Emmett got there first.

JASPER: *_holds out hand_* This many. Well, to be fair, *_holds out three fingers_* This many for me. *_holds out two fingers_* This many for him.

ROSALIE: Oh. Ew.

EMMETT: *_smug_* Don't knock it 'til you try it.

ROSALIE: Alright. I'm gonna go now.

ESME: I'm going to go try wake your father up. He's _still _in bed…

BELLA: I'm gonna go have a shower…

EDWARD: Want help?

BELLA: I… Sure.

_They all exit._

ALICE: So Jasper. Tell me all about it!

EMMETT: No!

ALICE: Well, fine. If you won't tell me… Can I join?

EMMETT: What?

ALICE: Well, why not? I mean… He was mine first, and besides, he's not like you. He still likes girls.

EMMETT: But I don't! Ew! And… No!

ALICE: *_points to Jasper* _Why don't we let him decide? Jasper? And keep in mind, I let you be with Emmett without a single complaint. *_smiles cheerfully_*

JASPER: Um… *_looks over at Emmett, who looks upset_* I'm sorry, but… No.

ALICE: Oh, boo. *_slumps in her seat_* Why not?

JASPER: Because… *_mumbles_*

ALICE: What?

JASPER: Because I'm… *_mumbles again_*

ALICE: What?!

JASPER: BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM!

ALICE: Oh. *_sighs_* I see. Well, okay.

JASPER: You mad at me?

ALICE: No. *_gets a glimmer in her eye_* When you guys get married can I plan the wedding?

EMMETT: Nope. She's not mad.

JASPER: Eh. We'll let you know.

ALICE: *_jumps for joy_* Yay!

EMMETT: Come on, Jasper, let's go get dressed.

_They go upstairs._

JASPER: That's not the first time she's asked that.

EMMETT: Oh?

JASPER: Uh-uh. The first time she asked I said I'd think about it.

EMMETT: *_not exactly thrilled* _What changed your mind?

JASPER: The first time you said 'I love you.'

EMMETT: *_pulls Jasper into a hug* _I do love you.

JASPER: Love you too. I would never have said yes anyway.

EMMETT: *_kisses his temple_* Mine forever.

JASPER: And a day!

*

**Thanks for reading! And don't forget... Review, or Alice will cost you a fortune in wedding costs. :P**


	22. Act 22: Nothing, Nothing, Tra La La

**DISCLAIMER: Yeah, yeah, SMeyer owns Twilight. We know it. You know it. She knows it. Tra la.**

**OK SO. We have a new fun and exciting pairing for you! Bricks. You'll shit them! **

**And just to further clarify... OUR VAMPERS CAN SLEEP, GET DRUNK, GET HIGH, AS WELL AS BE ABSOLUTELY AWESOME. And in some cases.... Fucking weird kids. *cough*Jasper*cough*. So yeah. If you don't like that fact or can't seem to wrap your head around it, STOP READING. Just sayin'.**

**That said, a great big hug and thank you to all our loyal fans. Thank you for your support. We're glad you enjoy this madness so much. You guys ROCK. ^_^**

**--------**

ACT TWENTY TWO: NOTHING, NOTHING, TRA LA LA

_Emmett and Jasper are heading out to buy weed from Sam when they hear Alice and Rosalie conversing in the kitchen. They hide around the corner to listen in._

ALICE: Well, what about one of the boys at school?

ROSALIE: Yeah. Like I'm going to date one of them. I'd sooner date a shoe.

JASPER: *_whispers to Emmett_* Well, it's too bad Edward's with Bella. He does look like a foot.

EMMETT: *_snorts_*

ALICE: Well is there anyone you're interested in?

ROSALIE: I don't know. I like muscle.

EMMETT: Really? *_stumbles out from the corner, falls down*_

ROSALIE: Obviously, I liked you. You're all muscle.

EMMETT: *_stands up, brushes himself off_* I know a guy.

JASPER: You do? What guy? There's another guy?

EMMETT: No! For her!

JASPER: Oh. What guy?

EMMETT: _*to Rosalie_* Would you go for dark hair, tan skin, and muscle?

ALICE: Ooh, a native boy, Rosalie! You should go for it!

ROSALIE: _*being surprisingly compliant_* Sure. Are you going to see him now?

EMMETT: Actually, yes.

ROSALIE: Let's go, then.

JASPER: She's coming with us?

ROSALIE: I know what you're doing. You're buying your weed from them. I'm not stupid. And no, I'm not going to tell mom. I'm not Edward.

JASPER: He can't tell mom. If he tells mom, he's a big hypocrite.

EMMETT: *_growing impatient_* Can we go? Sam is waiting.

_They leave and head to La Push. As they're walking, they hear "Hey, Emmett! Hey, Jasper!"_

ROSALIE: Emmett, I swear to god, if that's the one… I'm going to kill you.

EMMETT: What? No, I'm not setting you up with Thomas!

ROSALIE: You know it?

EMMETT: Yeah. And here, I'll be extra special nice to you. You walk with Jasper, I'll take him to Sam.

ROSALIE: Thank god.

JASPER: You have no idea.

ROSALIE: Oh?

JASPER: We were out here for like, an hour, listening to this story about like zombie fry bread… it was freaky, man.

ROSALIE: Why does he look like that?

JASPER: Dunno. But it scares the crap outta me.

*

EMMETT: Come on, Thomas, help me find Sam.

THOMAS: Oh, okay, Emmett. Hey, Emmett! Who's the blonde? She's really pretty, innit? Hey, do ya think she likes fry bread?

EMMETT: No. It's carbs. She's on a diet.

THOMAS: Oh. Well, it's too bad. She's missin' out on the best fry bread in the-

EMMETT: I know! I know, Thomas. I'll let her know. Now take me to your Sam.

_They meet up with Sam. Jared and Jacob are with him._

SAM: Why do ya always gotta be so annoying, Thomas? Go, before ya scare away my business, eh?

_Thomas smiles, walks away. Sam and Emmett do business._

EMMETT: Jacob! *_throws arm around him_* The other man I wanted to see! Let's walk, let's talk.

JACOB: *_taken by surprise* _Um… Okay…? What do you want?

EMMETT: Do you like blondes?

JACOB: Sure. Why?

EMMETT: Wanna date one?

JACOB: Which one? Wait… It's a girl, right?

EMMETT: Yes, Rosalie is a girl. I know. Trust me.

JACOB: Rosalie? You're kidding me right? You're yanking my chain!

EMMETT: You're lucky Jasper's not here, he'd be all over that chain bit. You know, leashes, and the like.

JACOB: Mm. I'm surprised he's not.

EMMETT: He's back there with Rosalie.

JACOB: *_eyes widen_* She's here?

EMMETT: You'll be fine. Just… Here. *_takes out Jacob's ponytail, and unbuttons Jacob's shirt_* There. She'll love you.

JACOB: Did I just get Queer Eye'd?

EMMETT: Yes.

_Rosalie and Jasper are heading towards Emmett and Jacob. Jacob's back is towards them so Rosalie can't see who it is yet._

ROSALIE: Why am I suddenly regretting the decision to do this?

JASPER: Trust, Rosalie, trust. If I know Emmett, and I do, it's going to be epic.

EMMETT: Hey! *_waves them over*_

_Jacob turns around._

ROSALIE: Oh. My. God.

JASPER: Holy crap. Okay, well he's not hideous.

ROSALIE: No…

JASPER: He's a very nice looking dog. With a six pack. Not as nice as Emmett's, but it's not without it's charm.

JACOB: Um, hi. I'm Jacob Black.

ROSALIE: Bella's friend Jacob? _You're _Bella's Jacob? She chose Edward over you!

JACOB: I know! I've been reiterating that fact since day one!

EMMETT: You know what's funny. She tried to hit on Edward. And he totally shot her down. For Bella.

JACOB: Okay. I had the hots for Bella. But if it's between her *_gestures towards Rosalie* _and Bella, no contest!

EMMETT: Rosalie for the win?

JACOB: Uh huh!

JASPER: Okay, okay, mutt. Stop panting before you drool.

ROSALIE: I just don't get it. She had the choice between this… And that marshmallow I call my brother!

JASPER: *_snorts_* Vampire marshmallow. *_in Bela Lugosi voice* _I vant to suck your s'mores! Bleh! Blehhh!

ROSALIE: Oh my god, you're retarded.

JASPER: Bleh!! *_puts arms over face, waves arm at her and hisses*_

ROSALIE: What kind of vampire are you supposed to be?

JASPER: Dunno. Ask dad. He hates them.

JACOB: So, um… *_rubs the back of his neck*_

EMMETT: I got an idea. Why don't we all like, double date? It'll be more comfortable, you know, ice breaker date…

JACOB: I'm gonna double with a gay couple?

JASPER: I think I could fix that for ya. Wait… Do they let pets in restaurants?

JACOB: *_sneers_*

ROSALIE: Allow me. *_whaps jasper up the side of the head*_

JASPER: Hey!

JACOB: Wow, that was awesome. I like you even more.

ROSALIE: If I could blush, I would.

JACOB: _*to Jasper_* Wait… How are you going to fix that? How are you going to _not _be a gay couple?

JASPER: Oh, I can fix that.

EMMETT: *_realizes what Jasper's implying_* Really? Oh… that's hot.

JACOB: What the…?

ROSALIE: *_pinches between her eyes* _Oh, no…

JACOB: What?

ROSALIE: You don't go to our school. You missed out on 'Jasmine'.

JACOB: Jasmine? Who's that?

JASPER: *_in Jasmine voice* _My name… is Jasmine.

JACOB: Um…

EMMETT: Our school had Gender Bender Day.

JACOB: Oh yeah. I gave Bella some of my clothes for that.

ROSALIE: *_sighs_* Let me put it for you this way. When he *_points to Jasper_* dresses up as Jasmine, you can't tell he's a boy anymore. It's frightening.

JASPER: Yeah. No one knew it was me. I got hit on. A lot. By a boy.

EMMETT: Yeah. Tyler. Thought he was gonna get lucky. Idiot.

ROSALIE: Yeah. You're the lucky man that got to take 'her' home.

JACOB: But aren't you gay?

ROSALIE: Mmm. Yes he is. Just don't ask questions. Accept it and walk away. So, Emmett? Where's this great date gonna be? He's the only one of us that eats. That's going to look… Interesting.

EMMETT: We could go to the drive in.

JACOB: Oh yeah! We have one of those, don't we! What's playing, anyone know?

EMMETT: Well, I'd like to see Little Ashes. I think that's playing.

ROSALIE: You want to see a docudrama about a painter? Isn't that a little… Never mind.

JASPER: That's the one with the guy with the little moustache! Yeah, that looks funny!

ROSALIE: Jasper, a DRAMA. Funny? No.

JASPER: *_picks a piece of his hair and pulls it under his nose_* I grew this moustache! *_starts dancing like Dali_* See? Funny!

ROSALIE: Fine. What's the other one?

EMMETT: Adventureland…

ROSALIE: Which is?

EMMETT: Somethin' about the 80's… Kids working at a theme park… Supposed to be funny.

JACOB: Sounds good to me.

ROSALIE: Alright. We're gonna go get ready. Just come to our place in about an hour or so and we'll go in my car.

JACOB: Sounds good. Um… See you later. Uh… Where do you live?

EMMETT: Oh, right. *_gives Jacob the address*_

JACOB: See you soon. *_gives Rosalie a peck on the cheek*_

*

_Back at the Cullens', everyone is gathered upstairs. _

ALICE: Ooh! She's got a date!

BELLA: *_pops french fry into mouth_* With who?

EMMETT: Jacob.

BELLA: *_squeezes ketchup bottle too hard, ketchup dumps all over her fries_* WHAT!?

EMMETT: I set her up with Jacob.

BELLA: *_gets up_* THANK YOU! *_wraps arms around Emmett*_

EMMETT: Umm… *_rubs her back_* You're… welcome?

BELLA: Now he'll stop bothering me! To have puppies! Thank you!

EMMETT: Um… Don't wanna know, but you're welcome.

EDWARD: *_just walked into the room_* What about puppies?

EMMETT: *_puts hands up in the air_* I dunno. She's just ecstatic I set Rosalie up with Jacob.

EDWARD: Really. She went for it?

EMMETT: Yeah, man. You shoulda seen her. She'd have been drooling if she could.

ROSALIE: Shut up, Emmett. And by the way, Bella. You picked this *_points to Edward_* over that! Have you seen Jacob with his shirt off? My god, woman! As far as a body goes, he comes in second after Emmett!

EDWARD: Hey!

EMMETT: I'm still number one!

BELLA: Seriously? Jacob's ripped?

ROSALIE: Uh huh.

JASPER: Uh huh!

BELLA: Well. He's still annoying.

JASPER: *_to Edward_* You're a marshmallow.

EDWARD: Okay, what?

JASPER: A marshmallow. You are one.

EDWARD: Why…?

JASPER: You are compared to one. Physically.

EDWARD: Really? Well you're not exactly what one calls buff either, Jasper! You're pretty scrawny.

JASPER: Actually, I'm wiry. *_takes off shirt_* Yet toned.

EMMETT: Unf.

EDWARD: Why would you have had to work out?

JASPER: I was in the civil war. We had to have a certain fitness level. You know, to tote the guns, the bombs, the bazookas…

EMMETT: You didn't have a bazooka!

JASPER: Well, I could have! I had to be prepared in case they gave me one!

EMMETT: They didn't have bazookas in the civil war! …Did they?

JASPER: I dunno. We had pointy guns.

EDWARD: You had a bayonet, Jasper. Why would they even give you a weapon?

JASPER: Everyone got a weapon!

EDWARD: How did we win the civil war, with people like you fighting in it, I will never know. My country never ceases to amaze me. I mean, look at George Bush.

EMMETT: Well, we've upgraded since then. I mean, O Bomb.

EDWARD: Yes, it's men like him that wouldn't allow men like him *_points to Jasper_* fight in a war! Thank god!

JASPER: They let me touch a grenade!

EDWARD: …I… have… no words…

JASPER: I've killed people.

EDWARD: No you haven't!

JASPER: *_serious tone_* Yes I have. I've murdered people. With my pointy gun! And then I got turned. That was a party! Not really.

EMMETT: Yeah, well. *_puts arm around him_* No more bad things for you. Only good.

JASPER: Like platypi?

EMMETT: *_groans_* I thought you'd have forgotten about that by now…

JASPER: Nope! I want one. I love them. My birthday's coming up…

BELLA: Your human birthday, or your vampire birthday?

JASPER: My human one. I don't celebrate my vampire birthday.

BELLA: How old _are _you?

JASPER: Don't you know you're not supposed to ask a lady their age?

BELLA: Okay, fine, don't tell me!

EMMETT: He's a hundred sixty-six.

JASPER: But I don't look a day over seventeen!

EMMETT: Jasper… Weren't you gonna get all dolled up for tonight?

JASPER: Oh yeah! *_runs to his room*_

BELLA: Is he… gonna?

EMMETT: Yeah. God that's so hot.

EDWARD: Well. Jacob's gonna have puppies when he sees that.

BELLA: As long as _I'm_ not having puppies, that's all that matters!

JASPER: *_hollers from his room_* Alice! I need a dress!

ALICE: Ooh! I know just the one! Do you need shoes? *_chases after him_*

_In Jasper's room… Alice is doing up the back of the dress. Jasper is looking out the window. He sees a monstrous beige van in the driveway with wood paneling on the side and tinted windows with teal curtains._

JASPER: What's that… *_eyes widen_* Emmett, there's a pedo van in the driveway!

EMMETT: What?

BELLA: Oh, that's Jacob's. That's his van.

EMMETT: He drives a pedo van?

EDWARD: *_snorts_* That's rich.

EMMETT: You drive a Volvo. Don't be too smug.

_Jacob knocks on the door._

EMMETT: *_shouts_* It's open!

_Jacob comes in._

JACOB: Wow, your house is beautiful. Your parents home?

EDWARD: No, dad's still at work and mom's at her book club.

JACOB: Cool.

ROSALIE: Hi, Jacob. You look nice.

_Jacob is wearing dress pants, a partially undone white dress shirt with a black tie hanging around it, and his hair is down._

JACOB: Thanks. You look beautiful.

_Rosalie is wearing a pair of dark jeans, and long shiny gold shirt with a black belt around the waist._

EMMETT: *_checks watch_* Well, we'll be able to get out of here as soon as Jasper's done looking hot.

JACOB: He's seriously doing it?

ROSALIE: Mhm. You'll either be impressed, or terrified. Or both.

JASPER: *_from the top of the stairs, in Jasmine voice_* Alright, I'm ready!

_Jasper is dressed as Jasmine. He is wearing a little purple sundress with flowers along the bottom. He's wearing a pair of black flats and a little black jacket._

JACOB: *_gaping_* Jesus christ.

EMMETT: Oh, wow.

JACOB: If you're gay, how can you find that hot?

EMMETT: I dunno. Call it a kink. I have a Jasper-as-a-girl fetish. What do you want?

JACOB: Alright… Not gonna ask. *_to Rosalie_* Shall we?

*

**Thanks for reading! Please review, or you'll have to date 'Jasmine'. Oh wait, that's not really a threat, is it? =D**


	23. Act 23: Puppy Love

**DISCLAIMER: Twilight ain't ours. K? K.**

**Thanks for all your awesome reviews! You guys have no idea how much you rock our socks. For srs.**

**Ummm, yeah. What else... Some may not like the pairing we've thrown in here. But it's not like they're the main basis of the story so if you're one of those people, just grab a bucket to hurl in and I'm sure you'll be fine.**

**Blatant references are blatant...**

**KStew bashing is intended as such...**

**And some gratuitous fluff just for shits & giggles.**

**----------**

ACT TWENTY THREE: PUPPY LOVE

_They are all in Rosalie's beamer heading to the drive in. Rosalie and Jacob are in the front. Emmett and 'Jasmine' are in the backseat._

JACOB: Wow. I've never been in a car this nice before.

JASPER: *_mumbling_* No kidding, you drive a pedo van…

JACOB: I drive a what?

JASPER: Pedo van. You open your door and offer little kids candy. You drive a pedo van.

JACOB: Okay first: Ew. Second: Quil's the one that does that.

JASPER: Does what?

JACOB: Imprints on babies.

EMMETT: What the hell is that?

JACOB: It's like finding your soul mate and like, marking them as yours.

JASPER: You pee on people!?

JACOB: NO! It's like… spiritual… marking.

JASPER: Oh. So how do you know when you wanna lift your leg and spiritually pee on someone?

JACOB: I don't… know. When it happens, you know. You know?

JASPER: *_shakes his head, smiling_* No.

ROSALIE: Jasper, could you not be obnoxious for one night?

JASPER: *_thinks for a minute_* No.

ROSALIE: Well, that's your choice. But I'm warning you: Piss me off, and I'm throwing you out of my car. Tuck and roll Jasper. Tuck and roll.

EMMETT: You might want to behave today, Jasper.

JASPER: Well, maybe if I was properly distracted… *_puts a hand on Emmett's thigh*_

EMMETT: Wanna wait until the movie starts?

JASPER: Bleh. You're no fun. *_sticks his tongue out*_

_They pull into the drive in, and park the car. _

JASPER: Isn't this the one where the two guys make out?

JACOB: What?

EMMETT: Maybe.

JACOB: We're seeing a gay movie?

ROSALIE: Well, that explains it. There had to be a reason you wanted to see a docudrama on an artist.

EMMETT: It's a love story. Kind of.

JACOB: Oh, god! It's schmoopy?

JASPER: I wouldn't call tortured buttsex schmoopy.

JACOB: There's buttsex!?

JASPER: Maybe.

ROSALIE: Oh, come on, Jacob. It won't be that bad.

_Little Ashes starts. Everyone is quietly watching the movie, until Salvador Dali steps out. Then everyone bursts out laughing._

EMMETT: Holy crap.

JASPER: It's Edward!

JACOB: That's funny. I'm startin' to like this movie.

ROSALIE: Well isn't this great, we're going to see Edward making out with a guy.

EMMETT: *_laughing_* This is awesome. I can't wait until we get home.

_The scene in which Lorca and Dali kiss comes on the screen. The whole car has a look of disgust on their faces._

JACOB: Aw, eww.

EMMETT: Yeah. Because that guy looks like Edward, this is so not doing a thing for me.

JASPER: This is just… wrong. Especially with the moustache. *_makes moustache with fingers*_

ROSALIE: Well I just hope Edward can kiss better than that guy cuz that guy looks awkward as hell.

_The movie comes to an end. Adventureland starts._

JACOB: Well, shit. That chick looks like Bella.

EMMETT: Well holy damn.

JASPER: Bella's much prettier though.

ROSALIE: Is it just me, or can this chick not act worth a damn?

EMMETT: Yeah, it's pretty bad, actually. Everyone else is okay, but this one kinda fails.

JASPER: Kay. I sat through the first movie without making out with you, Emmett. I'm not sitting through another one!

EMMETT: Oh? *_laughs_* Really?

JASPER: Mhm. *_starts kissing him*_

EMMETT: Mhm…

JACOB: *_looks at Rosalie_* You know… If you wanted to, we could…

ROSALIE: I'm not having my first kiss with you in front of these two bozos.

JACOB: *_chagrined_* Well, okay.

*

_When they all arrive at home, Edward is at the table reading Martha Stewart's Baking Handbook. He glances at the four of them coming in the door._

EDWARD: So, how were your "dates"?

_They all stand there for a few moments silently gawking at Edward. Suddenly, Jasper breaks the silence with his laughter._

EDWARD: What.

JASPER: You made out with a dude.

EDWARD: I beg your pardon?

EMMETT: No really man. You did. And you… Really liked it. A LOT.

EDWARD: Would somebody tell me what the hell you're talking about!?

JACOB: *_scratching back of neck_* The uh… First movie was about this Salvador Dali guy… He looked exactly like you. He was making out with a dude.

ROSALIE: No, seriously. He was like a clone of you. The only difference was he had this ridiculous moustache.

EMMETT: That, and he was taking it up the butt.

JASPER: Unless you do too… *_raising eyebrow_* Do you?

EDWARD: *_waving arms frantically_* Of course I don't! …Why would I do something so vile!

EMMETT: Don't knock it 'til you try it!

EDWARD: I'll… pass, thanks. Do I even wanna know what the other movie was?

JACOB: It was about a bunch of people working in an amusement park. It was pretty funny.

EMMETT: The girl in it looked like Bella. She was fug.

EDWARD: Are you saying my girlfriend is fug?

EMMETT: No! No! Bella's pretty, this chick was fug.

JASPER: I think she may have a touch of the down syndrome.

ROSALIE: She did not have down syndrome! She just couldn't act her way out of a shoebox.

ALICE: *_who has just come downstairs_* Shoes?

ROSALIE: Your baby shoes have more talent than the chick in the movie we just saw.

ALICE: Oh yeah! Your date! So did he kiss you yet?

JACOB: *_raising hand slowly_* I'm… right here…

ALICE: Huh? Oh! Stay with Edward. Rose has to give me all the juicy details!

JACOB: *_chagrined_* Bu… I… She ran off with my date…

EDWARD: *_realizes he's been left alone not only with Emmett and Jasper, but also Jacob. He starts muttering_* …Hate my life…

_Alice drags Rosalie off._

JASPER: Don't you wanna know about our date?

ALICE: *_calling over her shoulder_* I already know about your date! Hee!

EMMETT: PERVERT!

ALICE: *_giggles_* I know! Oh! Don't forget to give me my dress back after you change, Jasper!

JACOB: So… Martha Stewart, huh?

EDWARD: Yes. So? What's your point?

JACOB: No point… I just thought that Bella was supposed to be the housewife.

EDWARD: *_sarcastically_* Ha, ha ha. Very funny.

JASPER: Is that where you got the recipe for lemon flavoured glue?

JACOB: …What?

EMMETT: Oh yeah! Your bundt cake! …Still can't believe you let Bella eat that.

JACOB: You made a bundt cake?

EDWARD: It was for Home Ec!

JACOB: You take Home Ec? Isn't that class for like, girls?

EDWARD: No. In modern days, it is acceptable and more common for men to be helpful in the kitchen.

JACOB: Yeah. Gay men. Those two are gay and you don't see them in the kitchen baking!

EMMETT: Well, no, because we don't eat. Besides, if I made anything besides blood, Jasper would go "bleh".

JASPER: There is one thing I don't mind the smell of. Wait, actually two.

EMMETT: Really? I thought all human food was bleh?

JASPER: I'm not going to eat them, but I enjoy the smell.

EDWARD: It's going to be something absolutely ridiculous, I know it.

JACOB: So, what is it?

JASPER: Fry bread, and marshmallows!

EDWARD: I knew it.

JACOB: You like the smell of fry bread? I'd recommend you not say that in front of Thomas.

EMMETT: Too late.

JACOB: Ugh. Did you have to hear the fry bread story? God, I hate that story… I mean, sure it was great the FIRST time, but after the other ten million… I want to choke him.

EDWARD: Who or what is Thomas?

JACOB: Sam's brother.

EDWARD: Is he as much of a treat as you are, Jacob?

JACOB: Why don't you come by my rez and meet him yourself, Edward?

EMMETT: Yeah… *_laughing to self_* Come with us next time we go. That'll be fun…

*

_A couple hours later, Rosalie comes bursting out of Alice's room and down the stairs._

ROSALIE: Oh my god! She doesn't shut up! Alice needs to get a life!

EMMETT: I'll say… Pervert.

ROSALIE: I'm really sorry Jacob.

JACOB: Don't be. I had a great time bonding with your charming brothers. *_rolls eyes_*

ROSALIE: Oh? *_glances around_* Where? I see Edward, Emmett, and Jasper. Tell me where these charming brothers are, I'd like to meet them.

EMMETT: I'm charming! *_puts arms around Jasper_* I charmed my way into your pants…

ROSALIE: Case and point. And in any case, wouldn't it be more accurate to say you charmed your way up his dress?

EMMETT: Oh yeah! Heh. Kinda like this… *_snaking hand up Jasper's dress, leaning in to kiss him*_

ROSALIE: *_clears throat_* Could you two… Not? If you're going to do that, go upstairs!

EDWARD: I concur!

EMMETT: Yeah… Umkay…Great idea… *_dragging Jasper up the stairs*_

JACOB: Blargh. Still can't believe how much Jasper looks like a girl.

ROSALIE: I know. It's impressive, yet disturbing.

JACOB: Um… *_takes Rosalie's hand_* Wanna go for a walk?

ROSALIE: Yeah. *_gives Jacob's hand a squeeze_* That would be nice.

_As they leave, Edward is humming 'Puppy Love' by Donny Osmond._

*

_It's the evening, and Jacob and Rosalie are walking hand in hand._

ROSALIE: Are we going anywhere in particular?

JACOB: I thought we might go to the park.

ROSALIE: Sure. Never done that before.

JACOB: You've… never been… to a park.

ROSALIE: Not for a date, no.

JACOB: What kind of dates have you been on?

ROSALIE: Well usually we'd just go out to the woods and kill things.

JACOB: *_sarcastically_* Sounds pretty romantic…

ROSALIE: Or we'd stay home and have sex.

JACOB: *_raises an eyebrow, smirks_* Oh really?

ROSALIE: Mind out of the gutter!

JACOB: Relax, I kid, I kid. I'm not a dog.

ROSALIE: Oh?

JACOB: Not that kind of a dog. I don't expect it on the first date. I think any guy who does is a jerk.

ROSALIE: Well aren't you sweet.

JACOB: *_blushes a little_* Thanks.

_They get to the park. It's fairly big with two separate playgrounds. One for little kids, one for bigger kids._

ROSALIE: Parks have changed so much since I was human.

JACOB: What were your parks like?

ROSALIE: Two pieces of rope, a plank and a tree branch.

JACOB: Sounds pretty exciting.

ROSALIE: And the really fancy people had a tire swing.

JACOB: We have a tire swing on the rez!

ROSALIE: Well you must be pretty fancy.

JACOB: Mr. Uley cut it up to make it look like a horse.

ROSALIE: Oh?

JACOB: It's for the kids, not us.

ROSALIE: *_teasing_* Sure. Sure it is… *_sits in a swing*_

JACOB: Hold on tight. *_starts pushing her*_

ROSALIE: Aww, pushing your girl on a swing. You're so cute.

JACOB: *_bashfully_* Thanks. I try… I never really… Um…

ROSALIE: Never really what, sweetie?

JACOB: Um… *_embarrassed_* You're kinda my first girlfriend…

ROSALIE: Oh, come on. Really? Well, I can't imagine it's because you can't get a girl. I mean, look at you.

JACOB: I don't really like any of the girls on the rez. They're all kinda… meh. Well, Leah likes me, but she's… a bitch.

ROSALIE: Funny, that's what most people say about me.

JACOB: What!? You're not a bitch.

ROSALIE: Charlene begs to differ with you.

JACOB: Who's Charlene? She don't know nothin'. If you ask me, she's the bitch.

ROSALIE: *_laughs_* Well, it doesn't matter any more. She's dead now.

JACOB: *_a little worried_* WHAT?

ROSALIE: Yeah. I smashed her with a baseball bat.

JACOB: *_having doubts about this date_* You did WHAT!?

ROSALIE: Oh, relax, it was Emmett's jeep! You actually thought I was talking about a human girl!?

JACOB: *_playing dumb_* No…

ROSALIE: You did!

JACOB: Well, how did I know Emmett's lame enough to name his car?

ROSALIE: *_turns her head up to look at him and raises an eyebrow_* Seriously? Have you met Emmett?

JACOB: Alright, you win. So what'd he call his bug?

ROSALIE: Sally.

JACOB: Sally. Wow.

ROSALIE: Mm. That's nothing. You should see Jasper's car.

JACOB: I'm interested.

ROSALIE: Ever watch the Dukes of Hazzard?

JACOB: Are you kidding? Oh, wow.

ROSALIE: Mm. My brother, the moron.

JACOB: The thing I still don't get is how Emmett would pick him over you.

ROSALIE: Well, he is kinda gay. That's a big factor.

JACOB: But he was straight once, why would he even go gay!?

ROSALIE: *_curls her lip_* Because apparently I'm the "gay maker".

JACOB: Who said that? That's stupid. *_slows the swing, wraps his arms around her_*

ROSALIE: Mike Newton.

JACOB: I've never met that kid and I hate him already. I've heard a few things…

ROSALIE: Yeah, well, I've moved on. *_snuggles against him*_

JACOB: Rosalie?

ROSALIE: Mhm? _*looks up at him*_

_Jacob leans down and gives her a kiss. She smiles and kisses him back. Jacob breaks the kiss, and moves in front of her. He takes her hand and stands her up. He puts his hand on her cheek and starts kissing her again. Rosalie lets out a content sigh, and they continue to kiss._

_*_

**Thanks for reading! If you review, Jacob will be a good dog and fetch the next chapter for you! Ain't that sweet...**


	24. Act 24: What What, In The Butt

**DISCLAIMER: Twilight isn't ours. Be grateful for that fact.**

**OK so....... This chapter gets a tiny wee bit squicky. We are aware that we're probably going to lose at least half of our readers by posting this chapter, if not all of you. lol. We're not even sure WHY we decided to write it. But we did. And we squicked ourselves out by doing so. But for some reason, we felt it necessary to include. LUCKY YOU GUYS! We apologize in advance for all the many years of therapy you're going to have to take.**

**I think that's about it. Oh, and... You guys are AWESOME. :D**

**----------**

ACT TWENTY FOUR: WHAT WHAT, IN THE BUTT

_It's a quiet night in the Cullen house. Everyone, including Jacob, is in the living room watching Bram Stoker's Dracula. Jake and Rosalie have been together for about a month now and are quite happy. Jasper is making a face at Jacob and Bella's bowl of popcorn. Jacob takes the bowl and sets it on Bella's now massive belly. Edward is not amused._

EDWARD: Would you please not use my girlfriend for a table?

JACOB: Oh, lighten up, it's funny!

BELLA: And quite useful. I don't have to hold anything!

JASPER: *_in Emmett's lap, snuggling into his arms, whispering* _He could rest it on Rose's big butt but then she wouldn't be able to see the movie.

EMMETT: *_snickers quietly* _What what, in the butt…

EDWARD: What the hell? Oh come on. He can't be a vampire _and _a werewolf. This is ridiculous.

CARLISLE: He doesn't even sparkle. And he sleeps in a coffin, for god's sake. Research: They did it wrong!

ESME: *_rolls eyes_* It's just a movie, Carlisle.

EMMETT: Whoever thought Keanu Reeves could act is an idiot. And he's not even good looking. It would be better if he didn't say anything and had a bag over his head.

ROSALIE: I'm not really sure, but I think it's safe to say you don't like him!

EMMETT: Um… no. Not really.

ALICE: What actors DO you think are cute?

EMMETT: Um. Jackson Rathbone. Peter Facinelli…

ROSALIE: Jackson R- Oh, the weird high kid in that Senior Skip Day movie you have?

EMMETT: Yeah, he's hot.

JASPER: *_folds arms, pouts_* I'm hotter.

EMMETT: You're jealous of an actor? You're being silly. Besides, I'm sure you think some celebrities are cute.

JASPER: Well… Pete Wentz! And then there's Kellan Lutz. He should never be clothed. Ever…

EMMETT: Oh, really.

JASPER: He kinda looks like you, only tan and blonde.

EMMETT: You'd rather I was tan and blonde?

JASPER: No. If you were tan and blonde, you wouldn't be my Emmett.

EMMETT: Aww. *_gives him a kiss*_

_The movie ends. Everyone is getting up. Alice gets a sudden vision and is really antsy to run upstairs. Carlisle stops them all in their tracks._

CARLISLE: Family, before you all dissipate, I have an announcement.

_They all stop and give Carlisle their attention._

CARLISLE: I have planned a family trip.

ESME: Really? That's wonderful, Carlisle!

EMMETT: Is it someplace tropical, like Hawaii?

BELLA: Oh, that sounds nice…

CARLISLE: Canada.

EDWARD: Canada? What the heck is in Canada?

CARLISLE: Canada's Wonderland.

ESME: You need to elaborate more, Carlisle.

CARLISLE: It's Canada's largest theme park. I thought it would be fun. Besides, I thought it might bring the family together.

ESME: *_shocked, takes a step back* _Are you feeling alright, Carlisle? *_checks his temperature on his forehead*_

CARLISLE: I feel fine, darling. There's been a lot of drama going on as of late, and I thought if we took a family trip it would help us get closer.

ESME: Wow, I am so impressed with you, Carlisle.

CARLISLE: And of course you are welcome to come too, Jacob.

EDWARD: What? Why!?

CARLISLE: Jacob's with Rosalie, Edward. He's part of this family now.

EDWARD: Ugh. Seriously?

JACOB: Really? Thank you so much!

ESME: So when is this wonderful vacation planned for?

CARLISLE: Well, um… Tomorrow… morning? Heh.

ESME: What?!

CARLISLE: I planned this like, a couple weeks ago, but I forgot to tell you. I bought the tickets around the time I bought Halo Wars… Do you see my predicament?

ESME: *_biting back frustration_* That's very… thoughtful of you, Carlisle, what time do we get up?

CARLISLE: Five in the morning. Our flight is at seven.

JASPER: Awww! There's a five in the morning? I thought they got rid of that years ago!

EMMETT: Sorry, Jasper, they didn't blacklist five in the morning.

ROSALIE: *_to Jasper_* Suck it up princess, you can sleep on the plane.

JASPER: *_defiantly sticks tongue out at her*_

ROSALIE: Oh, you're mature.

JASPER: Me? Mature? You lie!

ALICE: *_fibbing_* Well, if we have to get up early, then I'm going to go to bed, I'm plum tuckered out! *_she darts up the stairs*_

JACOB: *_glances at his watch_* It's… seven pm.

ROSALIE: Yeah, I try not to think about what goes on in her head. It's safer that way.

CARLISLE: Alright everyone, you can go.

_Everyone goes their separate ways. Jasper and Emmett go to Jasper's room. Carlisle goes back to the computer room. Surprise! Edward decides to spend quality time with Mommy, while Rosalie, Bella and Jacob sit outside and chat._

_*_

_Up in Jasper's room… They are watching Sorority Boys. Emmett's mind is elsewhere._

JASPER: What are you thinking about? 'Cuz you're totally not watching the movie.

EMMETT: Um. *_embarrassed_* Nothing. Never mind.

JASPER: Oh, no no. *_climbs into Emmett's lap_* I can tell you're lying.

EMMETT: You'll think I'm weird.

JASPER: Think about what you just said: You think I'M going to think YOU'RE weird. My nickname at school is 'fuckin' weird kid!'

EMMETT: Well, okay, maybe not weird but you'll think I'm a perv.

JASPER: I used to date Alice, what's pervier than that!? …And then there's my penis pencil…

EMMETT: *_defeated_* Alright. You win. Just… don't laugh.

JASPER: I won't laugh. Cross my heart.

EMMETT: I want… to… bottom.

JASPER: That's not weird. We've already done that!

EMMETT: But I want you dressed…

JASPER: Dressed as…?

EMMETT: *_looking away_* Jasmine.

JASPER: *_turns Emmett's face back to him, gives him a kiss* _That's not weird. If that's what you want, I'll do it.

EMMETT: Really?

JASPER: Don't you know by now that I'd do anything for you?

EMMETT: You're amazing.

JASPER: Uh huh! I know. Now, close your eyes and wait right here. I'll be right back! _*gives Emmett a quick kiss before going to change*_

*

_Outside, Rosalie is observing a debate going down between Bella and Jacob. She is very much amused._

JACOB: So… Isn't Canada cold? Isn't there like, snow?

BELLA: Not in the summer, Jacob. They have summer.

JACOB: But I thought they lived in igloos? Where do they live in the summer then?

BELLA: They don't live in igloos, Jacob. Just because they're Canadian doesn't mean they live in igloos. That would be like me saying that because you're Native you live in a tepee.

JACOB: So they don't drive around in dogsleds?

BELLA: No, Jacob. What exactly do you think Canada is?

JACOB: Cold. Snowy. They talk funny. Their cops ride horses and wear funny hats.

BELLA: No, they don't!

JACOB: Well, is anything about Canada true? Don't they have rainbow money?

BELLA: Okay, yeah, I'll give you that. But everything else is not true. You're ridiculous.

JACOB: So they don't walk around outside and get snotsicles?

BELLA: Okay, EW, and no.

*

_In Alice's room, she's currently flicking her bean to the vision of what Emmett and Jasper are going to do. 'Nuff said._

_*_

_Edward and Esme are in the kitchen. Edward is helping her clean up from dinner. They finish, and Esme sends Edward upstairs. _

ESME: Could you go upstairs honey and remind the other boys that they need to get up early in the morning? I don't want to fight with Jasper to get him up. I'm going to go remind your father that he has to go to bed and not be on the internet all night.

EDWARD: No problem, mom. *_pecks her on the cheek*_

_Edward heads up the stairs. Esme goes to Carlisle's computer room. She goes in._

CARLISLE: I have the sword of Algaron!

ESME: Carlisle?

CARLISLE: *_not turning around* _THERE IS NO CARLISLE! ONLY THE SWORD MASTER! I AM THE SWORD MASTER!

ESME: Ahh… *_slowly backs out of the room, closing the door behind her. She shakes her head* _Lost cause… Seven children… Seven…

_Edward heads up the stairs to Jasper's room. He hears the movie playing so figures nothing is going on and that it should be safe to open the door. He opens it._

EDWARD: Mom told me to tell- *_a look of horror spreads across his face*_

_Jasper is dressed as Jasmine in a little nightie. He is in full makeup, the wig, the works. Emmett… is underneath him on the bed. Luckily, they don't notice Edward. They are, after all, too busy kissing and having sex. Edward quickly closes the door and goes to his own room._

_*_

_Not much longer afterward, Bella comes into the room and sees Edward sitting on the bed, legs drawn up with his arms wrapped around them. He has a traumatized look on his face._

BELLA: Are you okay, what's wrong with you?

EDWARD: What has been seen cannot be unseen…

BELLA: What on earth are you talking about?

EDWARD: I went… to remind Emmett and Jasper… to go to bed early… _*starts rocking back and forth_* They were doing things… in there… Things that shouldn't be gazed upon… by man nor beast!

BELLA: I'm afraid… to ask…

EDWARD: *_grabs her head and starts stroking her hair, clutching her face close to his chest* _NO! You're an innocent! You shouldn't know the vile things they were thinking! Doing! YOU SHOULD PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON! *_starts crying*_

BELLA: *_not sure what just happened here* _Um, WHAT?

EDWARD: The image will forever be burned into my brain! I need brain bleach!

BELLA: You walked in on them having sex, didn't you?

EDWARD: No. Yes. But it was much worse. Much, much worse.

BELLA: *_confused_* What do you mean, much worse? What did you walk in on some weird bondage thing or something?

EDWARD: I wish. Emmett was on… the bottom. Jasper was.. on top. Dressed… like… a girl.

BELLA: Oh, well that's pretty nor- WHAT!?

EDWARD: WHAT HAS BEEN SEEEEEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEEEEN.

BELLA: Okay, yeah. That's a little weird… But… Um… Why didn't you knock?

EDWARD: They had their TV on. I thought they were watching a movie.

BELLA: Did it not occur to you that they might have that on so that no one could hear them?

EDWARD: *_getting whiney_* What do you want, I'm an idiot, okay?

BELLA: Well, tomorrow, you better keep quiet that you saw them, because if Emmett finds out he might kill you.

EDWARD: *_shivers_* Maybe that would be for the better.

BELLA: Stop being so melodramatic. Let's go to bed.

EDWARD: No. I can't. I'm afraid.

BELLA: Afraid of what?

EDWARD: That if I close my eyes, I'll see it.

BELLA: Oh, my god.

*

**Thanks for reading! Hope it wasn't too bad. lol. Please review, or Edward will never get the therapy he now needs. And wish LadyEmJazz a happy b-day, it's her b-day today! ^_^ And if you happen to stumble across Kellan Lutz, send him to her? Kthxbai.**


	25. Act 25: BRB, Canadazzle

**DISCLAIMER: Twilight isn't ours.**

**Alright. We admit it. We fucked up. So, in a previous chapter, we had Rosalie say "If I could drool, bla bla bla" yet we seem to have Jasper capable of drooling in his sleep. So. We're sorry. And for the record, we've decided they can drool.**

**IN OTHER NEWS... Not good news... Uh... You might wanna sit down. Over the last little while, we've been in the process of moving. This is our last night before we move. It's also potentially the last night we have access to the intarwebz. Which of course means... No updates. :(**

**Now, THIS ISN'T PERMANENT... We shall return, we're just not quite sure when. We're hoping to god that LadyEmjazz's computer comes through and manages to find an intarwebz signal. You may be wondering, "why don't you guys just GET the internet?" See... Therein lies the problem. We're broke ass. Also, there may not be any reception... We're in the middle of buttfucknowheresville! So... yeah. We hope this appeases you for the time being. Thank you all for being such wonderful readers. We'll try not to keep you waiting too long.**

**Without further ado...**

**--------------**

ACT TWENTY FIVE: BRB CANADAZZLE

_It's first thing in the morning, and everyone is starting to wake up. Alice is currently decided on what shoes to bring, Carlisle is trying to sneak his laptop into his suitcase, Rosalie is packing and Jacob is in the shower. Well, he is "human" after all. Bella is downstairs having breakfast and Edward is helping Esme. Emmett and Jasper are still in bed; Emmett having just started waking up and not looking forward to the task of having to wake up Jasper. He wakes up and looks over at Jasper, who is passed out on his stomach, makeup smeared all over his face. _

EMMETT: *_smiles warmly at Jasper, then takes a deep breath_* This isn't going to be fun…

JASPER: *_mumbling_* …Sergeant Fuzzy Boots… Fat and happy and sleeps on my face…

EMMETT: Okay… He's out. Jasper! *_nudges him*_

JASPER: Mmm… I don't even like cake…

EMMETT: Jasper. You gotta wake up.

JASPER: *_starting to drool_* Boo Boo Kitty Fuck…

EMMETT: I… Yeah. Babe, come on. Wake up!

JASPER: *_shifts around_* Mmm… Nooo. *_pulls covers over his head* _Mm… What time is it?

EMMETT: Ten to five.

JASPER: *_whining_* Nooooo! Whyyyyy?

EMMETT: Cuz… We're going on vacation? We have to get on the plane in a couple hours?

JASPER: No… Wanna sleep. Bring me back something nice.

EMMETT: You're coming!

_They hear a knock at the door._

ESME: You boys up?

EMMETT: Um. Working on it?

ESME: I see. *_opens the door* _Wake up, Jasper.

JASPER: *_groans_* Why are you so mean to me…

ESME: I'm hardly being mean. Now wake up! *_starts flicking the light on and off*_

EMMETT: That's not working, he's under the blanket.

ESME: *_walks over to side of bed, clutches blanket_* If you don't wake up this instant, I will pull this blanket off of you.

EMMETT: *_wide eyed_* Whoa! No!

JASPER: Mmm… Doooon't!

ESME: You have until the count of five. One…

EMMETT: Wake up now, I don't need mom to see me naked!

JASPER: *_whines_* Fine! _*throws blanket off of himself_*

EMMETT: Um.

ESME: *_looks away from naked Jasper_* You might want to put on clothes.

JASPER: Huh? *_looks down at his nakedness_* Oh… *_gets up*_

ESME: Just get ready. *_leaves_*

JASPER: Are you coming?

EMMETT: Coming where?

JASPER: Shower… I need one. *_points to makeup covered face and messy sex hair*_

EMMETT: Heh. 'Kay.

*

_In Rosalie's room, Jacob is stepping out of the shower. Rosalie is busy packing._

JACOB: Wish I had a shower in my room. That would be so nice.

ROSALIE: Hm? *_turns head to look at him, sees a very wet Jacob with nothing but a towel around his waist_* Wow…

JACOB: Wh- *_realizes he's practically naked in front of her. He blushes furiously*_

ROSALIE: Little bashful, are we?

JACOB: No… A little… We haven't even done anything and I'm standing here pretty much naked. Not even Bella's seen me with my shirt off.

ROSALIE: You have nothing to be ashamed of. Here, I'm gonna go into the bathroom and get some makeup on, you get dressed.

JACOB: Thanks.

ROSALIE: Maybe after this trip I'll get to see what's under the towel. *_smirks at him, shuts the bathroom door*_

JACOB: Bluh? Um… Heh.

*

_Carlisle is just closing his suitcase, and Esme is facing the opposite direction._

ESME: If you think you're going to bring that computer with you, you're wrong, Carlisle.

CARLISLE: Well I can't very well pack the deskto- How did you-

ESME: Unpack it. Now, Carlisle.

CARLISLE: It's for work.

ESME: You're lying, Carlisle.

CARLISLE: No, really!

ESME: World of Warcraft isn't work, Carlisle!

CARLISLE: I'm not going to be playing World of Warcraft, Esme.

ESME: Warhammer is not work, Carlisle!

CARLISLE: What is the big deal? You're probably going to read on the plane, why can't I be on my laptop?

ESME: Is it really going to kill you to be away from your computer, Carlisle?

CARLISLE: Yes!!!

ESME: If you even _think _about putting that computer in your suitcase, I _will _smash it.

CARLISLE: *_pouts_* Alright, fine. You win, Esme.

ESME: Oh, Carlisle, stop looking like somebody just killed your puppy!

CARLISLE: *_pretending to sniffle_* poor little MacBook…

*

_Bella is having breakfast, and Alice and Edward are packing the rental cars._

ALICE: Why did dad get a rental cars? Why aren't we just taking our normal cars?

EDWARD: *_in snotty tone* _Because Emmett whined about leaving his precious Sally in a car lot.

ALICE: Oh? Well that's understandable, I mean, after what happened with his first vehicle…

EDWARD: Yeah, well… *_starts getting annoyed_* Alice, is it really necessary to bring _this _many shoes? We're only going for three days!

ALICE: *_indignantly_* Yes. I need flip flops in case it's really hot, running shoes in case it's not, dress shoes in case we go somewhere fancy, and I always need my ballet flats! Oh, and you always have to bring a pair of slippers…

EDWARD: Okay! Jeez…

*

_Esme begins to do a head count and yells up the stairs._

ESME: *_shouting_* We are leaving in ten minutes! Everybody better be up and ready to go! Jasper!

JASPER: *_from his room, whiny_* Yeah, I'm ready, hold on…

EMMETT: *_is behind Jasper with his arms around him, kisses the back of his neck_* Mm… Quickies are fun. Now let's go before she starts getting mad.

_As they are walking down the hall…_

JASPER: Emmett…? Do you know what the mile high club is? *_smirks_*

EMMETT: *_grins_* Heh.

*

_They're all packed in the cars and on the way to the airport. Carlisle, Emmett, Jasper, and Alice are in one car, while everyone else is in the other one because it's a van and it fit more. Also because we said so. Rosalie and Jacob are sitting in the middle bench of the van, while Bella and Edward are sitting in the back with the luggage. _

JACOB: _*to Rosalie* _This is so cool. I can't believe I got invited. I can't believe my dad let me go.

ROSALIE: Why wouldn't he?

JACOB: Well, I usually take care of him. It's just us in the house. And well, he doesn't really approve of frivolous luxuries like this. He wants me to appreciate the little things in life, or some junk.

ROSALIE: Well I'm glad he said yes. *_gives him a kiss*_

BELLA: I think this'll be a lot of fun, don't you Edward?

EDWARD: Mhm. *_shifts uncomfortably*_

BELLA: What the hell's wrong with you?

EDWARD: *_grunts_* Something's poking me in the back.

JACOB: *_turns around_* What's poking you in the butt?

EDWARD: In the BACK, genius. Turn around!

JACOB: There's just a whole lot of 'in the butt' at your house, isn't there?

ROSALIE: *_snickers_*

EDWARD: Says the dog.

ESME: Boys, if you can't say something nice to each other then don't say anything at all. Silence is golden.

EDWARD: Fine. WHAT THE HELL IS POKING ME IN THE BACK?!

BELLA: Open the bag and find out!

_Edward opens the bag to find a long sparkly pink phallic shaped object._

EDWARD: What the hell…

BELLA: Oh my god! Who's bag is that?

EDWARD: Oh, it better not be theirs… I swear to god if this belongs to Emmett or Jasper…

ROSALIE: Hm? *_turns_* That's Alice's bag.

JACOB: *_bursts out laughing*_

EDWARD: Aww, that's just…

BELLA: Nasty?

_The car hits a bump, and Edward's hand slips and hit's the dial and turns it on. It starts to vibrate and flop back and forth. He is so startled by it, it ends up hitting him in the face. Jacob and Rosalie are killing themselves laughing. Bella is trying to mask her laughter, and failing._

EDWARD: _*boiling over with rage_* Alice… is so VILE!

BELLA: Here. *_takes it from him, turns it off and puts it away*_

EDWARD: Why… Why… WHY WOULD SHE BRING THAT!?

BELLA: Well, because she's single… And she's…

JACOB: …Pervy Mc. Fap Fap?

BELLA: …Yeah… More or less…

*

_In the other car… Carlisle is blaring Like A Boss by The Lonely Island on the stereo. He's doing the devil horns with one hand rocking out. Alice is riding shotgun, and the boys are in the back._

EMMETT: What the hell are we listening to?

CARLISLE: Like a BOSS!

JASPER: Um… right.

_Alice is oblivious to the conversation, she's too busy reminiscing about the boys' previous night._

EMMETT: *_to Jasper_* She looks happy… I wonder why?

JASPER: Probably thinking about all the Canadian shoes she's going to buy.

EMMETT: What's the difference between Canadian shoes and American shoes?

JASPER: Nothing, really. Just another place to buy shoes. So, when we get to this Wonderland, you gonna win me a prize?

EMMETT: Of course. I'll win you whatever you like.

JASPER: Yay! *_snuggles*_

*

_They all arrive at the airport and are settled on the plane. They are riding first class, because well, Carlisle's fancy and wouldn't have it any other way. And come on, they're Cullens. In one row there are Carlisle's computer, Carlisle and Esme, and behind them are Jacob, Rosalie and Alice. Across from them are Bella and Edward; behind them are Emmett and Jasper._

JACOB: This is _sweeeet._

ROSALIE: Yeah, dad went all out.

ESME: This is wonderful of you Carlisle, I'm very impressed. Even though you bought your computer its own seat…

CARLISLE: I paid extra for empty seats so that we'd be comfortable and not surrounded by other people. It just so happens there was an empty seat beside me, and… well.

ESME: Whatever you say, Carlisle. *_goes back to her book*_

_Bella is having a nap, because she's pregnant. Pregnant girls do that. Edward is reading one of Bella's baby books, entitled 'Motherhood and You'. Emmett is playing his PSP, therefore Jasper is bored. A light switches on… This is never good… And he starts poking Edward in the back of the neck with his penis pencil._

JASPER: Edward. *_poke* _Edward. *_poke* _Edward. *_poke_* Edward. _*poke_* EDWARD. *_poke*_

EDWARD: WHAT?!

JASPER: Hi! *_grins*_

EDWARD: Do you want to live to see Canada?

JASPER: You wouldn't kill me, you'd have to go through Emmett's finger first.

EDWARD: He doesn't seem to be paying attention to you now.

EMMETT: *_not taking his eyes off his game_* Lay a hand on him and I'll punch you in the foot.

EDWARD: What?

EMMETT: Foot, face, same thing. Touch him and I'll punch you.

JASPER: *_smug_* See?

EDWARD: Well, it's clear who wears the pants…

EMMETT: Bella.

EDWARD: What are you trying to say, Emmett?

EMMETT: You knit. Not a man. You tried to bake a bundt cake. Not a man. You do potpourri. NOT A MAN! And I know that you're reading 'Motherhood and You.'

EDWARD: *_moves the book out of view* _You're the one that dates boys.

EMMETT: But I'm not a sissy! Jasper as a girl can bench press more than you.

ALICE: *_listening in_* Oh! *_whispers* _Rosalie. Guess what I saw in a vision last night?

ROSALIE: Well this is always fun. What?

ALICE: Jasper was on top… But he was dressed as a girl.

ROSALIE: Are you kidding me?

ALICE: No! Emmett asked him to!

ROSALIE: What?! _*a little too loud* _Emmett asked him to dress like a girl?

EMMETT: *_to Alice_* How do you know abo- You saw it in your- I can't believe- Pervert!

ALICE: I know! Hee!

EMMETT: *_getting mad_* You had no right. That was private. That was between me and him.

ALICE: You know my visions just happen!

EMMETT: So that gives you the right to pry into other people's privacy. You and I both know damn well you can ignore it.

ALICE: Okay, I'm sorry.

EMMETT: No you're not. If you were sorry, you wouldn't be telling people.

ALICE: I didn't think it was a big deal. I've done it before, and you didn't get mad.

EMMETT: *_fuming_* What.

ALICE: I… Thought you knew that?

EMMETT: No, I didn't, and if you ever do it again, I will burn your shoes.

ALICE: *_gasps_* Not my shoes! You wouldn't dare.

EMMETT: *_folds his arms, stares her down, eyes completely black* _

JASPER: *_cluing in* _Whoa, whoa, hey, Emmett, calm down!

EMMETT: *_through gritted teeth_* I am calm. Would you please tell your ex-girlfriend to stop having visions of us in the bedroom. Last night was none of her business.

JASPER: *_disgusted_* Alice, this is enough. You're gonna stop, and you're gonna stop now.

ALICE: Alright, alright. I promise. I didn't mean any harm…

EMMETT: Well, you caused it.

ALICE: Okay, I said I'm sorry! *_to Rosalie_* God, Emmett is such a bitch!

EMMETT: Oh, I'm a bitch am I? Kiss your Jimmy Choo's goodbye.

ALICE: *_sulks in her chair*_

JASPER: *_holding Emmett's hand, calming him down* _It's okay. *_gives Emmett a kiss_* She's not going to do it anymore. Let's just forget about it and think about the fun trip we're going to have. Maybe I'll try to get you a prize! I'll fail, but at least you'll get a good laugh.

EMMETT: *_starts laughing*_

BELLA: *_startled from her nap_* Bzuh? Bluh…

EDWARD: So… Did you have a nice nap? Must be nice…

BELLA: Mmm… Yeah… What'd I miss?

*

**Thanks for reading! Again, we apologize for the fail that is no internets. We'll try to update as soon as possible. PROMISE. Anyway, please review, and Jasper WON'T poke you in the back of the head with his penis pencil!? ^_^**


	26. Act 26: Blame Canada

********

Even after a 6 month delay... wow that's long... *_both girls look sheepish_* we still don't own Twilight.

Wow ...sorry we took so long. The summer was ... well it was. lol. Well, we're not going to waste your time with what we did with our time in the last 6 months. All you need to know is that here we are with chapter 26! Yay! Same warnings apply as always. They sleep, they drool, they fail. :P

Hope this makes up for the summer! Proceed. ^_^

-------------------

ACT TWENTY SIX: BLAME CANADA!

_After a gruelling flight of about 4 hours, the weary travelers land in Canada. They are met with a most frightening shock._

CARLISLE: *_jumping up_* Ok guys, we're here! Let's get this vacation started!

ESME: *_yanking him back down in his seat_* Hold it! Before you go crazy, look out the window.

_Carlisle opens the window shade. For family safety, they kept them pulled down. A crestfallen look appears on Carlisle's face._

CARLISLE: No! You've got to be kidding me!

_The sun is shining as bright as can be. No, really, they're in Canada, people. The sun is confusing, we know. The rest of the family takes notice and share disappointed gasps and groans._

EMMETT: This is bullshit!

ESME: Language, Emmett!

EMMETT: Sorry mom… But this is bullshit!

ALICE: How am I supposed to buy shoes stuck on this plane!

ROSALIE: *_annoyed_* Perfect!

JASPER: It's the rapture! Duck and cover!!! *_Jasper ducks and covers under Emmett's hoodie*_

EMMETT: Oh, really? This Jasper growth is getting out of hand. I hope it's not malignant.

JASPER: Nope! I'm a benign, confederate, sexy growth!

EMMETT: *_grins_* Actually it's more of a rash.

JASPER: *_sticks out his tongue_*

EMMETT: You know, unless you're going to use it, don't stick it out.

JASPER: Hee! Later! *_winks_*

EMMETT: Heh.

JACOB: I didn't know Canada got sun. I thought it was enveloped in darkness. Like Alaska. Or the moon.

BELLA: *_rolls her eyes at Jacob_* Are you sure you're not _from _the moon?

EDWARD: He's so full of it, I'd say the full moon.

JACOB: Ha. Ha. Funny guy. At least I'm not stuck on this plane.

JASPER: Why not? How can we be stuck but not you! What's your secret! I must knooooowww!

JACOB: *_deadpan_* Woof.

JASPER: Oh right. Wait! Why weren't you in a crate in the luggage hold with all the other pets?

JACOB: When we get off this plane, I'm feeding you to a beaver.

BELLA: A beaver?

JACOB: Yes.

BELLA: A beaver.

JACOB: Well, it's like the most vicious animal in Canada so ...

BELLA: *_clunks head on the seatback in front of her_* Go back to the moon, Jacob.

_While the children are squabbling with each other, Esme is waiting for Carlisle to figure something out._

ESME: Well? We can't sit on this plane forever, Carlisle. People are going to wonder.

CARLISLE: Canada, specifically Ontario, has the worst weather in the free world! The sun shines maybe once a century! And it picks today to be nice?!

ESME: Apparently so. So?

CARLISLE: Damn you Ontario! Why do you have to be so ...

JASPER: Bleh?

CARLISLE: Don't you dare start with that!

EDWARD: You know, the people here are probably in their glory that the weather is so nice.

CARLISLE: *_in snarky tone_* Well goody for them!

JACOB: I thought we had the worst weather in the world?

EMMETT: I think Ontario beats us out by an extra day of rain.

JACOB: Wow, that's pretty sad.

JASPER: _*still under Emmett's hoodie_* Does no one care that the rapture is upon us!

ALL IN UNISON: NO!

JASPER: Well fine. But when I get up to heaven first, I'm changing the lock on the pearly gates so none of you can get in.

EMMETT: You're locking me out of heaven?

JASPER: *_whispers_* I'll hide you a key under a cloud.

EMMETT: *_pats Jaspers hoodie covered head_* Gee thanks. I knew you loved me.

JASPER: Of course! Besides, I've always wanted to do it on a cloud.

EMMETT: OKAY, so…

EDWARD: *_rather smug_* Not that the end of the world is imminent or anything, but, if it was, we'd all be just fine. Immortal and all. Sorry Jacob.

JACOB: *_just as smug_* Maybe, but your girlfriend would be going down with me. Not immortal and all.

EDWARD: I'd change her first.

BELLA: Really!

EDWARD: Well, if this highly unlikely situation were to happen, yes. But, since it's not… No.

BELLA: Boo. You whore.

_While everyone is talking away, the pilot makes his way over to them._

PILOT: Well, I hope you all had an enjoyable flight. I'd also like to say that the lovely Ontario greeting we landed into was short lived. It's gotten cloudy and a storm is forming. So if you all don't want to get too wet, I suggest you all get along to the terminal to get your things and get to your hotel. Fortunately, the weather is going to be better over the next few days. Quite warm, with overcast, so not much sun, but nice warm weather and no rain so it will be dry. Enjoy your stay in our lovely country folks. *_he leaves_*

CARLISLE: Well, that was lucky.

ESME: I'll say. Let's get going then. Come on everyone.

JASPER: *_comes out of Emmett's shirt* _So there's no rapture?

EDWARD: You're an idiot.

JASPER: You're a foot!

CARLISLE: All of you! Save it till we get off the plane please.

_Everybody proceeds to exit the plan and make their way to the luggage area of the airport. They all stand around the luggage carousel grabbing their bags._

ESME: Everybody have their things?

_There is a collective 'yes' and one small 'no' heard. All eyes fall on Alice._

ESME: No? Why could you possibly have more than one bag?

ALICE: Well … I needed one for clothes and one for my shoes. And one extra one for shoes I plan to buy.

ESME: *_in shock and dismay_* Is she serious?

ROSALIE: Sadly, yes.

ESME: She's almost as bad as your father and that damn computer. Which better not make an appearance at this Wonderland.

CARLISLE: Now, now, you need not worry my dear. It will be left in the hotel room, safely locked in the safe.

ESME: Locked in the … let's just go.

_As they walk out with the bags, Emmett looks behind him and sees Jasper standing with his bag on the floor._

EMMETT: Are you coming?

JASPER: *_in whining voice_* Emmeeettt …. It's heavy.

EMMETT: Heavy? No it's not. And even if it was …

JASPER: *_pouches out bottom lip_* Pleeeeeasssse? I love you.

EMMETT: Alright. Gimmie your suitcase.

JASPER: Yay! I win.

_Emmett takes Jasper's suitcase in his other hand. They start to walk ahead. Emmett notices Jasper lagging and looking perplexed._

EMMETT: What now?

JASPER: I want to hold your hand.

EMMETT: Really? That's sweet. But my hands are kinda full.

JASPER: *_looks thoughtful_* Okay, fine. I'll carry my bag. *_he takes his bag and entwines Emmett's free hand in his_* See the sacrifices I make for you?

EMMETT: *_laughs_* I am the luckiest man alive.

JASPER: You sure are! And so am I! We have so much in common!

EMMETT: *_snorts_* You're nuts you know that?

JASPER: Yes. *_gives Emmett a peck on the cheek_* We are so breaking in the hotel room bed when we get there.

EMMETT: *_broad smile spreads across his face_* Heh.

The get to the hotel, The Holiday Inn, and Carlisle checks in and gets their keys.

JASPER: I can't wait till we get to the room! *_he smirks at Emmett giving him a knowing look_*

EMMETT: *_feeling the look, blushes_* Stop that! Yes you can!

CARLISLE: Ok, Esme, here's our key, girls, here's yours and boys, for you.

ROSALIE: Why are we getting a communal key? Oh my god ...

CARLISLE: This is a family trip, I want the family to spend time together.

ESME: Who are you and where's my husband?

CARLISLE: The girls will be sharing a room as will the boys.

EDWARD: _*deadpan_* WHAT. No. Absolutely not.

BELLA: Calm down honey, it'll be fine.

EDWARD: Oh yeah, easy for you to say. You get to room with Alice and Rose. I get stuck with Dumb, Dumber and Doggie. Yay me.

EMMETT: All for killing him in his sleep raise your hands.

_Jasper, Jacob and Emmett all raise their hands. Also very subtly, so does Bella._

JASPER: Remember Jake, no pets on the furniture. You get the floor at the end of the bed. I'll lay out a blanket if you're good. Did you _make_ _peepee _before we came in?

Wouldn't want you to mess the elevator. Some dogs gets nervous in elevators. Like Chihuahuas!

JACOB: I'm going to maul you in your sleep.

JASPER: *_swats Jacob on the nose* _Bad dog!

ESME: OKAY. All of you to you rooms and please try not to kill each other.

_Everyone grumbles as they walk off to their respective rooms. _

_In the boys room…_

JASPER: So, does this mean we can't have sexy times?

EDWARD: NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. If I even catch you breathing on each other, I'll rip you both apart and burn the pieces!

EMMETT: *_pinches between eyes_* We ... don't ...BREATHE.

JASPER: So we can have sexy times?

EDWARD: NO. You're with me, right, Jacob? I can't believe I said that.

JACOB: Well, there's three beds here. Two in front of us and one separate one behind this door. *_he points to door on opposite side of the room_* So ... see ya!

_Jacob runs to the door and darts in locking it, laughing like a mad man. As are Emmett and Jasper. Edward is fuming._

_In the girls room…_

BELLA: Wow. _*puts her things on a bed_* This is lovely.

ROSALIE: So, it' s fact that one of the boys isn't going to make it to morning. Any bets on who? Alice? Who dies tonight?

ALICE: I kinda promised Emmett that I wouldn't look in on him and Jasper anymore.

ROSALIE: Oh for god's sakes. I'm not asking for you to look in on their sex lives, I'm asking for you to look in on their expiration date.

ALICE: No one will die. Edward won't hurt them. If he did, mom would be upset and god knows he would never do anything to upset mom.

ROSALIE: Right. Momma's boy. Bella, how do you deal with a boyfriend who has an Oedipus complex… of sorts?

BELLA: Honestly, I try not to think about it.

ALICE: Hee! We should call him Eddiepuss!

BELLA: *_falls on the bed laughing_*

ROSALIE: *_laughing_* Oh that's rich! I love it! Jasper will be so mad he didn't think of it first!

_After the girls finish their laughing fit, Alice comes up with a brilliant idea._

ALICE: We should play a game!

BELLA: Sure.

ROSALIE: Like?

ALICE: *_goes into her bag and pulls out a pink tin_* Sex and the City! I get to be Carrie! Oooh, she has such beautiful shoes!

ROSALIE: It's sad that your shoe spending habits are comparable to a fictional character. You are the only one I know that would drop $600 on a solitary pair of shoes.

Well, you and Emmett. He'd drop insane amounts of cash on something ridiculous for Jasper I'm sure.

BELLA: How ridiculous?

ROSALIE: If Jasper wanted, say, an endangered species, Emmett would find a way to do it.

BELLA: You can't legally do that. Can you?

ROSALIE: No, of course not. But Emmett would somehow.

BELLA: Wow. That's ... insane.

ROSALIE: So is this my family. Welcome.

BELLA: Thanks ... I think?

ALICE: No substitutions, exchanges or refunds!

BELLA: *_weakly_* Yay.

_All three girls burst into giggles._

_In Esme and Carlisle's room…_

ESME: Oh, this is nice, dear. This was a wonderful idea, thank you.

CARLISLE: You're welcome honey. *_kisses her_* I have been known to have my moments. *_he pulls out the laptop and plugs it in.*_

ESME: *_defeated, she sighs_* Though few and far between…

_That night in the hotel, Emmett, Jasper and Jacob (wait, what?) are skulking around the place. Edward is in the room, enjoying peace and quiet and cross-stitch._

JACOB: So, what are we looking for?

JASPER: The POOL!

EMMETT: *_clamps a hand over Jasper's mouth_* Shh! Not so loud!

JASPER: *_muffled_* Smoorry.

JACOB: We're going swimming?

EMMETT: Yes…

JASPER: Skinny dipping!

JACOB: Uh ... SWEET. Man, this is so cool.

EMMETT: Wow, you're pretty cool Jake. Getting involved in our shenanigans. Rosalie is going to have your ass, by the way.

JACOB: Aw man!

JASPER: It's ok though. This will be your first offence. You'll get off with a warning.

JACOB: Well, ok. I can live with that.

EMMETT: After that you'll just get the warning. There will be no more _getting off._

JACOB: You're exaggerating.

EMMETT: Maybe. But you have been warned.

JASPER: THE POOL!

EMMETT: Quiet!

_The boys sneak into the pool area. Jasper is already shedding clothes._

JASPER: You coming, Emmett?

EMMETT: *_watching Jasper strip_* Um… *_shifts uncomfortably, clears throat_* …yeah.

JASPER: *_smirks_* I bet you are. You going to swim with us Jake? Tell me, when you swim, do you use the do-

JACOB: If the next words out of your mouth are 'dog paddle', I don't care how long it takes, I will drown you in this pool.

EMMETT: Do you have forever?

JACOB: Fine. I'll tie you naked to a chair and leave you to be found by an unsuspecting mother and her innocent children.

EMMETT: That's not a threat to him, that's more like a fun game.

JACOB: Well then ... just ... bite me.

JASPER: Will you taste like Alpo or Pedigree? Or maybe Kibbles 'N' Bits!

JACOB: I'm going to kick you in the kibbles 'n' bits.

JASPER: *_now standing in his full birthday suit_* Good luck! My skin is granite!

JACOB: *_mouth hanging. Turns away_* That is soooooo much more of you then I ever wanted to see!

EMMETT: At least you can cross him off the list.

JACOB: What list?

EMMETT: The list of people you've seen naked.

JACOB: He was never on my list! No guy was on my list! Bella was on my list. Rose is totally on my list. But not him. Or you. No offence.

EMMETT: *_laughs_* None taken. So are we joining him? *_gestures to Jasper already swimming around_*

JACOB: *_looks uncomfortable for a moment_* Oh why not, you only live once.

EMMETT: Awesome!

_Later, like 2am later, the wayward boys return to the room._

EMMETT: *_whispering_* Shh. We don't want to wake Edward.

EDWARD: Too late. Where have you three been, and why do you smell like a pool?

EMMETT: Think, Edward.

EDWARD: Oh. I see. You're all lucky you didn't get caught.

JASPER: Oh yeah! It would have been something to be caught naked in a public pool!

EDWARD: You were… wait, look who I'm talking to.

JACOB: Hey!

EDWARD: You joined in on it? It's your funeral if Rosalie finds out.

JASPER: She'll only know if you open your big toe. Footy.

EDWARD: At any rate, go to bed. We have to leave early for this park. And NO funny business. *_shudders_* Vile.

The boys all turn in for the night.

_The next morning they all get ready and head out for a day of fun and frolic. The weather is warm and overcast, perfect for sparkly vampires. They all take rental cars to the park and arrive at the gate. They are all waiting in the excessively loooonnnnngggggg line. 25 minutes pass. And then it happens._

ROSALIE: What the- *_is cut off by a young woman with a baby stroller. The woman cuts ahead_* She did not just cut. How long have we been in the god forsaken line and she cuts!!!!

ALICE: Oh dear ...

JACOB: What?

EMMETT: Rosalie ...

JASPER: ...Is about to get her bitch on.

JACOB: This isn't going to be pretty is it?

EMMETT: In a word? No.

ROSALIE: HEY. You can't just cut like that!

GIRL: Excuse me? Who the fuck are you?

ROSALIE: You can't just cut.

GIRL: *_scoffs_* Yeah. These are my friends.

ROSALIE: Read the sign. Get at the back. You didn't come with them, so back of the line.

GIRL: You want to fucking mess with me, bitch?

ROSALIE: Oh I'M the bitch?

GIRL: You don't want to fucking mess with me! I'm crazy! I'll fuck you up, you bleach blond whore!

ROSALIE: *_seething_* If I'm a whore then why are YOU the one with a baby?

GIRL: So just because I have a baby, it makes me a whore?

ROSALIE: Is he the father? *_points to guy holding the stroller handle_*

GIRL: *_puts hand on hip_* No. He's my brother.

ROSALIE: *_smirks_* Case and point.

GIRL: FUCK YOU. What about that one? *_points to Bella, who is just gaping at the whole scenario_* She's the size of a blimp! Knocked up teenage slut!

ROSALIE: You talk like that in front of your child? What kind of a mother are you? And the father is right beside her. They're getting married.

GIRL: She's still a slut. And I can still kick your ass! I'll make my brother hold my baby and I'll beat you down, bitch! Seriously, you don't want to screw with me! I told you, I'm crazy!

ROSALIE: *_muttering_* Way to mention your mental instabilities in a public crowd…

JASPER: *_to Emmett_* I bet that girl is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.

EMMETT: *_snickers_*

GIRL: Eww. I can't believe they let people like you in here.

EMMETT: Excuse me?

GIRL: Queers are nasty.

JASPER: I'd eat her ... but I don't know where she's been. *_makes disgusted face_*

ROSALIE: OH THAT'S IT. You are so gone bitch.

Rosalie goes over to a security officer and reports the vile girl. She is escorted off the premises kicking and screaming. Rosalie stands there, arms crossed, looking quite smug.

JASPER: That girl just got pwned.

EMMETT: Out-bitched by Rose. She didn't stand a chance.

JACOB: That was so hot!

EMMETT: Um…

JASPER: Black's a freak.

They finally get to the entrance. They hand their tickets in and get their hands stamped. Beware, Canada's Wonderland…The Cullens are here.

_*_

**So there it is! The latest instalment of Twilulz. Hope you enjoyed it! Please comment, or Jasper will witness the rapture for realz! And we don't need that, the poor kid's crazy enough already.**


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